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This site has been absolutely cathartic. It has been much more helpful than the $80/hour I pay my therapist to tell me why my marriage was one of the 50% that crashed and burned.
I got married when I was 23 - young? Not really. I came from a third world country with enough drive and ambition to choke a horse. I was on the fast track scholastically and then professionally. Along the way I dated A LOT of men along the way.
I met my man when I was 20. We married when I was 23, he was 9 years my senior. My love for him bordered on obsession. I adored him, lavished him with everything I could give: physically, financially, emotionally and mentally. My candle for him was burning out of control. But what did your mother always tell you … love is a two way street.
When the haze began to dissipate I began to see that his love was conditional, I wasn't his world, there were limits to his passion and devotion for me. Rationing his affections, continually justifying his cheapness, his lack of support around the house, the absence of physically intimacy, he was the epitome of selfishness and a victim of his own “intellect”. My fever for him quickly turned to rage.
Ladies and gentlemen let me impart my limited experience unto you. Don't think that if you love someone enough that they will change or that your love will be enough to sustain a marriage. Marriage is effort, compromise, dedication and perseverance. If someone is lacking any of these qualities you will soon be confronted by the marriage fairy handing you a crash and burn certificate.
Been there, done that.
Natasha
I am 25 and have been married for almost 4 years. I read the letter by anonymous who is engaged and has questions and fear rises. My husband and I dated for about 1 year before we were engaged. For much of that time, we had been apart and I was not faithful for some of that time (which he knew). The family pressure was great, my parents adored him, I thought he was kind and sweet. (which he is) but that is not reason enough to marry. As soon as I became engaged, I was struck by doubt. Over the past four years, I shift between accepting and misery. In the last summer, my husband took many trips on which I could not join him. I came to the sad realization that I was indifferent to him being here or there.
I have tried to discuss my feelings with him, but he does not feel the same way. He is still very much in love with me and the fact that I can see no reason why I shouldn't love him makes it all the harder. I do want to try and save this, but don't know if it can be.
It is reassuring yet sad to read of so many other peoples stories. I sense I will be reading this site often in the next few months.
Hello All,
I read your stories and was touched, but I was also annoyed! I can give you very simple advice. Before you marry someone, ask yourself if this person will add to your life. If you feel that you are not ready to settle down with someone then don't. Pursue your dreams and then when you have a stable life, then get married. Understand?
Also, when you pick someone to marry, don't go for someone who matches the TV role model. For Men and Women, don't go for the soap opera type person. Looks are important, yes, but if that is all that is there then just have sex and forget marriage. Understand?
Here is a simple checklist for a potential mate. Look for someone who is intelligent, sincere, caring, hard working, cheerful, and responsible. In addition, look for someone who is happy and close with their family (including women who like their father and men who like their mother). Men, don't go for a women with fake breasts, or who look like strippers. Be a Man and think about your future! For Women, don't go for guys who are cocky yet are not accomplished. Also, don't go for guys too much into their bodies. Ask yourself, is this guy responsible enough to take care our children? Marry Men not boys!
Hope you all take my advice.
Take care.
Marco
I have just recently stumbled across your site and find your writings to be quite profound.
I too have felt that “oneness” since my divorce more than four years ago. I have drifted aimlessly since then emotionally. To me, it feels as though part of my soul was hewn away and I quite often feel it will never grow back.
I do not miss my ex-wife, for she treacherously betrayed me with infidelity and then pregnancy by her adulterous cohort. Perhaps I sound bitter about that, but we had shared eight years together (married the last three)and in our darkest times I never considered straying. I can still remember her saying she hoped we could stay in touch as friends. Ouch.
I guess what I really feel missing is having that someone to share life with. Not the person herself. I am blessed with exceptional friends and family, yet am isolated. The union allows you to confide fears, joys, dreams, pain, etc. The burdons at least I feel are the true reason for this constant feeling of inadequacy or being on the outside looking in. Perhaps I did not deal with the severing properly, but every person is different and has their own means for carrying on.
I am one who didn't jump into the fray of rebound dating, and feel it was perhaps a mistake. Perhaps not, who is really to say? I have recently come to realize how strong my subconscious defense mechanisms are, for in this past year on reflecting on my situation, I have very effectively shielded myself from experiencing anything like that severance again. Thus the perplexing juxtaposition, the rock and the hard place. The overwhelming desire to love and share battering itself against the fear of losing a part of ones self again, like a storm surge against huge cliffs. I sometimes feel I'm trapped on a small rock at the bottom of those cliffs.
I think I have a fundamental reason why divorce can happen:
Sooner or later EVERYONE lets you down.
We put such high expectations that no one can live up to them all, all of the time. Therefore we become disappointed. That then becomes the problem. I find when I expect to be let down, It doesn't bother me as much, therefore I am better equipped to deal with it Just a thought, not that it makes a lot of sense.
