latest additions:
Divorce ~ The Unexpected Legacy
I have been reading your website and find it very very helpful… encouraging and enlightening!!! I have dreamed of the perfect marriage. I have seen one or two that I thought were it, but have even found in closer observation, that they were not “all I dreamed” they were. It was an illusion I created in my mind based on my “short” observations in given circumstances. Your website helps me to find understanding concerning some of the things going on “under-cover” in our marriage. Such as some of the hidden thoughts and unspoken expectations and how that all adds up over time. Thank you.
My husband and I have never had the “perfection”, though that was our dream when we married. We wanted “simple”. We believed that “simplicity” would help us. Most of the people who I have heard have the perfect marriage, or I have envied, have gotten divorced even before my husband and I. (I thought we would have gotten divorced way long before them.) I don’t get it…. they had more going for them than we did. We stick together for other reasons though. Both are parents divorced, and the pain was horrific to us… neither one of us could comprehend why they did such a thing. Now we know. We don’t want that for our children. We are trying harder with prayer, being honest with our parents about where we are at, and being honest with our children as well. Our children have had a great deal of input. They say that parents shouldn’t involve their children in these kind of things, but I personally think that the wisdom of adults is often very foolish when compared to the simplistic wisdom and understanding of children in a given situation. Children are the most unconditionally loving people we will ever meet. If we want to learn about “unconditional love”, we should learn from their youthful examples… that is usually before the age where they get twisted by the adults and peers around them. The younger a child, the more honest and needy he is. He doesn’t hide his need, his wants, or his fears… it is all right out there in the open.. vulnerable for everyone to see.
Looking for answers concerning what happens to the children of divorce, Judith Wallerstein began tracking 131 children who’s parents divorced in the 70’s. She wrote a book called, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25 Year Landmark Study. What is interesting is that I am not one of the children she studied, but being the child of divorce myself, I found myself in that book over and over again. My parents were divorced more than 25 yrs ago. My father left my mother for the other woman, and yet, now, my mother and step-mother have email conversations and we share emails concerning all their children. Even given “good circumstances” 25 yrs later, doesn’t stop the legacy or the pain for the children. At least, not til the legacy is acknowledged. I believe that marriage was created to “protect” the children. Divorce does not.
I am a woman who has suffered a great deal in life as a child of divorce, in my mother’s second marriage, and in my marriage with another child of divorce. How much of the suffering NOW is caused by my own “preconceived” ideas and “expectations” vs the reality of my husband’s own preconceived expectations, I don’t know. Only God knows. I only know that it is torturous to us that we fail each other so miserably and that the legacy of our parents divorce is so much a continuing part of our lives. Somehow we had hoped that the our marriage would not carry the pain of their divorce into the future. We want so desperately to meet each others needs, but when it seems he doesn’t “need” me and has not time for me (like my parents growing up), it is one of the most painful experiences I have in life. Maybe this sense in my mind that he doesn’t need me and doesn’t have time for me is just an illusion in my mind caused by his behaviors that he uses to hide his own pain in our marriage.
He also comes from a broken home. We’ve had little example if any on how to communicate and work thru issues and problems as a husband and wife. We have gone to counseling, but he says that he “knows” and understands what the counselor will say and doesn’t need to keep paying out money we can’t afford to someone who really isn’t going to make a difference. Its about choice… each of us making a choice to “try” harder. Our trying isn’t always effective. Paying money to a counselor isn’t going to make us “make the right choices”.
But what is even scarier then our inability to “get along”, is the loss and detriment we leave to our children when we get divorced and the loss and detriment to them when we can’t live in peace either. I don’t know which is worse. No blame, just facts. If the loss to the children isn’t acknowledge, the pain becomes even greater. You may have lost a “spouse”. The children lose their “unity” within their mind, body and spirit. Their confusion is greater than ours as the parent. When one parent leaves the other, the child feels “left” as well. Half of the child becomes divorced from the other half. The “mommy” part thinks that the “daddy” part of me isn’t good enough. (I’m not sure all children are able to put it into words, but it is there even if only subconciously.) The daddy part thinks that the mommy part, isn’t good enough. (You always here people say, “you remind me of your (parent) in (this thing or that)”. In the child’s heart, they get this sense that they have to “hide” whatever that (thing is) when they are around the other parent. As a child, we often can’t figure out what happened to cause this divide and “unacceptableness”. Its just there and “within us”. This knowing that the one parent wants “no reminders” of the other. It causes the child to have this constant sense that they will not be “right” or “good enough” ~ cause there is always the “rejected” part.
