| jodi's dave's wendy's darlene's |
cindy's dawn's martin's margaret's |
phil's jon's joe's angie's |
lost's loughl chuck realized |
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thought this may be of some help to you nicholas...perhaps this is why some marriages fail....unmet expectations?...
Dr. Toni Grant, an eminent feminine psychologist, in her book, "Being a Women....", states:
"No question about it: Marriage and motherhood are "in", and many a modern woman has laid down her [aggressive women of the eighties attitude] and found contentment with the hero of her choice.
Yet many women remain alone, in spite of their efforts toward bonding. Relationships fail; no man ever seems quite heroic enough. Often, what has happened is that these women have fallen in love with ... a Ghostly Lover....
The Ghostly Lover can most simply be seen as the great "him", the perfect man, Mr. Right, Mr. Wonderful, that man - real or imaginary - that a woman can never have, the Prince Charming that is sure to arrive - someday - on her doorstep, glass slipper in hand.
The Ghostly Lover is an exalted and unrealistic ... projection; it is as if the woman takes the male within herself (her animus), idealizes him, and projects that ideal out onto every man she meets....
He is her perfect male self. Needless to say, real men cannot meet this test; almost all men fare poorly when compared with a woman's Ghostly Lover.... Her Ghostly Lover is a demon master; jealous of her attempts at intimacy with real men, he holds the woman fiercely in his grip.
He serves as a barrier between her and real life, thereby reinforcing her self-sufficiency and keeping her trapped in her "when" script. "Real" life - and love and marriage and motherhood - will begin, she tells herself, "when" she meets the "right man". But the right man never comes along, for every man has a blemish, a flaw, an imperfection which is somehow intolerable, especially when compared to the ghostly image of masculine perfection that hovers in her unconscious.
During the teenage years, it is normal for women to have fantasies of a dream lover; most women grow up with fairy-tale princes on their minds. But growing into womanhood means bonding with an "actual" man and loving him for exactly what he is, not what one wishes he could be.
If the power of the Ghostly Lover does not wane but grows stronger as a woman ages, his hold on her becomes so powerful that soon no man can bond with her, for she is indeed "married" to the Ghostly Lover within."
love,
Jodi
"Some very profound observations.
I agree that it is definitely an age of disillusionment. But I'd like to throw into this mix that we have also evolved into a people who choose to accept LESS responsibility than ever before. Or at least the attitude of: "Woops. That didn't work. Time for something else." is such a common thing that even those of us who are very responsible tend to lean towards "dropping the ball" when confused and downhearted.
I know that I had full intentions of working through all of the problems in my relationship with Jeanine. And she always thought "Things will be better when _________.", constantly filling in the blank. Well, when she finally figured out that she couldn't fill in the blank and achieve happiness, her choice was not to involve me in determining why, but to bail. To her credit, she did work on it a bit, but I really don't believe her heart was ever into it.
So my case was an issue of trust on several levels. Trusting myself, trusting Jeanine, Jeanine trusting me and Jeanine trusting herself. Jeanine didn't trust herself but got married anyway, hoping that feeling would go away. She didn't trust that I would do anything to save what good things we did have, and her sudden bomb drop has made it so I could never trust her. Once I figured that out, the only direction was out.
My role models are my parents, married 35+ years, and still happy and healthy. However, I guess they aren't the norm. But nonetheless, I did not adopt a nonchalant attitude towards marriage. And I don't think most people ever do (intentionally). But maybe we, as a generation, have been conditioned to question so much that is established that we have trouble accepting that love CAN BE powerful enough to carry us through the shittiest of times, providing we actively work together with our mate to keep the relationship alive and honest.
Starting to sound idealist. I know that lots of people married 50 years have had the worst lives because they could never own up to the mistake of marrying who they did. But I think more marriages would last if there was more mandatory pre-marital counseling and an overall greater sense of responsibility for your actions. Maybe we'd both still be married now if it cost $3,000 and mandatory retreat-style counseling sessions for rocky marriages to get a divorce. And maybe we'd be happy, and maybe not. The important thing for me is that I've learned and grown from my previous marriage, and I now know what I expect of myself and of my spouse. And I'm a lot more confident.
