rochelle's tim's carmen's anonymous'

jed's sunday's tony's Amanda's

shane's responsibility's erik's heart broken's

m's julia's alec's chad's

My husband and I have been married for three years. He is ten years older than me, we met when I was 19 and were married when I was 22. Just like many of you, I never dreamt that I would divorce. I entered into marriage thinking that I could make it work. Unfortunately, I didn't acknowledge to myself WHY I was marrying. To be protected, to be financially taken care of, to have the American dream of a nice house, two kids, two cars, a dog. Why wouldn't I marry him?

I understand now that I didn't know who I was and as I am getting older I know who I want to be. I want intimacy, not dollars. Unfortunately, that person I want to be isn't compatible with the person that I married. Yes, I love him and I know that he loves me. It's okay to go our separate ways and be friendly about it if we can both become better people by doing so.

I often think of a statement...that says "We can't know who we are, until we know who we are not." I am going through the sadness, hurt, anger but I am also seeing a glimmer of hope in the future. I have learned so much about myself from this relationship. I am looking forward to being in a relationship for all the right reasons.

Rochelle

Well, I am 27 and have been married for 3 years and 2 months. Before we got married, we dated for 5 years. I, too, thought that we could beat the odds, and get through any problems. However, here I am telling you that we seem to be facing a divorce sometime early next year.

I come from a relatively dysfunctional family and hers is no prize winner either. To make a long story short, we just don't have much of a interest in each other any more. There has been no fooling around from either one of us, and compared to each of our parents marriages, we seem to have a wonderful marriage. We still care for each other as friends and get along better when we have the understanding that we will get divorced.

She is just very unhappy in our current situation. She can't really explain it, but I feel that she just sort of fell out of love. Because of my childhood, I can at times be a very unhappy person. And I'm sure she wonders if I will ever be happy. I feel that I won't ever truly be happy until I find where I fit into the world, which I know is unrealistic.

She doesn't want to end up sad and bitter like so many other long lasting marriages she knows of. I know what she's talking about because my parents are the perfect example of two people that stayed together because it was "wrong" to get divorced, and are basically miserable because of it.

...We are both afraid of the starting over as single folks again even though we are still young and have no children or major assets. I also know that we both have some doubt in our minds of whether this is the right thing to do or not. I appreciate your page and hope my situation is of interest.... Any help or advice is welcome!!

Thanks,
Tim

I have been divorced twice (once when I was 18 and then again recently at 29). The marriages lasted two months and ten years, respectively. The first one was much more painful than the second My first marriage was a brief, but heartbreaking experience (my mother forced me to choose between him and the family). She was right in many ways (he had violent tendencies). Husband number two was an alcoholic and I never really loved him (not enough to marry him). I lost a lot of good years of my life with him because I felt obligated to stay with him.

...Does anyone think that meddlesome parents contribute to a higher divorce rate among Gen-Xers? The economy isn't the same as years past and many young marrieds live with a set of parents as a couple. Marriage (even in the honeymoon stage) is full of minor "crimes" against each other. That is the nature of intimacy. Now, if a protective parent is there to see the "misbehavior" of your husband or wife, they will be less supportive (and respectful of the validity) of your marriage.

I agree with Wendy about the "one in a million" concept. The myth of the "love of one's life" contributes to a lot of misery in the world. True, some people mesh better than others, but it is not fair to idealize an old love, especially if it interferes with a potential new one (who might feel they have to compete with the shadowy "HIM" or "HER").

Yes, I do believe that staying together should be the goal in marriage, but don't let romantic images pollute your expectations of what to expect in a person or relationship. Marriages often stayed together in the past because of economic or societal pressures.

The only common thread I see that contributes to the divorce rate is increased social acceptability. Within my circle of friends, I see many Generation X divorces, as well as those of the "empty nest" variety. Couples with grown children are also getting divorced more frequently, those "last couple you would imagine to divorce" are also calling it quits.