At this moment, my husband and I are still married. We have been trying desperately to keep it together for 10 yrs, (yes since the very beginning). Almost as soon as we were married, the “yucky” stuff started coming out. All that stuff that we weren’t allowed to express as children of divorce. We had to hold it in. We’ve been praying for a miracle for years. I still pray and hope it will come. I believe it won’t happen til “I change”. I keep trying so hard to “meet the exectations” knowing that unconditional love isn’t so much about my spouse, as it is about me. I can’t make them stay if they choose to leave, but my attitutude towards them plays into their “dysfunction” towards me and their ability to love and feel safe in marriage with me.
Reading this website has been a very real “revealer” of things going on in our home… as well as a book that I am reading concerning the causes of illness. My marriage has caused me to be sick indirectly. My husbands lack of attention towards me… or failure to meet my needs has brought about thought patterns which have chemically altered my hormonal balance. I am physically sick from the “thoughts” that have been invoked by the interaction of my husband and I in our marriage. Why don’t I leave? Because he and I are both still trying to change and learn to meet each others needs. (We have both failed miserably at times!!) But even more so, because we know the legacy of divorce. We both have lived it for more than 30 yrs now. The only way to “stop” the legacy is to “break the chain of behavior” that is being replicated. The only way to break the chain of behavior is to understand “why” we are doing what we are doing ~ root cause. At some point, we end up “divorced”… but until then, we keep trying one day at a time.
When I married my husband, he was the “BEST” man I had ever met in my whole life. Like me, he was also a broken and hurting person inside. We are all broken and hurting. Hurting people, hurt people. I married him because I wanted to “love” that hurting person. He married me, I think for the same reason. We are both very giving and compassionate people, but even so, sometimes his reactions to his own pain are directed at me in very hurtful ways. My reactions directed at him as well. He cannot heal my pain, nor can I heal his pain. If I am going to look for someone who is not “broken”. I am not going to find them. We are all dysfunctional. WE all get our priorities wrong. I think the most amazing and beautiful thing that I have found in marriage is when someone “looks” to bring peace back to the relationships by saying “I’m sorry” even when they weren’t the person “wrong”. Truth is, there is always something we can say we are sorry for if we want to find it. Most of us don’t want to be sorry though. Even me. Sometimes I have to just outside the door and “pray” Lord make me willing and give me the words, cause I am not willing and don’t want to make peace cause I’m mad and hurt… and it wasn’t my fault, so if I have to say I’m sorry, then please Lord put the words in me ~ cause I don’t have them. Sometimes I have had to wait and wait for a change of heart to happen in me. I can’t change him, only me.
Children of divorce often become a comfort and support to their parents (whether the parents see it or not) and often forfeit their childhoods trying to protect and keep peace between their parents. For children, divorce is not a temporary crisis, it is everyday for their rest of their lives. Even now, my husband and I don’t spend Christmas with his parents or her parents. We spend Christmas with his mother’s family, his father’s family, her mother’s family, and her father’s family. Don’t even try to get a Gparent into this equation unless they are “included” with the rest of the his or her line. It wasn’t even our choice and doing, yet Christmas is a very stressful time of the year. If we only do “one family per holiday per year”, we see everyone only “once a year”. There aren’t even quite enough holidays. When parents divorce, there may be no more strife for them, but the stress only proceeds and continues to grow for the children as they start having their own children in adulthood and gparents want to know when you are bringing them over. Children of divorce live in two very different and separate worlds ~ moms and dads.
Most people believe that children are most deeply affected by the actual breakup of their parents, but it wasn’t until I was an adult that I felt the effects of divorce the most. In adulthood I tried to form lasting relationships, but the fear of betrayal or abandonment has haunted me thru out my life. If I am not “feeling” loved, I don’t feel “safe”. If I don’t feel safe… I want to “run and hide”.
When my children came along, I had not been raised in an “intact” family as my husband had been til the age of 12. My father left when I was 4, so my mother used “survival” techniques to care of her 4 children and did the best she could. (That was 4 children under the age of 7.) I was “doing my best” when my children were born, but it was never good enough for my husband. He became very sarcastic and mean concerning the way that he spoke his expectations to me. It is interesting that children learn the patterns of their parents and don’t even realize when they affect their expectations about what is “acceptable” and “what is not”.
Because I am a children of divorce at a very young age, I have experience childhood differently than children from intact families. I personally think I have many more insecurities while at the same time I have less expectations. I have learned to cover my insecurities better than other children ~ at least I think so. Trust and a sense of security is something I lost when my parents divorced. I haven’t ever been fully able to get that sense of trust back ~ I am constantly on guard for a lack of truth concerning where people are with me. People often take each other for granted ~ if people don’t get what they want or need from you ~ expect them to leave. That is a truth in the way most people behave.