As I sit here and read all of these reader responses, I have to say that more than ever I realize how difficult divorce is for everyone involved, no matter what the reason.
I am today on the verge of divorce after 2 1/2 years of marriage. 6 months ago I sat in front of a counselor with my husband and said. “When we got married that was it for me; I could never be with anyone else.” But today, when I look at my left hand there is a noticeable emptiness on my 4th digit. My rings now lie in the little gold box that they came in, the one engraved “To my wife to be, will you marry me?”
This is not where I imagined my life would be at the age of 24 and a year and a half away from my long awaited dream of completing medical school. My husband and I dated for 2 years before we were married and went through some strenuous pre-marital counseling. This has not been an easy decision for me, nor will I ever be entirely sure that it is the right one. I have always believed that G-d joins two people together, and no matter what the circumstances, they should stay together. I believe that the Bible teaches that divorce is wrong, and never G-d’s intention for a marriage; however, after years of lies, promises that it would never happen again, counseling, and more lies I decided that I just couldn't go on. My husband feels that the issue is more complicated than simple trust. I, however, feel that the foundation of any relationship, and especially marriage is trust, and without that nothing else can be accomplished. I often wonder if I should give him just one more chance, but I don't think I could trust enough to even do that. Sometimes I think it would be better just to “do the best we can with what we have,” but then I think that that isn't really fair to anyone involved.
Perhaps this generation is too quick to “call it quits.” However, anyone who has done so is quickly faced with the reality that it is never easier to take that route! I am scared of being alone; I know that I will survive, but it gets old eating alone, trying to fit in with all of your married friends weekend plans as a solo. It scares me to think about being thrown back into the dating world. It scares me that when my car breaks down, I no longer have someone to count on. It scares me to come home to an empty apartment at night. It scares me that some day, I may come across a wedding photo and feel no emotion. It scares me that I may not be following G-d’s best for my life. But more than anything else, it leaves an indescribable emptiness to think about the fact that the person with whom I have shared my most intimate secrets, shared the most hidden parts of my personality, shared my very life, will forever be gone from it.
Divorce is not easy and anyone who thinks it is is sadly mistaken. It is not something to be taken lightly and I don't think most people do so. However, it is a reality that even the most unsuspecting must sometimes face.
I was cynical at first…a lot of your ideas are one-sided. I've worked all my life to be where I am now, and if I got divorced right now I would be completely independent as I was before I met him. I don't need his money (I certainly didn't marry him for any because he never had any). I'm frankly sick of trying to rekindle what made our relationship special to both of us. We've been married for 2 1/2 years and that battle has been uphill since the day after we were married. I tell my self I should have never come out of the dressing room. But that wouldn't have been me….I’m willing to try anything…including marriage….. once. So if the eventuality of all this is we do get divorced, because we've fallen out of love with each other, spiritually emotionally and physically, I feel I am the wiser because of it all.
In some ways, I believe that I did get married for all the wrong reasons, and its become painfully obvious that I don't have reasons to be married except for your one phrase…..unconditional love, ….for better or worse. But, there is a child involved now…..I child I'd hoped would rejuvenate our commitment to life and to each other. but I don't see that happening, and I don't want to put him in the middle of it.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I appreciate your web site, because it gave me a different perspective. Maybe your ideas will give me the strength and patience to stick through it all. thanks
You ask what I think…I think it hits too close to home. I am currently on the edge of separation. I haven't brought it up to my husband yet and don't really know how to. I express my feelings consistently and thoroughly and he chooses to ignore them. He knows I have been unhappy but does nothing about it.
I hope that you have been able to find happiness eventually. I hope I will be able to as well.
Good luck,
Tricia
Jeez, Man. Your story is so absolutely identical to my own, that I would have sworn that I had written it. I too became frustrated at my perceived inability to make the life that I though my wife deserved. I never, ever thought that I would lose her. I though that I was set for life, and I always felt that marrying my wife was, if nothing else, the one thing that I did right. I wanted so bad to become even closer, but I suppose I communicated in way that had the reverse effect.
I worked so hard to try and give her everything I though she deserved, when all she really wanted was love and attention. I guess I knew that all along, but just assumed shed hang in there until I reached my goal of attaining us the perfect life.
After 8 years, I lost her.
As an older, hopefully wiser Gen X’er. Would I do it all over again ? No. I would not. Because I know myself well enough to know that I cannot change. Once you become so comfortable with a person, you'll always drift back to who you really are. I hope any young people reading this take some of these stories to heart. The feelings you experience when you first fall in love and overwhelming and magical, but the pain you feel when its over will run so deeply into your soul that you will feel physically empty inside. I imagine that pain will never go away in my case.
do you wake up in the morning and feel that a part of you has died, has just got up and went and you had no say or control over this....
do you even after 10 years yearn for that part of you that is missing....
do you even after 10 years still need him by your side.....
is there just one great love in life....for me yes....
