Glenn Dave Monica nicola

Andrea Mike Sean Jess

Laura forever GenX Mair gary

AJG Lynn kelly s

Kim anonymous Alissa Sabinastil

I have just read your site in silent amazement at how similar you and everyone else are to me. I am currently going through a divorce to my wife of seven years. We married as soon as I left the Army. I think that our infatuation and ignorance as to what marriage was all about hurled us into marriage.

Now that we are in the process of divorce many new insights on life, love, and who we are as people are becoming evident. I accept most of the blame for the current situation. I had ignored my wife, I had expected things from her that I knew she couldn't do and then didn't tell her about my expectations. We never sat and spoke honestly with each other. I didn't know what I wanted from life- house, career, children. I was even afraid to take a guess. All along she just waited for me to come around. She clung to the hope that I would wake up one day. Unfortunately, I have woken up with this divorce.

But it isn't too late. We have finally sat down and talked. She needed to show me that she can't wait for me to decide. She has finally mustered the courage to admit to herself that she is an individual too, and that she has goals in life that she WILL have met. And this is going to happen with or without me.

We have stuck to the plan of divorce. But we have decided to give our relationship another chance. She has graciously agreed to wipe the slate clean IF I show her that I am willing to settle down and stop running all over the world. I also have to earn her trust and confidence again.

Of course there is much much more to this story. Suffice it to say that I had come from a VERY dysfunctional family. Through this dysfunction I have learned to be a loner and not to depend on anyone for anything. I also realize that I have developed an attitude of noncommittal.

In order to resolve my personal conflict I have finally come to the conclusion that I need help from outside sources to deal with this. My wife will wait for me to love myself first and then to love her again. She is a tremendous woman and a lot of people say that she and I are both crazy. Nobody can accept the fact that we will still get divorced and then try to work it out.

I would like to answer them and give your readers some advice:

Society has accepted divorce too easily. We cannot continue to give in so easily to the current American socialization pattern. The "throwaway society". Although divorce is devastating, under any circumstances, it is a tremendous opportunity to learn about yourself. This is what we are choosing to do. To learn about who we are and what we want.

We are actively reading self-help material and discussing , open and honestly, our hopes and dreams (for the first time). I am currently working overseas and I return to the US in three months. At that time we plan to live apart. We will be going through therapy separately and together. I have plans to make a lot of changes in my life that I have subconsciously chosen to ignore. And my wife has promised to be there for me. There is still love between us or else we wouldn't be willing to make this sacrifice. And this journey that we are about to take will either end in our remarriage or in our becoming more aware of who we are and what we want separately. So either way we will both benefit from the process. A win-win situation.

Finally, the moral of the story. I don't deny that there are couples that are incompatible and their differences are irreconcilable. But for all those couples that have even the faintest glimmer of love left and the honesty to face whatever caused your problems. DON'T do it. Give yourselves another chance. Don't run away from your problem or take the easy way out. In my case, I could run away but that wouldn't solve my problem. I would simply be available to share my problems with another woman. Thus, perpetuating the cycle.

Good Luck to All,
Glenn

I am recently divorced at age 28 after 5 years of marriage. Look around this site at the attempts to rationalize behavior through societal mores, demographic shifts, and other attempts at understanding that ring very hollow. Look in to yourself, not out to Gen X or some other label. There is a line of philosophy that learning only comes from experience. We learn through experience, not through analysis or what other people tell us. In a first marriage, when things get tough, you have no perspective of what you will lose without that marriage. You've never experienced it. You THINK you know what you need, and anybody else's advice doesn't matter much. On the other side of a marriage, it is easy to feel very foolish, among other things, because experience has taught you a painful lesson. For many of us, this is a growth process that we have to go through before we are capable of being in a lifetime relationship. To put not to fine a point on it, sometimes only painful experience can cut through our bullshit.

Things happen for a reason. I have lost so much, but my life is on the right course now. I am in touch with myself. I am doing what is right for me. No relationship can survive when the individuals sacrifice their own core desires and needs. I have moved to Colorado, living a life in the outdoors, giving water to areas of my soul that had dried up completely, causing me great pain. This is why marriage in your early 20's is difficult. We don't know ourselves, so how can we know a marriage? How was I to know that trying to live in suburban Washington, DC was killing my inner child? What did that have to do for the love I had for my wife? Do I really have these answers at age 28?