My husband has had a more normal childhood because he was 12 by the time his parents divorced, but even so. Trust is a huge issue for him as well. We both try very hard to be “trustworthy” because of our pain. We probably try even harder because we know it is important to us. It doesn’t make marriage any easier. Life is hard. Hurting people, hurt people. We need to start learning that when someone gets angry they are hurt. Sometimes we have to put our own hurt down to “find out more about theirs”. In giving, sometimes we find that we get back.. sometimes we don’t. How much we can take or not take… I don’t know.
Wallerstein discovered. “When I talked to people who’d grown up in intact families, they talked about building a tree house. They remember all sorts of play. Children from divorced families never talked about their play. They just never brought it up.” Rarely do I remember going to a friends house… only Daddy’s and the babysitters. I remember feelings. I am full of feelings of sadness or loneliness. I am often preoccupied with “how to work out” Christmas Eve with Dad, then packing and driving early the next morning to spend Christmas Day with Mom. This pattern of thinking is hard to break after a whole childhood of it. It comes directly into marriage. Just something to think about. It is exhausting and wearing on the heart and mind and body. In adulthood, the anger gets released. The bitterness comes out. You just want to tell everyone off and tell them “I’m doing it my way now”.
I am not saying I’ve got it all figured out, or even that my way is best. I don’t know if my own marriage will survive. But I’m not sure that people really realize what they are doing to the children when they divorce. Do they children matter? I don’t agree completely with Mrs. Wallersteins way of counseling and helping the children of divorce. But I think if a person reads the book, the facts alone… the emotions and feelings expressed are mind boggling and eye opening. She put into words, into a book, things that my heart had felt for years, but I was unable to “say”. By reading this book, parents of children who have been thru divorce will find new ways of seeing and interacting with their children. I am not writing this so anyone will feel guilty. Please do not feel guilty, some of you had people who left you, others left because of abuse. You could not “control” their choices. Live at peace with that… and find a way to help your children. This book gives you a reason to “try harder” if you aren’t divorced but thinking about it. The book also guides by helping you to understand your children by getting a better sense of their “life” in this world… after divorce.
My own father could not go back and turn back time ~ but after 25 yrs, he didn’t understand why it was so hard for us to communicate with him. There were walls that he didn’t seem able to break thru. I asked him to read the book. He did. Now the dynamics have changed for all of us ~ for me and all my brothers and sisters because my father is reaching out to his children in ways he didn’t understand that we needed. He said if he had it to do all over, if he’d known the damage to his children, maybe he would have tried harder. Its too late for that now and maybe the marriage would have lasted if he had tried harder, but then again, maybe it wouldn’t have. If it had, then I wouldn’t have my beautiful half brother… so I am not necessarily saying that everything after divorce is awful…. but I am asking people to “consider” more deeply all that is being spoken about. Personal issues, spousal issues, the children’s issues in the future.
The decisions we make today have the ability to bless or curse our children, and ourselves 10 yrs from now. Sometimes we trade in one addiction of “behavior” or “habit” or “pattern” for another… and we become indebted to “stuff” and “emotions” and “behaviors and patterns” instead of “indebted” to trying to love very broken and hurting people. Our own feelings and emotions, and the emotions of our spouse are often our number one enemy…. and then later on.. the emotions of our children. We each need to becareful what we “choose”… (I’m speaking to myself as well.)
My heart cries out for everyone on this list… especially the man who’s wife ran off with the two year old … and left the 5 yr old crying at night ~ abandoned. The picture helps me to “stay” and “not run” from my own fears in my own marriage. I have wanted to leave since my daughter was a year old. She is now 9. I don’t want my children crying in their sleep at night wondering when they will see mommy again. I don’t want their hearts broken by me in the the same way mine has been broken by my parents and then again by the unmet expectations of my husband.
Our marriage moments aren’t always good, aren’t always bad. When my mind is “happy” and I take time to think good thoughts about my spouse, we have some really good days. I can’t control his thoughts towards me.. so sometimes his reactions and expectations don’t meet mine or mine his. Those times are often very ugly and hurt. The beauty only comes when we humble ourselves and say. I’m sorry ~ I failed. (Maybe I failed to meet their expectations -not my fault-but still.. I failed.. and I am sorry I can’t love him the way he wants to be loved. Maybe I failed by “reacting” myself to his reactions… or my own pain. I don’t want to act like that.. but I fail. I’m sorry. I’m not perfect, I fail. I am trying to the best of my ability, but I fail. I’m sorry your not happy with me. ~ nothing I can do about it.. but I’m sorry. There is always something we can come up with.. sorry they don’t meet my expectations.)
To choose to leave with the children, causes them to loose their daddy. To leave without the children, leaves them without their mommy. Isn’t there a way to learn to live in “peace”. I’m trying so hard to find that road. It is the hardest thing I have ever come up against. Is it really going to be greener in the other pasture?… or will it be just more broken and hurting people with a different “circumstances” but the same lessons to learn?