So I'm getting married on September 8th. Just family, at sunrise on the beach in the outer Banks of N.C.! Terry and I share the same outlook on marriage, and I'm very optimistic about our choice..."
"i too have suffered a divorce. as a matter of fact, i'm about to suffer another one. yeh! and i'm only 31. i promised after the first time, never again. but, here i go...again. but i still have two more to go to catch up to my mother. she has 4 notches in her lipstick case.
anyway, things are not as bleak as they seem. i feel divorce is more wide spread today than many years ago because it is more accepted. when my mom was younger, divorce was still taboo. that doesn't mean people loved each other more, it just means society deemed divorce as wrong. still does, but not as bad. so with that in mind, things today are NOT that much different. sure, there is a stronger break down in the family structure. but, that is to be expected. america is a mish mosh of cultures. many americans have lost their sense of belonging. before i get carried away, i still believe you can be truly happy with one person for the rest of your life. i also believe that you can deeply love many people in a lifetime. hmmm, what now? well, if you look at the situation logically, which i'm sure you already have, life is about growth. we grow older, grow wiser (maybe), grow fatter... whatever. the point is we grow, and with growth comes change. hey, it's an old cliche but very poinant, "the only constant is change".
and by the way, i DON'T buy that one in a million bullshit! just open your mind a little more! you'll be surprised at all the opportunities you'll find!"
warmest regards,
wendy
"I am blown away by the unbelievably high rate of marriages ending in divorce in our generation. I think it is very sad that so many people expect their marriage to be a safe haven, an escape, something to fall back on, or a fairy tale without seeing the amount of work, yes WORK, that goes in to a successful lifelong partnership.
I have been married for five years now and there is not a day that goes by that is "easy" or "perfect". My husband and I married on a beautiful spring day in 1992 and since that day, I have grown considerably. The image of the chance meeting, perfect courtship, surprise proposal, and a "happily ever after" ending are straight out of Cinderella.
A real marriage is hard but rewarding. There are fights, tears, joy, exasperation, compromise, and a host of other daily trials. The reward is a deep love combined equally with a caring friendship. If your mate is not FIRST on your list of important things in life, you should never pledge "til death do us part".
If young people are not willing to learn the art of compromise, how to apologize when they are wrong, and how to put their marriage on top of the "TO DO" list, they will never succede.
When my grandparents talked of the hard times they went through as a couple, I listened. They showed me that marriage is never perfect, but the love you and your spouse share can survive the worst life can throw at you if you have taken the time to develop your relationship into a considerate, tender, fortress for the two of you TOGETHER! If there are walls in your relationship (of any kind), you can never achieve the wonderful marriage that all young couples dream of.
In the past five years, my husband and I have survived the loss of a child, the constant loneliness of marriage in the Marine Corps, major surgery, the births of two more perfect children, moves across the country, not enough money to pay the basic bills, and enough daily hassles to fill two or three lifetimes. Yet through all of these things, there was never a night when we didn't kiss each other goodnight, a day when we didn't tell each other "I love you" and MEAN IT, or a crisis that we didn't face together.
It takes a lot of time and commitment to achieve the level of trust we have in each other and the feeling of absolute certainty that the trust is not misplaced. I believe that part of the reason we have achieved such a great relationship is because we didn't rush things. We dated for three years before we decided to get married and when we did take that huge step, we meant every word of our vows unconditionally.
I think too many young people put conditions and limitations on their love. What they fail to realize is that only when you both let yourselves feel the full strength of your love, do you begin to see just how special it is.
Communication is probably the biggest factor in making a marriage work. I do not mean saying hello to your mate as you pass each other going in opposite directions. I mean taking time out of every day to tell each other what happened during the day, how you feel about these things, and really LISTENING to the other person. Sometimes just letting your spouse talk out their frustration from the day, without passing judgement or trying to "solve it" for them is the best way to be there for them. This takes control on your part, and trust on their part that you won't lash out at them for expressing themselves. Listening should include a large percentage of silence from you. By letting your mate talk at their own pace, without interruptions, you nurture their trust and your own understanding of their personality, moods, emotions, and beliefs.