Life is not about marriage, rather marriage can elevate life to a higher, more soulful place. We have to let our marriages be a result of our lives, not our lives a result of our marriages. This is very, very difficult for 20 somethings, and it has nothing to do with Gen X. In the end, marriages are not about romantic love, they are about trust. Trust is only possible with total honesty. If you do not trust yourself, you cannot trust anybody else. Love cannot survive the lack of trust. I am trying to find my own life, to trust my own course, so I stop waiting for things to get better in life. In the end I contributed to the end of my marriage because I did not know myself and was not following the right path. I won't do it again. I love my former wife very much, but I lost all my trust that I could be myself with her or that she could be herself with me, and so we have separated. I have tremendous guilt over the failure of my commitment to her. I struggle constantly with my choices, but I am moving forward. I do a lot of writing as a means of catharsis, and I wrote something not long ago that has stayed in my head: "I look to the left and find the weight of Responsibility sitting on my shoulder, playing cards with Time sitting on the right. I swing the axe of forward progress, because it is the only thing that keeps my shoulders strong enough to support the game."

Dave

I think divorce should be more difficult legally and less accepted in our society. Then maybe...just maybe it would be easier to accept the shortcomings and work on the rough spots. But we as a society have made it simple to divorce. No one goes into a marriage thinking it'll end in divorce. I knew our problems were deep and I knew that my love too had faded. But I was committed to the marriage regardless. And would have liked to have exhausted every possibility before opting for divorce. What does one do when they get in over their heads financially? File for bankruptcy. What does on do when the marriage becomes too difficult to deal with? File for divorce. It's too easy...it's too acceptable. Is anything secure anymore? What do we consider sacred now? I was born in the wrong decade.

Monica

I’ve read your thoughts here, and as a woman, I feel all of the same things. I, too, have just ended a perfect relationship, and I am confused and very lonely. I don't have the answers either, but I do know, that by the sound of your broken heart, you are an admirable person. You have asked yourself some serious questions, and I think life is all about pursuing the answers.

Relationships all seem to be difficult, with mothers, brothers, friends and lovers. We keep on searching for something, maybe it's love, maybe it should be something else. I think people try so desperately to be in love that they fail to consider, perhaps, this is not why we are on this earth. Honestly, I believe all human beings have within them the capacity to love and be loved. I could fall in love with anyone who said they loved me. But now, I think that I've been searching for something untouchable, and I have started to love more than one person, I want to open my heart to anyone, man woman or child that will allow me to care, share and stand beside.

You have to pat yourself on the back, for taking the chance is admirable, and you cannot fail if you have been honest with yourself and true to those around you. Don't give up yet, and don't ever lose your passion for life. You are not alone, don't ever forget this.

nicola

I think the word "divorce" is hard to handle let alone coping with it. I am a recently divorced woman, but I am still human and I've dealt with a loss that noone else could possibly imagine except myself. I'm 25 and I know that I still have alot of living to do. I know that I am not completely alone...I still have my family and friends. I still have my life.

We met when we were 17 years old. We were high school sweethearts... student body president and head cheerleader. We went to college together, graduated and got married. I felt the magic back then and I felt it when we married only 2 years ago. We were soul mates. There were things that only David and I could do together and no one else could be a part of it because it was only ours to share. We were so comfortable with each other. We were a part of each other. In him, I saw myself...vice-versa. We couldn't breathe without each other. We completed each other.

I remember the day when he approached me with his thoughts about divorce like it was yesterday...it was so left field. We were sitting in our office at home. He was doing some work on the computer and I was sitting in his favorite black chair...I knew something was on his mind...it was a look that I had not seen before in David. I asked him if he wanted to talk and he said yes. He was so cold though. He said that he had alot on his mind for a couple of months and he felt we should spend some time apart...I literally fell to pieces. From that moment on, I knew he was already out of my life. He had made his mind up long ago...he just wanted to give me some time to cope with it all. My first thought was how could I possibly live without this man. He was my morning, day and night...what would I do without him in my life. As every normal person...I took the separation very hard. All I can remember is how fast everything ended. Here we had vowed to be with one another for the rest of our lives, yet none of that was a part of the picture anymore. How did I move on? When he filed for divorce, I thought to myself if he was capable of letting go so easily then he didn't deserve to be a part of my life.