Another reason I believe in the "increased social acceptability" explanation is that many Gen-X couples divorcing have parents who married young and are still together. Believe me, no one was brought up with more reverence for marriage than me. My mom taught me that divorced people are like "used merchandise" and that multiple marriages are just about the worst thing (same category as murder) on Earth. Now, my sister and I have four divorces between us, each with different circumstances and reasons. I had to make an effort after my first divorce to overcome that nasty feeling that somehow part of me was "used up" and I was ready for the yard sale.

All of your words have enlightened and touched me. This page has even helped me resolve some issues going on in my life right now. Those of you grieving the loss, take care of yourselves. The pain will diminish with time. You'll be in my thoughts.

carmen

my heart goes out to you and everyone who participated here. i know roughly of which you speak. i am 26 and engaged but undergoing some questions. i am meeting with a counselor at my church and also have spoke to my parents. the issues involve some things i dislike and disagree with in his family and i think this will have a profound effect on us and our future family. he says why should we let that affect us? i know it will affect us b/c my mom always said, "you don't just marry one person; you marry the whole family." <quiet mental sobbing> i don't want to hurt myself or him b/c i do love him deeply but i realize from reading this website that the hurt which could come now is incomparable to the possible hurt later if we divorce. that is one thing i never never never want to do. this is a one-shot deal. sheesh this is all really hard. really really really hard.

please sign me,
anonymous

I have known love and am divorced. Funny thing is - we now agree that it was the best thing to both marry and divorce. Married at 27 divorced by 30. Sure I had many of the same lost feelings you expressed. How many of your feelings are based on societal value judgements....

Life is about learning - its not about who you end up with in a rocking chair. If that is such an important thing to "square away" at an early age, then I think you might consider your relationship with reality. That hard reality where people go hungry and die.

Fact is, your still alive, you are surviving, and have the opportunity to learn a valuable lesson about yourself. Its the laws and morals of this country that supply the shame. The laws are set up for couples with children who have an extra level of commitment that they must consider.

jed

All these stories sound familiar to me. I am a 26 year old graduate student, 1 year away from finishing my Ph.D. in biology. My husband (a graphic artist) and I met when we were undergraduates. Everything seemed perfect. We had so much fun together. We got married after three 1/2 years of dating--we've been married for 2 1/2 years. Looking back, I try to figure out where everything went wrong. Right before we married, my grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, and my mother had a brain hemorrhage (she's ok now). We married and moved far away from home so I could go to school. I felt guilty about having left my family in the midst of crisis, but I had to move on.

My husband began his first job, while I started graduate school. He spent a lot of time at work; we saw each other maybe 30 minutes a day.

He was so tired when he got home, there was no energy for me. So I began to throw myself into my research. I felt so torn--I wanted to spend time with my husband, but I needed to spend time with my research to succeed as a woman in science. We still had good times, but things just went downhill....He didn't know how to relate to my successes and failures at school. I think now he wishes he had a stay-at-home wife.

We've been to a marriage counselor, but that didn't seem to help. What is really upsetting is that, even that he knows things are bad, he'll act like nothing is wrong. One night he'll say he's about ready to call it quits, the next morning he's all smiles like nothing happened. I've been on an emotional roller coaster.

Now, we hardly speak....I just don't know what to do. It makes me so sad to look at pictures from when we started dating and our wedding photos because I know it'll never be like that again. And if we do end up apart, I wonder if I'll ever find anyone again--divorced women aren't very marketable.

Yesterday was New Year's Day. I made a resolution to make myself happy, instead of putting other people's happiness in front of mine like I usually do. I know this sounds selfish, but I think my soul needs healing. I have faith that this year will be better, one way or the other.

I think this page is very helpful. I had no idea that there were people in my shoes. Thanks!

sunday

You paint such a glorious picture of my future prospects. It makes me want to stick my head into the oven for the view.

I know that one is the loneliest number. But, PLEASE. There are a million possibilities out there. Every person is a unique individual. I believe that some where and some day I will find that perfect person.

My present day spouse (future ex) was by no means perfect. That is the reason for the divorce in the first place.

Somewhere over the rainbow... There is a perfect match for me.