Perhaps if more young couples had stronger role models and a better understanding of their prospective mate, they would take the time to nurture their relationship daily so that it has the chance and the means to develop into the kind of long-lasting, beautiful marriage they dream of."
"I have been separated from the love of my life.... I have my own apartment and we have separated all our worldly possessions. It makes me sick every day to go home and know that I have to be alone after 10 years. I always believed that we would be together forever. We too, had purchased our rocking chairs that were placed side by side. The chairs are still there, only one of them rocks now. Of course, the thought goes through my mind regularly of who will fill my empty chair.....and just how long will it take to fill. What time frame are we dealing with to try and put the pieces back together? How long do I have before one of us decides it's too late?
There still may be hope for my situation and you have certainly made a lot of valid points about relationships and marriage. I try to go out just so I don't have to be at home, but it's so hard to smile. My heart is breaking and I just don't know how to fix it. There has always been so much turbulence in our marriage; most of which dealt with his children or his family situations. I have always been there every step of the way....I have always tried to be there for everyone first and me last. It seems there is an unending need for everyone else to want or need something and if it's me who needs or wants, it's unacceptable. Is this how it's suppose to be? Maybe I am being overly sensative? Maybe after so many years of giving, I'm just given out.
My attitude is why I live alone. Do I look at your story and wonder if someday I'll regret not being willing to do whatever it takes to stay together? Your situation has stirred me. You talk about your former wife not your ex-wife. You have only loving and kind words for her and your relationship and yet you still got divorced. How can this be? It seems, at least in your eyes, that it was meant to be forever!!!
I want someone special in my life and I would really like as unconditional love as I can possibly get. I think that everyone goes through a period in there life when they are not the best person to be around. But, does that mean they're a throw-away. I think not. Whatever happened to 'for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health.' Our wedding vows didn't say in goodtimes but when the bad times hit it's time to hit the road. They said in good times AND in bad. I think this is the part everyone forgets.
Anyways, thanks for listening and I hope you are having a happy life. I really enjoyed all of your arcticles. Maybe they will prove useful in the weeks and months ahead."
Thanks again.
Cindy
"i am only 21 and already divorced. it is such a strange idea to me that i feel like i am lying when i say it. i met my ex when i was 14 years old. he was the only guy i ever dated, or ever wanted to. we stayed together for 6 years, and had a beautiful daughter who is now three. i am not sure when it happened, or why, but eventually we grew up and grew apart.
i have found that being divorced is a label, and one i am not too fond of. i have found it extremely hard to meet anyone, for relationships or friendships. i think that is something commonly felt after divorce. you don't want anyone to get too close anymore. not to mention not too many men my age are interested in a ready-made family.
so many kids, because that's what we are, are getting married too young. we are so wrapped up in the story book love that we fail to see reality: bills, responsibilities, needs.
my advice to anyone who tells me they're getting married, especially before they have even experienced life is wait. the statistics are telling us that only 50% of marriages last. those aren't very good odds, we must be doing something wrong. i wish that i would have listened to my friends, parents, and everyone else telling me that i had no idea what i was getting myself into. now i am stuck trying to get myself through school, with little support from my ex, and trying to be a good parent for my daughter. it's definitley not what i dreamed i would be doing in college or in life. my thoughts!"
"Your writing and putting up this page is highly commendable, and you have some very valid points to make.
I am currently in a relationship that will end in divorce I already know this, in fact I wish it could happen sooner than later but there are financial realities at work here that I have no way around.
I have been as bluntly open and honest with my wife as I know how to be, and she is totally the opposite. In fact one of the big arguments is that she tells EVERYONE else what our problems are and what my problems are, EXCEPT me! Then I hear about it third hand, and by then it has been twisted around to fit their needs...