This also not to say that divorce is never wrong. If there is abuse… for the sake of everyone… toxic people are poisonous… violent people are deadly. If a spouse has toxic behaviors, habits and patterns, the children learn toxic behaviors, habits and patterns. If a spouse is violent, the children learn violence. (A boy to treat women badly or disrespectfully.. or girl to treat men badly or disrespectfully. Or, a boy or girl learns that its ok to be beaten or treated badly by others. A child that (s)he doesn’t matter and has no value if there is sexual abuse.) If it is that bad, get out. Choose “life”.
But sometimes I get the sense that its not that bad and we are just giving up on ourselves, and or others. Maybe I’m wrong… Life is hard. I don’t have all the answers… we are all dysfunctional to some extent… but I hope this helps someone else try to be stronger whether they need to “stay or go”.
broken child
In response to this question that you asked: "do all experiences and personal qualities carry the same weight or different weights?
meaning, does it take an equal number of hopes which are met and which strengthen the relationship to an equal number of dashed hopes for the scale to begin dipping into the negative zone? or, do one or two or three unmet expectations and hopes have far more weight than a hundred loving, caring experiences and positive personal qualities? how long does this imaginary scale have to be "down" before the relationship breaks?"
I have been taught that for every "dashed" hope or "Hurt"... it takes at least "10 positive interactions" of equal value to "restore" the person to what they were before the dashed hope. I would say that "15" is probably a better number than 10 if I person wants to be mathematical correct about it. In otherwords... if you say a "bad or mean" word to someone... it takes at least 10 (minimum) encouraging words to make up for the one "hurtful" word.
It is hard work to "undo" the pain that has been caused even by just "carelessness" and "inattention". Its almost as if it takes 30 seconds to cut someone with a knife or blade... and 30 days or more to restore and heal the body.
The carelessness of "rejection" inadvertantly... would need at least 10 "attentions" of the same measure to restore the person to a place of not "assuming" rejection upon the next encounter. I don't know how a person can "restore" something like "sex-or masturbation with someone or something else" in a marriage. It is humiliating and degrading to find that ones spouse is more attracted to another person or thing than they are to you ~ that they would prefer to be intimate with someone else, even a tv or video than with you. It hurts to the core of one's being. How can a person restore trust "lost" in that kind of situation? As hard as a person tries and as forgiving as a person may be, it is an emotional cut that changes the way we see life. There is now a "lens" that we see thru that we did not see thru before. To remove the lens, we'd have to remove the experience. It changes the way we see a person, life and even the things in our future.
The one who is humiliated and degraded is asked to "forgive"... but the emotional pain of rejection and abandonment becomes a fear to trust again. So they forgive.. but trust is not there as it was before. Can a person regain trust for someone who has emotionally cut them at the core? The scar and the new "protection" mechanisms remain ~ ever a reminder.
Since I have found it hard to heal from that kind of degrading in my own marriage, I don't know what it would take. I would love to hear suggestions. I am currently learning the reasons for the behaviors of my spouse, that is helpful in some ways as I can have more empathy for the issues that conciously he may not even beware of in his own person. I think if he were more communicative and less "to himself".. I could trust him more. But he finds pleasure with others... and I share a rare word or laugh with him these days.
The most attractive and healing thing in the world is paying attention to someone. Taking time to "be with them" to talk with them... to show them that you are interested in them. How many hours were spent with someone else or something else... multiply that by at least 10.. and it is a beginnning for healing and restoration... but the emotional scars... they go deeper. Because I am so wounded, each time he speaks with someone else, each time he laughs with someone else, each time I feel left out, while others are included in his world.. the pain in my heart that was just a small cut gets amplified as though the wound is being pinched and pulled and ripped again and again.
Emotional wounds.. though we can't seem them... they cut straight to the heart of our being. They are very tender and sensitive to everything going on around them. They try to "make sense" of things that don't make sense. They try to protect us from the pain coming again. The protection become walls between us... and the marriage is lucky if it doesn't suffocate within the walls of bricks that have been piled between us and around us to protect us from any more rejection and abandonment and pain.
I have found that the emotional abuse in my life is much more detrimental and hurtful than the physical abuse. The unintentional rejection is no less hurtful than the intentional, because usually we don't know whether things were intentional or not. They just hurt. Circumstances can change.... the physical circumstances and pain go away much more quickly than the emotional pain and the warning signals that start to declare "beware" "watch out".
Sexual abuse has to be the worst kind of pain as it is both physical and emotional to the core of a person's being. Marriage that has undercurrents and unspoken expectations and bad communication almost becomes a form of emotional and sexual abuse in form... in that we pretend to be "vulnerable"... behind our walls... but in truth are holding back. In the holding back.. the rejection becomes more "real" and "clear"... and having given our selves in the most intimate of ways... the pain is multiplied a thousand fold.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words (spoken and unspoken) can break my heart.