Hoping against hope,
tony

I sort of randomly got onto this page one Sunday when I decided to sink myself into the mindless act of staring at a computer screen instead of crying, again, over the loss of my marriage. Thanks for taking the words out of my mouth. In and amongst all the helpful comments people make, "You can do better honey", "You know, people grow apart", and the most loathsome, "Well, you get to be single again." Eesh, I really related to the whole part about being in a club and how much 'fun' being single again really is.

I think I had a nice life once, good career, loving mate, and the impetus to make chicken paprikesh. That was before Mr. Hyde came out to play. Now I feel lonely and needy. A whole year and a half, huh? Great, I'm at five months and I keep chanting my mantra of, "Things HAVE to get better!" At least I'm now five hundred miles away from his psychosis, which is good and bad for the same reasons - if I saw him I'd want to stone him.

Anyways, I just wanted to say that it was comforting to know that others have been down that evil rabbit hole and to know that others react very similarly to me. It's that whole human community thing - a community of suffering. Good luck and keep standing up.

Sincerely,
Amanda

I have to say that I'm very glad I found your page and very glad I found it tonight.. After many months of trying to work things out (Though I don't think she ever really wanted to) we decided this evening that--or should I say that, she--decided this evening that we can no longer go on living this way.

I'm 23 and she is 22. WE met when we were both 18 and until about 6 months ago we were inseparable. She now says that she thinks the reason she lost love for me was because we were always together. I have to admit I was kinda insecure in that and have never really had a stable life therefore throughout our relationship and marriage I have always kept a kinda string on her. I always wanted to be with her. It was not that I didn't trust her but that i felt lost without her. This is something she could not understand.

Once again, just like you, we had the rocking chairs picked out, kids named, and other dreams we wanted to share together. Right now i see all the dreams crashing. Much like you i still hold a devout love for my wife even though for the past few months it feels she has treated her friends better than she has been treating me. We tried the counseling thing. I even bought books. She participated in the counseling she now tells me so we could still be friends, she never had any intention of working out our marriage problems. This is the part I find odd because my mother has been divorced twice and her parents are still together.

I guess maybe we realized a marriage isn't all fun games. she had another idea. If i treated her bad or abused her i would not blame her in any way for wanting to leave me but my only crime has been putting her so high on a pedestal I don't think she could see down. Throughout the counseling i think we grew to understand each other a little more but since her heart was not in the place of saving a marriage, it did absolutely nothing.

I think marrying in you 20's is difficult because neither of you really know what you want outta life and you really haven't grown up all the way yet. Therefore you have to grow with each other and accept and understand them. This is the part i think my future former wife can't see..

I like you feel that she was and always will be the "One"...I know I must now look to get on with my life but it can be very difficult when you know who it is you feel you should be with and you lost...

Thanx for giving me a place to vent...It's nice to know I'm not the only one out there...

Shane

"Why do we feel we need to get married? The historical background of marriage came from a sense of ownership. When a woman entered "coverture" she became the property of her husband. She became "civilly dead". She no longer had any civil rights under the law. Eventually through history this changed, but sadly enough much of it stays the same. Think for example of most women's situation after divorce when the "man" controlled all of the financial resources. In that situation, the woman is still left civilly dead and unsupported.

But the main issue here is the necessity of the traditional institution of marriage. I don't believe for a second that this is an issue of responsibility. I think more people are taking responsibility for themselves than ever before. The high numbers of divorce prove this to me. People are taking responsibility for their own happiness and the happiness of their households. It is not an easy or pleasant thing to get a divorce, and I am not in the frame of mind that believes people should remain together for the sake of the children, they know when things are not good, or for their families or for a business contract. People should remain together if they are happy together, and have an equally fulfilling relationship, whatever that means to the individual.

There is also the issue of growth and change. Who said that marriage is natural and healthy. Who said that human beings should be with one partner for their entire lives. Marriage has been so traditionalized, institutionalized and romanticized in this society that it is seen as a necessity. A woman has only "made it" if she is the winner of some man's love. I believe that we need to question the existing concept of marriage and perhaps update the laws accordingly to the ever-changing societal needs. If 50% of Americans are ending up in divorce we need to conform to these new circumstances rather than force old traditions to a different society. A society where people are no longer getting married. Where same sex lovers are "coming out" and entering the equation. Where divorce is leading to single parent homes and the feminization of poverty leaving millions of women and children unsupported.