Some of the counselors (of which there have been MANY!) have said that MY expectations are too high, but I don't think so. I think that my wife is just not willing to live up to them, and doesn't even try to. Yes, I expect a lot, but what I do expect is fair in MY opinion. She has always seemed to think that the counselors could just wave a magic wand and everything would be fine because she would either change for a week or two or so and then fall right back off that cliff back to where she was, or just not do anything at all.
Now I don't want this to start sounding all one sided, because it isn't. Its just that I have been consistently given the short end of the stick and am SICK of it!
Just what I think, that's what you ASKED for isn't it?"
"I am 28 -- female -- living in Washington DC - relocated here from Los Angeles two and a half years ago with my husband, Darrell. He wanted to pursue his political career -- and he did. Except, he left me along the way...striving to excel in my advertising career (a tough thing to do here in Washington). I was utterly alone. The psychiatrist calls it DSM-IV code number 390.40 -- an adjustment disorder. I hated not getting the love, attention, affection I used to get. I had to leave.
I left a year and five months ago. A lot of the time, I regret it. But Darrell says it's too late to go back. He's found a new love. Someone who shares his political views. Someone to be his new soulmate. After 13 years (three married, ten dating), I flushed everything down the toilet and now I have to move on. Yes, I am still in D.C. Maybe not alone, but definitely with someone who I can't be with forever. Darrell hasn't filed the divorce papers yet -- something I am trying to prevent, yet just waiting for it to happen...He won't call me -- won't acknolwedge me. He hates me. He's hurt by me. My therapist says "move on" but it's hard since she's counselling him, too.
I guess your views on why our marriages don't last are pretty correct. We didn't come equipped with an owner's manual...we didn't realize that our dysfunctional families was going to make us dysfunctional -- in fact, we rebelled. We toasted to our marriage as "we'll show them!" "We can make it".
Whatta pipedream."
Some reactions on your description of your relationship, your thoughts re modern marriage.
My perspective: married at 22, both of us physicians, two children, divorced after 18 years.
My feelings re my ex early in our marriage: She was the most special person I had ever met, similar career goals, very bright person, quite attractive. This was my one and only. I felt protected from the world when I was with her as if the two of us together could ward off all the evil that existed in the world that would threaten us. When she first mentioned divorce, I was devastated, I knew I would survive, but I wanted our marriage so badly I was willing to try anything. We went to therapy together for 2 years. She dropped out. This scenario sounds very familiar to yours.
I have some perspectives on this I would like to share with you. First, I depended on her to sheild me from the world to some extent. This is smothering, I should have been doing this for myself, and now I do. Your comment about the two of you being inseparable rang a bell. It reminds me of much I have read about it being necessary for a person to be a FULL person in his/her own right before being capable of a successful marriage. I KNOW this is true. The words are indistinct and the concept is not easy to communicate clearly, but I know it to be true. After my divorce, I became a more complete person by learning how to be alone and enjoying my own company. I did things that I had always wanted to and was prevented from doing by my marriage. A weekend trip by myself to photograph fall leaves, a golf trip with my male friends (this is where I am as I write). I took a cruise by myself. It is interesting that often others were surprised that I would do these things by myself, my reaction is "why not?" Actually at times it is much better being alone, I can do exactly what I want.
I also dated many different women. My concept was that I wanted to learn about different people, so I deliberately chose some that seemed unsuited to me. I became an observer of myself with these women, watching my reactions and learning why I reacted as i did. I have learned much.
In fact, while the divorce is still (after 4 years) difficult with legal fights still brewing, it is without any doubt the very best thing that could have happened to me because I used it as a catalyst to teach me about life and myself.
I know people who have married in their early 20's and have thrived, all with major problems at one time or another. My understanding of their success is that they either were more mature than we were when they married or that through their process of maturing, the people that they were becoming still happened to be compatible people, whereas in my situation, the two of us became incompatible. I do see that those who waited to marry until later (late 20's) seem to have a more stable marriage.