I have been told that men struggle to find words as women do. I have heard that there is actually a difference in the way that male and female brains are formed that allow women to find emotional words more easily then men.. something to do with the hormonal makeup differences between men and women. For my husband, I am beginning to think this is true. But as a woman, it doesn't change the "hurt" that is there because of his lack of communication with me. He emails other woman.. and they laugh in their emails. He emails me.. and I am lucky to get a "hi" and a "love"... He has nothing to say to me... yet give him a phone with his childhood friend or even a friends wife... and they laugh and laugh. We don't have that. Its very lonely for me. I dream of laughing with someone who wants to "be with me".. who "pays attention to me"... who shows me that they are attracted to me because they "talk with me" and "want to hear me" and "they want to communicate" to me as well. My husband is so represented by the movie Three Days I spoke of in the previous email.
My desire is just to share so that we can all grow. I think your website is "fantastic"! Thank you. Again... and again.. and again.... <smile> I see myself and my husband written all over the pages here and there in this little thing and that. I am learning a great deal.
broken child
Thank you for creating this website. Its truly an eye opener. Its nice to know that I’m not alone.
I didn’t want to get up this morning, I just wanted to stay in bed. I don’t want to feel anymore pain even though I know that its good to feel this pain. I know that it will make me stronger.
We still love each other very much, my husband and I, but we can’t seem to make it work.
We’ve been married for 4 1/2 years and its now coming to an end. Its a mutual decision, which makes things easier, but it still hurts. It hurts so much. Tears can’t stop rolling down my face and yet I know that we have to do this. To love is to let go. We both deserve happiness.
How can two people who love each other so much be separated? Why isn’t love enough? Are we so afraid to confront the issues in our marriage that we keep what’s troubling us within ourselves until its too late? Why can’t we talk out our problems?
If I had to do it all over again, I would have loved him more. I would not have taken him for granted. I would have made sure that we made time to spend with each other. I would have insisted that we eat dinner without watching TV. I would have insisted that we spend a day of quality time each week (watching TV together does not count as quality time). I would have insisted that we go on vacations alone. I would have insisted that we tell each other everything and I mean everything.
We almost never fight, probably a couple of times in our whole marriage. We instead choose to keep everything inward, shelving all our disappointments and pain.
It is now too late. We can’t seem to move forward. We both want children and yet our marriage still needs a lot of work. So much work that we don’t even know where to begin. I’m 30 and he’s 34. We can’t wait any longer, our biological clocks are ticking and its not getting any better.
I do believe that my husband is one in a million. He’s trustworthy, caring and the most loving man I’ve ever met in my life. He doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke, and very faithful to me. He’s very funny, he makes me laugh all the time. I will miss him so very much.
This could have been my story. I am a recent college graduate, teaching high school. My (soon to be ex) wife and I met when we were 20 and 19. We dated for a while and broke up, but she stayed with me in my heart for the three years we spent apart.
three years ago (...) we married. She had a child from a previous relationship and she was carrying mine. We married for love, though. We defied everyone’s thoughts that it was too soon and we were too young. We married, and things began to fall apart after her second trimester. she decided that she didn’t want sex, and I agreed. When she delivered, things got better. Our second daughter was healthy and we were happy.
now, (...), after some painful times and some really happy times, she left me. In the space between dec 7 and dec 27, she decided she wanted to separate and then progressed to wanting a divorce. I was too controlling, she said, and she wanted to be free. She no longer loved me. she no longer wanted to try. (...) when I picked up my daughter to take her to my mother’s for daycare, she told me to let her go, because she had already let me go.
I was crushed. of course we discussed, fought and bitched til i told her that if she would not agree to therapy, then I would fight the divorce every step of the way, and i would try to get custody of our oldest daughter (i have primary custody of our youngest, and she has custody of the oldest).
now we are going to see a therapist. she wants some cool-down time so when we see him, she is not aggravated and irritated at me. she says she holds little hope that i will change, but i am willing to in the hopes that she will be able to take me back when she believes that i will change for the long haul. too many times, we have both agreed to change and slipped back to the same old stuff we used to do.
i don’t want to lose her, and i put faith in G-d that we won’t. To hear her tell me every day that she doesn’t want to believe me anymore kills me inside.
I love her. is that a surprise? i always figured we’d be the ones who made it. it seemed like fate, destiny, the G-d had us together for a reason. i hope that is true, because we really need divine intervention in order to make this work. I want to, but she has to be willing to accept that desire and real change, and i think she is no longer willing to.
why does marriage have to be like this? I never wanted her to go, love her so madly that every night i don’t sleep, barely eat, and cannot quit thinking about her.
i pray that i do not lose her, but right now things do not look so peachy.
peace,
gabriel
I really enjoyed your website. Everything thats on there, I’m going throught right now. I have never ever been this depressed in my entire life!