I think the only way to look at "divorce" is to not look back and only look forward. You could sit down for hours, days, years...and try to analyze what went wrong, but you only relive the hurt and pain. I also know that he is not replaceable. We touched each others lives for a brief time and I certainly won't forget, but I'm definitely not looking back and remembering...I'm just doing what my heart, mind, soul tell me to do...and that is LIVE!

Life goes on.

andrea.

I am 29 and have been married for 8 years with 2 children, 7 and 5. I was the one who FINALLY decided to get out. I was very young when I got married and at the time, what I thought to be mature for my age. Looking back, I realize that the last 10 years of my life I have been looking to other people to make me happy and feel good about myself.

For the last 3 years I have felt more empty as a person than ever in my life. My children have been my source of joy. Unfortunately, I thought that because of them I decided to stay and then one day I realized that I did not want them to grow up thinking that this is what a marriage is supposed to be like. I have not felt love for my husband in years and I'm not even sure that I ever truly did. We are good friends and there are no hard feelings anymore he has realized that it is the best for both of us to have a chance to be happy in life.

I just read what someone posted about being happy with yourself. I have finally realized that is can be only ME that makes ME happy! Thank you for this site and for all of the things that you all have written. I'm sure that I am not the only one who reads what is written and walk away feeling good about my decision.

Laura

You have written everything that I have been thinking! I am in the same situation. It's nice to know that maybe I won't be the only one going through this, there are others in the same boat. Perhaps if we all lean on each other we will make it through.

Mike

I've read your page, it strikes very close to my situation.

2 people, severely damaged... getting married. turns out neither were ready. long period of increasing stress and arguments and fighting over petty little things. Had to deal with incredible stress of dealing with a wife who was mentally ill and suicidal. Society as it turns out wasn't there to make it better, to treat her illness, to make the pain go away.

one day, came home from a business trip. she'd left.

the end

Sean

If it is any consolation I am just so sorry, so sorry. The pain you and other have describe sounds all to familiar, and I'm not ready to go through that again (past relationship). I'm married now, to someone else, and I married with hesitations. The hesitations are starting to show, but from after what I read tonight, I got to try harder. It is not my husband fault, it is me, I am a victim of the ghostly lover. I'm also commitment phobic, what a combination. I do love him though, I just need to know how to work this out. I am so afraid I have made a bad choice in judgment, affecting not only my life, but his. It may be the hardest thing I ever do. Good luck everyone, I pray you find happiness, and an end to your pain.

Jess

I gave up my virginity for his love.
I gave up my education for his career.
I gave up my dream home for his dream boat.
I gave up my body for his three children.
I gave up my career to raise his children.
I gave up my self worth for the sake of peace in the family.
I'm giving up my health to keep our family together.

He gave up his dream boat to meet the mortgage.
He gave up our marriage for a near one-night stand while I was busy having our third child.
He said he gave up his expectations because I couldn't meet them physically.
He gave up the need for counseling because he didn't need to talk to a stranger about our problems.

Let's see what else did he give up? Nothing else comes to mind.

I have nothing else to give.
Is there any hope for me?

Signed,
I was in it forever.

I am finding this very interesting. I have read many of these comments and I have to agree with the fact that there are several reasons people divorce today.

1) It is accepted in today's society (my parents should be divorced but aren't)

2) WE are so busy in families trying to get stable financially (cuz we want the best home in the best neighborhood with the best vacations...) That few couples spend evenings snuggled up and talking about nothing important.

3) We have learned to look out for number 1 (and to most that is you). But to me #1 is my children and #2 my husband and for him it is the same.

4) Getting divorced is simple, in many ways. When people of older generations did not "love" each other any more they {usually the wife} put up with anything and everything but in today's world the female has learned that She can provide and make a stable happy home for her family without a man. I personally think this is a big one on the list and why my parents are not divorced.