I do not believe that what you have gone through is specific to GenX'ers, your story is my story, and I am 45. Is it more common today? maybe. In the past, the housewives you reference were without any support should they divorce, the prevalence of professional women now may make it easier for divorce to happen, since they now have their own means of support. In the past, divorce would have left them destitute, so they may have tolerated situations then that women who can make their own way now will not tolerate. Is this better or worse? I don't think it is possible to know.
Regarding the question of two career marriages: you subscribe to the common belief that it is absolutely necessary to have two careers to make ends meet. This is not true. Certainly, you may not have as nice a house with one income, but so what? I have witnessed in my lifetime a certain inflation of expectations. The typical new house in the 50's was about 2000 sq feet, had a one car garage, had no appliances with it (had to move in your own), no air conditioning, one telephone, no stereo. Now all of these amenities are regarded as being as vital as air and food. These things are nice, but not necessities. Why is it not possible for two people both to have lower-key careers in order to prioritize their marriage above the possessions?
"I like your site and admire your constructiveness... turning pain into something you can learn from, and explore. I like your approach.
I come from a divorced family... my mother and father were separated when I was about 8, tried to make it work on and off for about 3 years, and then they finally called it quits. I have two words to say about how divorce effects all children, NOT GOOD.
I like to study marriage, romanticsm, power, sexism and basic economics. I am convinced that the reason people are divorcing is because they don't understand going into it that, basically, times have changed.
Up until about 60 years, women couldn't vote. To get anywhere, they had to marry. They had no economic power.
Today, women don't need men, literally. They have economic power and they are no longer second class citizens. Before modern times, marriages were held together by this dynamic. Hell, the guy could even have a mistress, and the women would stay. In some countries, it was expected!
There are some great books on romanticism and how it was *invented* in the 1700's and bought by the general public, especially the women. I believe we are not inately romantic. I believe we inately want to be accepted, loved and explore our sexuality and tenderness, but none of those are romanticism; it's a fiction.
I am not being cynical, and I am not bitter. It is just I have studied it and that is the conclusion you have to come up with. The economics support it. A man and his wife in the workforce don't make the same standard of living that a man did 50 years ago. Women are being sucked into the work force because a family can't survive without the women participating.
And it makes sense to me with what has happened recently, and is happening right now. Birth control in the 60's... whoa! That put women on par with men in some areas of sex, namely they can have control of sex for pleasure and sex for procreation. With artificial insemination, they don't even need a man (except for the sperm). It is like sex and procreation are becoming decoupled from the heterosexual/marriage relationship.
...about professional parenting, children are born to not just 2 parents, but 50 parents. I don't think an adult has to be a parent to have a complete life. I DO think an adult has to nurture and teach to have a complete life."
I suppose thousands of people have visited this site and said, "Yeah, that's me". There are bits and pieces of each person's story that could have been lifted directly from my life. However, the thread that ties us all together is the pain of the loss and the confusion which follows. I guess in looking at my failed marriage (and other Gen X'ers I know) I can categorize things into a few general groups:
THE BEST I'VE EVER HAD: My soon-to-be-ex-wife and I have had to face up to some very hard truths: I asked her to marry me for the wrong reason (she was the best young lady I'd ever been around and filled a lot of the needs I had at the time), and she said yes for all the wrong reasons (I was the first normal "man" that she had had a relationship with, I wasn't an alcoholic or drug addict who was going to abuse physically/emotionally etc...I was a "good guy" who she knew would always be there). We knew each other for four weeks when I proposed marriage...we were engaged for nine months and in that time knew that it was a big mistake...but were willing to trade the safety and security of the marriage for everything else in our lives. Big mistake.
FEAR OF BEING HONEST: I guess this is problem with our generation and I'm not exactly sure why. I know that both of us stopped being honest with each other very early on because we did not want to hurt the other person for fear of losing them. Again, this is not love and will only lead to problems further down the road. Now we are being very open and honest with other, and it is painful...because the truth is the marriage was over a long time ago, but neither one of us had the courage to stand up and admit it. We would have looked like failures...little did we know that is a small price to pay.