Larry.
Thank you for your information on courting, marriage, and divorce. I’m old enough to be married and am beginning to worry about having the right kind of relationship so I can avoid divorce. I have one question- when did you write this information?
Thanks for your time.
Debi
this site was initially writtten during 1995 and 1996. – Ed.
Simply well put. I just came out of a 18 year marriage, we have 5 children. She left me to fulfill her life’s ambitions, whatever the hell that is. She got the children and it has been full of accusations of everything so that she can justify it through the wonderful f’d up church she goes too.
It has taken me 2 years to go on,
Thanks for the article.
Darryl
I didn't give up;
I gave in...
to the silence
and the tension.
Gave way to the loss for affection and love.
Gave it up to go on.
I am a strong woman
a mother
a nurturer...
a lover...
ask me to live
without love, companionship, affection and attention,
there is no other way for me to survive,
but to leave here
and never turn back...
off to get the love, companionship, affection and attention
I deserve and desire.
Sad and lonely
but still alive and trying to thrive.
I’ve seen marriage from many sides at this point in my life. I am a product of divorced parents. They were the “got pregnant before finishing high school, so had to get married” couple. I remember being relieved (at 8 years old) when they sat me and my 2 brothers down to tell us they were divorcing. My mother, my brothers and I ran to the other side of the U.S. to get away from my father’s destructive nature.
After that, my mother sowed her wild oats, never had a decent relationship and is a very unhappy man-hater. I never wanted any of that for myself, so I married a well educated, sensitive, soft spoken man from an intact family. He was so responsible, handsome, safe, intelligent, good for me? He had to be the one, right? We were going to be married forever, have babies, a home, yearly vacations. Great idea!
Yeah, there were problems. He spent tons of time with his brother and thought nothing of blowing me off. If I did anything away from him, it must have something to do with another man. Well, you’ve heard these pitiful stories before, I’m sure.
Suffice it to say, I changed myself into someone so completely different that old friends asked me what I thought I was doing. I’d put my distorted personality so far out of my mind, I couldn’t see it until these friends chose to speak. I then realized what I had done… I’d tried to be what my husband wanted so he wouldn’t act like he hated me so much. I couldn’t lie to myself anymore and became “me” again. Of course, this made it worse and he didn’t even bother to disguise his hatred in front of our friends. Boy, were they shocked!!
I stayed in this marriage for 5 years knowing that it was over the first year. I had to do everything I could to try and fix it. It turned out badly… I left with only my clothes, NONE of the money, and even signed my IRA back over to him. I wanted out, the end!
He loathes me to this day. I still cried for the loss of my dream and the loss of all that time I felt I wasted. Life went on and I discovered that those 5 years of hell were NOT a total loss.
I’ve been married now for 8 years and have an insanely, wonderful relationship with the man I was meant to be with and a perfect and beautiful 5 year old daughter. My past experiences taught me to trust my instincts, never let someone be my voice and to maintain honesty and respect. My husband and I know those horrible little buttons to devastate each other and we NEVER use them.
As the years have gone on, we have had our troubles, but our honesty and respect for each other have paved the way for MORE trust and deeper love. We are individuals who can stand alone, if we want to, but we CHOOSE to be together. We are friends and give a lot of time and attention to this friendship.
After that, most things fall into place. No, it’s not one, big lovefest at our house. We are grounded, realistic and have a firm grasp on the humor in most situations. Yes, we have our disagreements, but we can always laugh at ourselves.
I firmly believe that in order to be comfortable, close and loving to your partner, you have to have permission from each other to laugh. I see many couples, especially the very, educated professionals, kill their relationships with their seriousness. They don’t have any joy or any fun with each other. Laughter is a kind of honesty in itself and it’s a needed release.
Well, I’ve gone on and on, so I’ll just close with this, please don’t give up, don’t “settle”, don’t wallow in bitterness and look to the future you can make for yourself after living through those painful lessons. Believe it or not, you are more, not less no matter who left who. Thanks for bearing with me and good luck!
It is never too late to be what you might have been.
-George
I am single 29 and have never been married before. I was engaged but I gave the ring back after three days. I felt that I was being pressured to have sex after four months by the ring. The relationship ended eleven months later. It hurt a lot. He said I was not ready for a relationship, that after one month I should be sleeping over and eventually have sex with him. He told me that he is joining the Navy. I could not eat nor sleep well. It’s been one month now since I last spoke to him. One month since the break up. I am eating normally now, but still working on the sleep.