After 11 and a half years of marriage we still fight but we don't see getting divorced as an option. For us it is a give and take and we don't wait until we are totally off the wall to work on issues. I also think that had we been able to financially able to afford to divorce early on we would have. But within the first 7 years of marriage we had 5 kids so we had and really still have little money.

GenX Mair

Wow ,

I was feeling bad about my marriage, but you guys have helped me see two things. Maybe they'll help you "next time around:"

1. Being honest with her is simple. It's being honest with yourself that's difficult.

Once you know the truth, it's simple to tell it to someone else. Just open your mouth and speak.

But how much harder it is to ask YOURSELF the hard questions ... the difficult questions! It's so draining, no wonder most of us don't like to do it. But we must! Take some time every day and ask yourself how you feel _ and how you WANT to feel. If you're honest with yourself, you'll come up with an answer. Use that answer to communicate your needs to your spouse.

I shudder to think of all the times my wife wanted to talk _ all the times I MYSELF wanted to talk _ when I came up with lame excuses like, "I don't want to deal with this right now." Or, "I'm too tired." Too tired to make my marriage work better? That's pathetic. I hope now's not too late.

2. People change.

Duh! And it doesn't stop when you get married. That doesn't mean you should drop everything at the first sign of change. It means EXPECT it ... in your spouse and in yourself. Maybe if we could anticipate changes in our prospective mates BEFORE we were married, things could work out better.

I married a FANTASTIC woman when we were 24. After 4 years, she's changed alot (so have I) _ and not everything is the same as in those "perfect" honeymoon days. Sometimes I feel like I was tricked ... that she's not the woman I married ... that she's changing ON PURPOSE just to piss me off! What a freak I am.

I think the trick is to notice the small changes and talk about them when they're small ... instead of waiting for them to become big, when it's too late to do anything about it.

Well maybe my brain dump won't help anyone reading this. But I think it just helped me. Thanks.

gary

I am very glad I found your page. It is very helpful to know that I am not the "only one" who is young, and possibly headed for divorce.

I have been married almost 5 years. I am getting ready to turn 27 years old. I married someone in the military, and immediately moved 2000 miles from my family. The problems started about 1 year into the marriage. My husband decided he liked to flirt with a girl at a convenience store. I found out because I found a very friendly letter to her from him. I demanded he either end that or the marriage. From there we started fighting constantly. He likes to look at XXX web sites, which would be fine, except now 5 years into the marriage, we just had sex for the first time in 2 years.

Any way, so then we moved to Texas. While he was in a different city for training, he met an older lady (60 yrs old), he is 28. I found a letter she had written to him, basically saying how they were destined to be together, and she wanted him. I confronted him about the letter, but it wasn't his fault she was just crazy, and obsessed. Fine I forgave him again, but advised I would not be standing for any more lies, or more than friendly relationships with women.

Well, we moved to CA, and everything went fine, but we still fought occasionally. Well, now we are in TX again, and he is looking at the XXX sites again. I have just had it with the lies. We haven't been fighting, but you know there is just a point when you have to say "It's Over", I have tried counseling, he refuses to go. I have tried to talk the problems out, he doesn't see there is anything wrong. I can't make him come out of his denial, so I feel it's over.

AJG

It sounds to me that "you didn't know what you had until it was gone" in your marriage. I wonder if my husband would feel the same way.

I'm contemplating leaving for a while. Just for a short time. I feel very taken advantage of, unappreciated, etc....

I've been numb for almost six years!! (I married very young; too young).

Lynn in Lexington, KY

I was surprised...happy. To stumble upon your site. I am going through a divorce (my second). My husband and I have a 21 month old son whom we love very much. Our son has been a major cause of the conflict.

You wrote that you couldn't imagine going through the divorce with atty's involved. Let me tell you, from firsthand experience, this has been possibly the worst thing I have ever gone through. Depositions, false allegations, etc. Not to mention the 10's of thousands of dollars we (at least I) have spent. Money that could be in a bank for our son or could have been used to pay off joint bills (you acquire a lot of debt in 6 years.

I love my husband. I will always love my husband. I think that is why your words were so inspirational. It sounds as if you still have so much respect for your "former" wife. I don't think my husband will ever be able to find himself accountable for anything that went wrong in our marriage. Therefore he will be stuck in hate and anger for years to come. That will affect our ability to co-parent..it already has (I'm on the east coast right now, he is in Oregon).