LACK OF TRUE INTIMACY: I don't mean sex...I mean that gut-level unconditional sharing and acceptance. I suppose the reason we have trouble with this is that we are scared to let people know our weaknesses and fears...scared to make ourselves vulnerable. Again, it goes back to that fear of losing your partner...the fear of "not being enough" as one author put it. Let me suggest a book "Compelled To Control". It is all about what kills intimate relationships and how to change those things. I think it was writing specifically for us Gen X'ers...we have grown up in a world that seems to be spinning out of control...and most of us, at some level, are scared to death.
I wish I knew all the answers..all the right things to say. Right now all I know is this: the loss is painful. The lack of courage to be honest, I regret...but I can't dwell on the past. Each new day is a blessing and I have the power to make of it whatever I choose. My fear is that I will never be able to trust myself or another person in a relationship again. Eventhough I now know that is it that very vulnerability which can bring people into a very intimate relationship (even simple friendship) I don't know that I want to make myself that vulnerable...only time will tell.
Best wishes to all who read this. Please be honest with yourself and make sure you are doing the things that make YOU happy. Until you do this on a daily basis you will never be happy in a relationship.
No relationship/job/person/car/etc...can make you happy...only you can do it. And you will if you stay honest...
Your writings are commendable. There are, though, some discrepancies.
I do not believe (speaking as a woman) that we will ever secretly move off and completely disregard the male gender at all. The reason being is that nothing can replace ( not even another woman) the joy of seeing a man with their children, having someone do the dirty work for you, or even having his big strong arms around you and both he and you know this thing is gonna be forever.
Although men do give women every right in the world to sometimes believe that we are superior, we still have a God-given longing towards the opposite sex. I believe that no matter what society says or dictates, even indoctrinates, most women wish that they didn't have to be "Superwomen". It's very taxing on your body and emotional state of being when you must bring home that bacon and fry it too. God gave us each roles in life, so let us not overtax ourselves and forsake them.
Men go ahead and do what's natural by financially supporting your family and women do what you do best and give your emotional support.
Whoa, did you describe your life, or was it mine? I too am (will soon to be "was", I guess) married (known each other for 25 years, married 20 years, two beautiful boys) to the most wonderful and beautiful woman I ever knew, we were soooo much in love with each other since high school, we were absolutely crazy about eachother, we were totally compatible emotionally, intellectually, artistically, financially etc...we would have died without each other, it was a match made in heaven. Unfortunately, it seems to be ending, as I'm writing this, in absolute hell...And it was all because I didn't pay her enough attention and love and passion when we experienced tensions and difficulties between her and my mother, who, frankly speaking, was and is not an angel at all...
So, being caught in between, instead of fending for my wife, I felt so lost and frustrated, I grew cold and distant and uncommunicative, because we would argue every time we talk about the subject of my mom, me trying to explain my mom's flaws and shortcomings as such and should be ignored, and her not accepting it at all...
Then she stopped loving me after so many years of feeling like all she did was give, give, give, always thinking of other people first and never herself, and now that she has reached middle age (I'm 43, she's44 but looks 34), she's afraid she'll waste her life with someone she doesn't love anymore... Then, she met someone else who gave her all the attention she needs, fell in love with him. So, I've become the"undesirable".
We will separate soon for a while to see how the kids adapt to the new situation. But how can anyone blame her, if she's suffered so much? I can only wish her the best and all the happiness she deserves. And yes, I still love her enormously. Now, I've reached, I hope and think, the level where I can love her unconditionally. Only, it's too late as far as she's concerned. But it's OK, as long as I know she's happy...
Oh it's a long story, and all too painful, but the end result is that, now, i've lost my love, THE love of my life... Thanks for expressing your thoughts and feelings so succinctly, for they very much reflect mine...I understand your feelings perfectly!
Please just sign me,
Lost love
Thank you for your site. I don't feel crazy anymore.
I've known my husband half my life. We've been married a year and a half. We start counselling this weekend, but I don't think we'll see our 2nd anniversary. We're both 28.
He's been my best friend since high school. He supported me when I went back to college. I helped him when he couldn't find a job after college. We shared everything with each other and realized we were in love.