I am not totally against love. Love is one of the very most important emotions that individuals should feel. Love is healthy and necessary, but with all of the pressures of marriage on everyone's back and all of the legal consequences it becomes very difficult to innocently explore that feeling and gain the full effect. I live in Utah, which is the Mormon capital of the world and I have experienced young people straight out of high school getting married all of the time. These young people have no idea who they are, who they want to be, what they want, I know because I am much older and I don't know. So how can they be expected to choose a partner for life and always be happy with that, unless they let parts of themselves go. Is this responsibility? Are we responsible if we forgo our own desires and ambitions for a stale marriage. For a partner who has grown in an opposite direction.

I think we are responsible as a society if we do without our present day concept and legality of marriage and are able to freely explore love, intimacy, relationships, gender blind and legally blind and traditionally blind. I agree more with the concepts of common law, but feel we need to totally rewrite policies on marriage and divorce. How we do this, I don't know. But I do know that in a society where 50% of marriages end in divorce something ought to be done to conform to that statistic."

I respect your opinions, but must include one of my own. "Behind every great, devastating, one-sided, profitable divorce, is a great woman."

Erik

my story is simple...i was left for a purple felt bag with crown royale in it.

my husband (whom i've given chance after chance of redeeming himself) decided he didn't want to deal with a nagging wife, concerned about his excessive drinking and basically decided that he'd be better off back in the ball game. while we were deciding on whether to go through the divorce he played some serious head games with me...left me little notes leading me to believe that there was a chance of reconciliation. during this period of toying with me he was already "dating". he's even brought his family to meet this new chick! the corpse isn't even cold yet and he's already out there. talk about heartless (which is what his own brother says about him).

i dealt with one year of lying, yelling, boozing out of control and being ignored and i still was willing to reconcile with this guy. he is the one who left the note to "go ahead and have the lawyer send the papers". he started blaming me for his excessive drinking, saying i pushed his buttons. i feel so incredibly betrayed, especially after the mental abuse that i had been through that i was still in the reconciliation mode..buying self-help books, talking to numerous friends, counselors, crying and being completely numb that he is DATING!

all my friends have told me that this is the best thing that could happen (he wasn't well liked by anyone i know) and that i will find someone soon. i hope they are right. i know that nothing good could come of a relationship with an alcoholic, but i was willing to try to help him. he has made me feel so low and that i am the one who has caused this mess. i hope that i can trust again and feel good about myself again.

heart broken

You make a good point. a lot of people I know especially in the military and generation Xers that do get divorced quickly, and I wonder why they got married.

But I also know a lot of young adults who do stay married but are in abusive relationships, with the female afraid to leave and who also has children. I will say again you do make a good point yet sometimes The "d" word is the right thing to do know matter how long two people have been married especially with children involved.

And I get really frustrated when people are so pro-marriage that this type of thinking can keep someone in a abusive relationship ending up in damage or death to the wife and or children. So, when is it okay to call it quits? or is it literally "To Death Do Us Part"....

m

"I am a 29 year old female. I have been married since I was 18, and now have 3 children. But, I think I just married too young.

Perhaps my generation has something to do with it, in that we never had anything real to believe in, we just were. And, so now we are always constantly longing for something better and something to believe in and get excited about.

Actually, I really am not sure. I only know I have hit a stage of not wanting to be married any longer. Yes, I work, yes, I enjoy my work. But, ultimately, I am just not sure I want to be married the rest of my life. I can't picture the same scenario over and over for another 30 or 50 years.

Well, I will be interested to see what comes up on this site. Keep up the input."

Julia

Thank you for putting up this site. It's helpful to see that there are many people going through the same situation that I am. It's comforting to know you are not alone.