I cannot fathom how much pain a divorce is. Nor can I imagine what love is. What I do know is that being held forever would be wonderful. It would be nice to have someone’s hand to hold in my old age. In reality this is just not possible. Love is what happens to other people. So is marriage. I don’t know what to do with my life. My plans for the last few months were made with him in mind and now that he is gone I do not know what to do. I am researching what it would take to get a master’s degree and I am working out and making sure I spend more time with my family and calling up old friends. And while my life is not entirely pitiful it is not as great as others. Love and marriage is not in my future. I pray for strength to endure being alone.
I must have asked myself a hundred times a day the question WHY?
It was a beautiul start to what I thought would be a lifelong relationship. We were both “mid-aged”, been married before, had children with former spouses. We loved the same things, and laughed much. We promised a lifelong love. I believed it all. I gave it my all. But, it was not enough, I was not good enough--and nothing I did was good enough, and bit my bit I was broken down and taken over by a man who hungered for power over me. Deep scars are all that remains. Why the change in him? Why did I allow it for as long as I did, I do not know.
I only know that I still cry in mourning over the loss of a hope, of a promise, of a love. I will survive, that I do know. But, it is not easy. Rebuilding a life is a struggle. Being alone is hell. But being with him would have been worse than death. I know that for sure. It is the only thing I know for sure.
Peggy loves Peggy more than she loved Tom…finally.
I think you should say what you mean, and mean what you say. You have a long list of positives in your relationship with your X wife. If that list is actually true, you already have unconditional love. I think a lot of relationships are based on conditional love , but are they any fun? If you are not having fun with that special someone, then all those conditions are useless.
PS. - All that daily garbage that causes so much stress in all relationships, will not mean a thing when all is said and done. If you have doubts, that is normal. If the doubts are ruining your life, that is not normal.
I have no idea why a web sites like these exist. I have read several of the LUV descriptions , and I think it is very sad that people play such stupid games. There is no way any of this can be true. I also feel that these people are making light of some very serious issues. I too know of similar pain, but not of my own.
My husband is a very thoughtful person who will go out of his way for anyone. So I would never say anything bad about him. He has a wonderful supportive family - mostly his sisters. One is so very kind I almost think she is like my husband, but not quite as good - as he is the best. He never raises his voice to our sons, and he makes sure that they always brush there teeth - so they will not be “yellow” (his words).
Back to his sister - well , she is a genius. Unfortunately, as smart as she is, she has been through the mill with men. She has invested enough money in hubby hunting, buying cloths for them and etc… It is sad that she feels this need to constantly give give, and get nothing in return. She has now, thank the Lord, has married a good man. Fortunately he doesn’t require financial support, as all her other lovers have in the past. I only wish her the best in life - and I thank G-d for my very supportive in-laws for I can not imagine what my marriage would have been like with out all their kindness and good advice.
I think that I would like to thank all of you for your stories.
I have never been married, but I had decided on the woman that I knew was going to marry me. We were together for 3 years. In that time, we had dealt with infidelity...on both sides. Job loss...mine. I was in a big company and moving rapidly when I slipped into depression. I was a classic case of depression caused my problems, instead of my problems caused my depression. I had twice gambled on new careers while in this depression and failed miserably both times. I went through bankruptcy during this. I became a lot like the creator of this site. I knew I was failing to provide and find adequate employment for the woman I loved. Withdrew and couldn't express the sense of failure I was feeling. Things weren’t going well for a whole year and half.
Finally, I decided to get help and go on medication for my depression. I found employment after 5 days on the medicine. I was opening up. Then she decided that she should leave me after I had been on the medication only a month. She was supposed to "open me up for someone else", is how she put it. Taking the martyr for me stance. I mean I knew things were wrong, but she had stuck by me for 1.5 years and now when I am getting help and getting better she is gone.
I am writing this 3 months after the break-up and I am thankful for this site. I have been looking through this "filter" regarding relationships and to read everyone else's story i helpful. I have a steady job and I am about to be attending college. I feel that she bailed on me right when I was turning things around. Is that we all have ADD toward relationships? What is 1.5 years in a lifetime of marriage? Its probably a good thing she bailed. It has taught me that when I do get married, I have to be more alert. And to remember the person I chose I chose for a reason and that even 3 bad years is small compared to 35 years of a good marriage.
Justin
Two points.
Women should raise children, this is what they have evolved to do. They should stay at home at least until a child is in school. Should they work and leave children with strangers so the family can have three cars? Of course not you would answer. Then why has this happened?…
Point two. Women have been duped into thinking there lives will be complete, that they will be free if they become educated and develop careers. When they have their careers and freedom they discover they are not complete, they have been duped. Duped by feminist many of whom are lesbians. Two out of three marriages in this country fail. Forty year old women visit psychotherapists routinely. Children have no parents at home to take care of them. The facts dont lie. We have tempted our fates our destinies by becoming something we are not. Word of advice, forget the third car, buy a smaller house stay at home and raise your children to be successful adults, throw away the credit cards and most importantly listen to you insticts not some Berkeley dikes.