Trouble started not 6 months after the wedding. He resented having to share in the housekeeping. I resented having to do it all myself. He expected to be 'man of the house.' I expected a gender-indifferent partnership.
Why? I can only guess it's related to the way we were raised. One of the 'fun' things about genX-ers is that we don't have a common family structure. His parents were just that much older than mine that they resembled the 'traditional' family. His mother stayed home, his father worked. C'est tout. Mine, however, both had careers and both took care of the home. We didn't divide responsibilities into gender roles. When I got married, I thought I'd have a similar structure to my parents' marriage. I think that when my husband married, he was hoping for a marriage like his parents had.
We start therapy this weekend. I really don't think it'll work. I think we both have very different hopes and needs out of a marriage... because our parents raised us that way.
We'll see...
L.
My wife and I had been together for 8 years. We [had], well i thought, an excellent marriage. All the trials and obstacles put in our way seemed to make us stronger.
Some things happened in the past and I found out a year ago that she was talking with her ex-boyfriend via email and phone and confronted her with it only to hear "it is just as friends". I had a feeling that she had been talking to him before finding out and when questioned, she would tell me to not be ridiculous because it wasn't happening. When I confronted her, she said she lied to protect me. Great job!!!! It did nothing but undermine my trust.
Well, anyway she walked out 3 weeks ago, took our youngest child and left the oldest. We have heard from her one time by phone (3 days after leaving) and still have no clue to where she and the baby are at the moment. There was an argument the night she left, but to lead to this, i don't understand. She has made no attempts to work this out.
She recently emailed our oldest (5 years old) and he only knows a few words. In this email she said that it would be a while before she could get to see him and that she would send him a birthday package. His birthday is a month away. So from this i gather that I won't see my baby for a long while.
To the point of unconditional love...I do love her in that way. I mean, I am going through a lot of pain and confusion. I watch as our 5 year old lies awake staring at the wall in silent tears only being able to say that I am sorry and that mommy loves him. I have anger over that toward her and the fact she has made no attempt to let me see our almost 2 year old. The unconditional love comes in because I promised God that I would love her till death do us part. The woman I married had a heart of gold, I don't know this woman but I do know that somewhere within this woman is the woman I love.
You may think me crazy, but I do want to reconcile. I want to have my family back. Everyone says, "just give her time to think". It is difficult to hear that because I know how much thinking I have done in the past three weeks, and the conclusions I have came to concerning not only this marriage, but my life in general. I'm not trying to portray her in a bad light. She has always been an excellent mother and I am by no means innocent. The argument was my fault by way of lack of trust due to the email and phone incident. I have always been faithful to her and take pride in that as a young male.
Could it be that she just desired to be with her ex-boyfriend to the degree that she is willing to give up this family and our dreams? Does she just need time? Her new email address is her initials (her maiden name). That hurt. Three weeks, and already disowning the name she said "she proudly carried" for 7 of the eight years together. I don't think I will ever love again.
Thanks for putting this page up. I feel better after I vent. I'm all alone here and sometimes the thoughts echo in my head.
your page helped me realize i am not so far off the beaten path at 26, after 3 years of marriage..i am feeling lost and hopeless! we met in college..both have good careers but cannot keep the love alive at home.
i want so much more from life. i want to be happy more than have a good career or house or anything else. Our goals seem to be material. ...What can we build and bring to our family?? Should it be to make the most out of life?? To just find happiness?? This marriage is taking me down a path i do not want to go. The problem is complicated by a baby. the traditional side of me tells me that i cannot leave him. How can i destroy a family?? Take his child away from him??
my family would never understand..my mother and father do not love each other, yet they remain married..tied to the sacred vows they gave. They are miserable together but they stay. Why?? i do not want to end up that way.
our generation seems to be living by rules we have been brought up with. My parents rules don't work for me. But why can i not break them either???????
Either way you loose.........
| jodi's dave's wendy's darlene's |
cindy's dawn's martin's margaret's |
phil's jon's joe's angie's |
lost's loughl chuck realized |
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