Even though this has been a very difficult process I still feel love for him. I have a tremendous amount of support, which is so important (I know my husband doesn't), but they don't understand why I don't' hate him, especially after everything that he has done to me, my son, my family in general. I guess it's because I know the man I fell in love with is still in there...somewhere. He is the father of my son. We planned the pregnancy and he was born to parents who were very much in love. But it fell apart.

I do agree that expectations have a tremendous impact on relationships. I also believe that how one is raised--their environment--the nurture aspect of nature vs. nurture, has an impact. I came to quickly realize, once my son was born that although my husband was agreeing with me in theory on certain issues, applying them was a whole other issue.

He was raised very differently from me. He was raised with different values, morals. His work ethic was lacking but situational. He would come through when pushed or when he saw an immediate need. I knew some of this from the beginning but put it aside and said that love would conquer all. It does not.

My husband is still trying to find himself. I believe that it is truly a lifelong journey but when you have a family...that you have planned...things change, people change, expectations change.

I hope that someday he will see that the right decision was made and that it takes two to make a relationship and two to break it. We are..were really...two very different people who managed to fall in love but it didn't last. Does that mean we have to hate each other? When does all of that bitterness end?

My questions, if I can ask questions, are: Do I wait for the anger to subside or is there something that I can do in the meantime? What do men want when a marriage ends (ours will never end because of the child so this may be difficult to answer)? What do you do when they think they haven't done anything wrong?

Good luck to everyone

Kelly

I find it interesting that almost all of the people who have written are the "left", not the "leavers". I am a "leaver", well, not yet, but I am seriously considering it. My heart is wrenched open reading the others letters which makes my decision all that more difficult. I do still love him and thus don't want to hurt him. I just don't think I can live with him anymore, live under his control, his scrutinizes eyes, live up to his expectations.

I, too, thought that it was going to be forever. After seeing my sister's first marriage dissolve (the first divorce ever in our family), I was determined to find the right mate, to be completely in love, to work through all the apparent issues before marriage. Naive, right? Definitely. You never know what issues will come up and being relative "old" when I married, or so I thought at 24, I figured I knew what I wanted, I knew what I wanted out of life, out of a mate, out of a career. We talked about how we would divide the housework, if we wanted kids, etc., all the "apparent" issues that seem to arise in feuding couples.

You see, though I may have married a man I loved, I realize after 6 years together, 3 of them married, that he is not the right man for me now. I don't know if he ever was.....it seemed like he was, maybe I just wanted him to be? I should have realized after fighting constantly our first year together, after having him almost force me to choose between my family and him and again later during our first year of marriage choosing between him and my puppy, ironically his Christmas present to me (you'd have to understand my love for animals to know how hard this was). I should have realized that something was out of kilter, but I figured that maybe it was just me, maybe I wasn't giving enough, that I was wrong for wanting to care for more than one person at a time. That I was being selfish and inconsiderate.

Other people saw warning signs all along, though they are just telling me now. True, I probably wouldn't have fully listened before, but if they really didn't believe it would work, if they questioned how he treated me or how we interacted it would have been nice to know. It took me almost six years to realize that he had me right where HE wanted me. With no friends, no social life, waiting for him at home when he went out with his friends. Was it all his fault, NO, and I'm not blaming it all on him. If I had asserted myself more during our dating and marriage maybe he would be "used" to me going out with my friends, growing in my career and educational goals, spreading my wings as it were.

I am the one who has drastically changed over the past year. For some reason, my desire to learn new things was rekindled, I wasn't happy just being complacent and comfortable with my life. I want to expand my horizons. I want to meet new people, restart old friendships. I want to live. I'm 27 years old and I've finally realized that I can enjoy life to the fullest if I choose.

Even just a few months ago I wouldn't have considered divorce. I thought that I could do all these things and still stay married. But everytime I want to go out with my friends it becomes a battle, so for 6 years I just didn't fight to go out with my friends. I've never given him reason not to trust me and yet obviously that is the problem here. So I say, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I need to have a life too, one that doesn't always include him. Again, he is making me choose between two things which are very important to me.