Mike
I just got through the worst divorce emotionally. Your description of the Leaver is dead on. He had planned this for 2 years. And we don’t talk. His new accoutremount is 20 yrs. younger and he has changed so totally it is like the Exorcist. She has tried in so many way to eradicate me from the planet literally you could not believe. And this was done, just after my father had passed away. As you say, I don’t know how to even go about thinking about marriage again. What is going on with people?
Your observations are accurate. Pain is pain. I think I’ve almost succeeded in pulling that knife out of my back completely.
Peace.
Mary
Hi guy, My heart goes out to you. Pain is part of life. It is a good thing in general because it tells us what to avoid - like don’t put your hand on a hot stove. Why don’t you try courting her again as if you’ve never met. Only this time be more aware of her concerns like instead of spending time to make a lot of money - spend time with her. You can’t buy great happiness with money. I can’t imagine someone on their deathbed saying I wish I spent more time at the office. It might be a long hard row but if she is as great as you say, is she worth it?
There is a well know psychologist who has no patience with pity parties. They get you no where. They are just something to go through - like the flu - and get over it.
Another view is for what it is worth at your stage - life is short and nothing lasts for ever. Be grateful that you had the time you had. As you might guess - only someone who has one through pain like that as I have can understand someone else’s pain.
I admire your courage for sharing with the world. Maybe it will help others. Good luck.
Paul
I just got done reading “The aftermath”, who ever wrote that I am sorry that you are or were in so much pain. I just got divorced last November and I was the “Leaver”.
I did NOT leave because I had something better waiting for me. I left because there was no intimacy in the marriage. My husband did not say “I love you”, he did not sleep in the same bed as me, and I was not touched for three years. Three years of my marriage without a touch, a kiss, or even him stroking my hair.
I know that my story is a little different. I could not take it anymore, how can you be married without ANY intimacy. Yes, I am sure you are thinking to your self did he go to the doctor and the answer is “yes”. Nothing was wrong with him he was fine. I even talked to his Mother about it. There were other things that were wrong in the marriage he drank too much and he lied all of the time. On the other hand I turned into a total bitch and I was always nagging him. Both of us would put the other one down and we were always yelling at one and other. The biggest reason I left was the intimacy; I did not want to go the rest of my life without you know what.
Talk about having low self esteem after the marriage ended. I could write you a book on that titled “My X-Husband Would Not Touch Me”. Just to let you know it killed me to walk away from my marriage. My x-husband and I had talked about how unhappy we were. We went to marriage counseling with my pastor and even to a marriage retreat. I knew when I left that he did not love me. He told me he did not love me, but he did not want a divorce.
I ended up in the emergency room on Christmas with an ulcer (I have never been so sick). When I left the house for the last time I can still see the expression on his face. But, he never asked me to stay not once.
I now have a group of friends and all of us are divorced and each one has a very different story with the same out come. I am 27 and in my group the ages range from 25 to 34. We are all divorced and trying to fit into the (how did you say it) “Married Society”. When you are single you cannot do certain things anymore like: dinner, movies, going to the park, going to plays and concerts. Instead, single people hang out at the local bars and rent a lot of movies.
I have been on a couple of dates since the divorce. I have to say that dating is the cruelest form of punishment. The worst is the blind date when one of your friends says, “I think you will love him”. When he arrives you wonder if your friend has ever paid attention to your taste in men. I am sure that I will continue to date but you are right the older we get the pickier we get. I am and always have been a very independent person and I speak my mind.
I have no idea how old this web page is but I did enjoy reading it. I hope that everything is going great for you. Take care!!
Amy
I am currently in my second marriage. To be honest, I do not think that this one is going to work either. The majority of men that I affiliate with are too weak. They are not strong enough or perhaps, I am too strong.
In my first marriage, it was my fault. As much I hate admitting it, It was. I married at the age of 19. I was still a baby and I thought that I was a woman because we had conceived a child. We were married for 5 years. I rushed into the second marriage because I was afraid of being lonely. It was someone who I thought that I knew, despite all of the horror stories that I heard about him and they are all so true. He is doing to me, what I did to my first husband. It is true that you do reap what you sow. It is also true that what goes around does come around. The grass is not always greener on the other side.
Both of my husbands were not stable financially, had attitude issues, could not keep a job longer than 3 months, were violent and have temper problems.
Lack of communication, will power, self esteem, jealousy, insecurities, lies and deceit are the number one reasons for divorce. “In my Opinion”
Too many pastors are marrying couples without rendering, offering, suggesting or providing spiritual counseling and guidance to make it through the storms.
Thanks for allowing me to express my views, and feelings regarding this debated topic,
Continued Blessings
Venom
        |
| related items... |