Today I ended a 6 1/2 year relationship. Although we weren't married, our lives were the same as any married couple, we lived together, talked about "forever" and I didn't think it would end

Three months ago she told me she was going out after class to have dinner with her sister. For some reason I suspected she wasn't. I can't say why. Maybe it was how she was dressed, and her make up. When she came home I asked her what was going on. She said she had dinner with a guy from her class.

That week she started expressing that she wanted to leave. The dynamic of the relationship was such that in the past, if we had a fight, she always came back and was sorry. I guess, I expected the same, so I said "Fine, leave then". She left.

The next week we didn't talk. Then on that Friday she was supposed to come over, she needed to give me a check to cover something. On the phone she told me she forgot her checkbook. Trying to seem strong I said "Its OK, you can mail it to me if you want to". Then we hung up. A half hour later my heart started to melt, and I called back. She had already left work. The sudden realization of where she was going to hit me. That was a terrible night.

The next day she came over and admitted she slept with the guy from her class. I was devastated. She expressed attraction to him. My world was crumbling.

Over the last three months I have tried, unsuccessfully to get her back. I've tried to give her space, but my sadness only made me more needy. I asked her over and over if she was still seeing that guy. She told me she wasn't. Then last week, I found out she has been seeing him all along.

In the relationship I was controlling and often critical. I always asked her to change certain things about herself. Well, she finally did change, and then she left me.

I'm heartbroken and lost. Still, I know that from past experience you get over these things. The healing makes you a stronger person. Its just one of the worst things to have to make it through, but you do.

My thoughts are with you all.

Alec

You have shown great courage by laying your heart out to the world. The various letters contributed by readers have been thought provoking. As a thirty-two year old man, I fall in the gray zone between Boomer and GenX. While I feel there are problems unique to each group, I believe the human condition transcends both age and gender. Unlike many contributors, I am still married. My wife and I have been together for nine years.

Two things disturb me about the readers comments. Everyone seems to still love their ex. AND everyone is looking for a reason why marriage doesn't work. As for myself, I strongly identify with the phrase you used "nothing is wrong, but it isn't quite right either." and therefore would not be so bold as to suggest that I have an answer. The fact is I am looking to you and your readers to give a clue as to why marriages fail, before mine does, that is why I would like to submit the following "questions" for you review and comment.

Is love a state of being or is it a process? If love is a state of being, then it follows that you are either "in" love or "out" of love. Many of the readers have noted that when they were "in" love the world seemed fulfilling and kind. Then when their marriages failed, they report being "in" love but now the world is colored by cynicism and despair. Did the world change or did we? Aren't we supposed to grow in the depth and range of our understanding as we age? Shouldn't a better relationship with reality strengthen our relationships with others not undermine it?

From the letters, I hear allot about "roles" and expectations. What I'm suggesting is, that love is a process whereby we replace our illusions about our spouse, and about marriage in general, with the deeper understanding of reality. The primary benefit of marriage (and child-raising), in my opinion, is to see reality through the eyes of another person. If I spend all my time shattering what I think are her illusions, I have very little time to confront my own. If you find a "reason" why your marriage failed, or in my case, why I think the marriage is beginning to fail, how do you know you're right. Is it a reason, or just an excuse to hide your illusions behind.

The questions I have about my marriage are not any different from my questions about life itself. Life itself is painful and frustrating. The world doesn't always match my expectations. I cry out for purpose and meaning and get only silence in return. But I don't kill myself just because the world doesn't provide me with fruit-baskets and opium. I have confront the world on its terms. Likewise, I get frustrated when my wife doesn't meet my all my emotional needs. My wife doesn't see to my every whim automatically. I have to face the fact that some "needs" are really only fantasies and will never be met.

Pain is a given, suffering is optional. Maybe our parents were unhappy, but not because they were married, but because they were alive. Maybe their fighting each other mirrored the battles they faced within themselves. Maybe we are not strong enough to fight the interior battle, so we give up.


I don't blame anyone for a broken marriage. I don't thing the concept of "failure" is very useful, because it supports the illusion that a marriage can be a "success"

chad

rochelle's tim's carmen's anonymous'

jed's sunday's tony's Amanda's

shane's responsibility's erik's heart broken's

m's julia's alec's chad's