We've just started counseling. I'm not sure it will work, though he is very eager and willing to change. But my argument is that people can't really change who they are and we shouldn't even ask them to. I know sometimes we need to change our communication patterns a little, but that's not our core personality. So as I said, I'm kind of skeptical as to how we will work things out. If he changes, he's not himself anymore and neither am I, what kind base is that for marriage then.

He constantly asks how "we" are doing, if I am going to leave him, if I love him. I answer as to not hurt his feelings, when the truth is that I don't know if I'm going to leave, I don't know how we are doing, I don't know if I love him enough to work through all this. How much work should it be I ask myself? We spend at least 40 hours a week on our careers, how much do we spend on our love life? And if it's really constantly work, we no longer feel the love and we start to feel the resentment, just as when our jobs start to interfere with the rest of our lives.

Sorry this is so long. I just wanted to give the perspective of the "leaver", of the person who has tried to live with things as long as she can, but who doesn't know if she can hang on any longer.

signed,
S.

im 29, been divorced since november. separated two years this month. my ex after 5 years said he did not love me any more and had not for awhile. im not sure were things went wrong. we have a now 4 year old. things that everyone has wrote i can relate to. i look back and see so many things that were wrong. i do feel maybe my expectations were to high. and that maybe he did not regret loosing the love that had started out great. he moved on the day he left and now has another girlfriend and another baby. i cannot say my love for him has stayed the same. i can barely stand to look at him. we only talk of things to do with our daughter. i hope all of you out there will heal from the pain. i think i slowly will.

kim

I just read your page and can greatly empathize with you. My husband of 24 years moved out 14 months ago and I did not want a divorce.The whole situation sucks. I have turned into a man hater and have no desire to go out. I'm still trying to climb out of this black hole he left me in while he's out dating a girl I used to babysit for.

Your page eloquently and beautifully describes your experiences. I was recently thinking about marriage with a man i have been dating for about 2 years. The feelings that we share are similar to the ones you felt for your partner before you split up. I am now wondering if I am only jumping to conclusions about our relationship and trying to push forward because society tells us love equals marriage. I don't want to jump the gun, but don't want to wait too long for a good thing either. Advice is welcome...

thank you,
Alissa

I find your page very interesting and well thought out. As a Gen X'er and someone who lived through his parents' divorce, I identify with a lot of the comments. I am married, about to celebrate my first anniversary in April. Mine too was a whirlwind romance. We knew each other two months before we were engaged. We fell in love quickly as I immediately felt more comfortable with her than I did with any other woman I have ever known. We were engaged for six months before marrying.

Our marriage doesn't suffer from the typical tensions of two careers. My wife is European, however, and we have our own challenges. I have an advanced degree while she's the product of a completely different educational system, which has made it difficult for her to find work. She's not a very career-oriented person. She takes being the guardian of the home very seriously, and she takes care of our home life wonderfully. With every American woman I had every dated, there was quite a bit of wrangling to figure out our roles within the relationship. With my wife, we just fell into living with each other without much discussion of what our roles would be. Many of my Gen X friends had advised me to live together before marriage, but I always thought of co-habitating as making less than a full commitment and didn't care for the idea. We have not had any of the struggles over where to put the toothbrush and that sort of thing I have heard horror stories about.

Rather what's difficult is accepting that I will probably be the bread winner in this marriage. It's not a responsibility I relish. Jobs are too insecure these days. Furthermore, I think married men whose wives do not have careers of "equal import" are the target of a lot of resentment in corporate environments where many of their colleagues may be career-oriented women. The assumption seems to be that if you have a traditional wife, you must be a sexist. The reality for me was that I have dated mostly career-oriented, college-educated women in my life. Nearly all of my married friends have wives with either bachelor's or advanced degrees. I just happened to fall in love with someone who didn't fit that mold. So any tension I do feel in my marriage has more to do with trying to be a one-income marriage in a society that seems to expect us to both have careers.

Just a different point of view. Thanks for the thoughtful page.

Sabinastil

Glenn Dave Monica nicola

Andrea Mike Sean Jess

Laura forever GenX Mair gary

AJG Lynn kelly s

Kim anonymous Alissa Sabinastil