I came upon this web site when searching in yahoo, for a psychology paper. I started to read some of the true stories and couldn't stop.
I am going to be 20 in nine days and have been engaged for 5 months now. I met him in college a little over a year ago and we have been inseparable since then. He is my first real relationship and I feel we are on the right track. Of course we have hit many bumpy times along the way, but I more grateful then ever to see that we have great communication between us.
Reading these stories communication was the biggest factor in a healthy relationship. I would like to say thank you to all those who have sent in their personal stories, your thoughts and suggestions have been a wonderful learning experience. I will always remember your words. Wish me luck.
I came across this page the exact day after a tough break up. I have read all of your stories and I have many mixed emotions and I am only twenty years old. Sure I think that most people would consider my age to be a downfall, lack of experience, lack of intuition or that all my relationships have been a type of "puppy love" phenomenon.
Realistically everyone who enters their whole self into anything has a right to be considered. I am happy that at the age of twenty in my third year of university that I am educating myself on the fundamentals of relationships. Perhaps that is the millions dollar question, when does the preparation begin? Maybe the older more experienced members of our society are ignoring the younger allowing them to fend for themselves. I think that people at my age are greatly influential and most definitely 99.9% of influence comes from our environment, the 0.1%, we'll chalk that up to genetics.
It just seems that we are all in the same cycle, everyone has a story, a heartbreak, maybe the downfall of relationships is that we are too involved with ourselves. Primary skills need to be taught at the youngest level, how to love, empathize share, etc. etc. But I think we need to teach the younger people to perfect or at least practice the important most important attribute ( in my opinion): the ability to listen. Our society as a whole is VERY quick to judge and discriminate. Ironically I think that we do this in our most intimate relationships. I think that children are taught stories, I will quote them the "Disney Movie children", because they all grow up with this ideology that someone will rescue them and no matter what evil lewd person enters their life, they will always live happily ever after. Oddly enough we do not realize that we had been misinformed until our marriages fail, and then we take this on as a personal failure, "I could not live this perfect life, I must be dysfunctional?!" It is almost like discovering that there is no longer a Santa Claus or Tooth Fairy.
I am planning on teaching elementary in the very near future and as best as I can I am going to try and instill these attributes into all the young people that enter my life. Marriage therapists are a band aid that helps after the wound has occurred, I think that all of us that have been through these awful, gut wrenching experiences should concentrate on informing the younger of the implications. Maybe not everyone should be allowed to marry until they pass a test! Can you imagine the outbreak that this would cause!
I am young, yes, but if relationships have taught me anything that have reminded me of the great importance of trust. I feel that I have been mislead as a "Disney Movie Child" and maybe that is the hardest thing to get over, but the best thing to realize, I did not fail, I was just misinformed. I promise myself that the major key in all my future relationships will be first and foremost HONESTY. I don't see how a relationship can go wrong with that. This is not in any way an easy thing to do, being honest all the time is a lot of work, not to mention it puts a person into a vulnerable position. But what other choice do we have?
Given all the factors some marriages just cannot work out for whatever reason, but a least if the first priority of the couple is to be brutally honest with each other, even if it doesn't work out at least both parties will have this discovered before it gets ugly.
I hope to read back to this sight and add in many new experiences. None of us ever really fail, I think that we were just misinformed or were reaching for an unrealistic goal, but then again those factors are for a person to discover for themselves. I think at whatever age we need to work on listening skills, honesty and trust. The younger the age the more successful that person will be in relationships, because they will realize that it wasn't them rather a lack of information lack of whatever? Good luck to you all.
I am going through a real tough break-up right now. Lost 12 lbs. in 5 days. No interest in talking with anyone. Although I am seeing a therapist. I emotionally hurting… hoping that maybe this all a bad dream!
We meet 12/99. On a blind date. Things really took off that night. Agreed to keep seeing one another. Spent most of my nights of his house and we decided it was best to move my clothes over. In 2/00 He bought an engagement ring. He bought a condo in March and we moved in together! Spent 2 weeks painting and adding some nice touches to the place. Everyone says that its hard getting settle in a new place with you significant other anyway. I have a problem with lying. These lies are minor like saying that I didn't buy any candles when later on him found the receipt. So what I'm trying to saying is that I lied when I should have just told him the truth. So, when he caught me in these lies he blew up! To the point of calling me every name in the book. Very hurtful things!
We got engaged in August. I was all excited to get married!!! And then the fights started again. I stepped back and decided to hold off on the marriage! That pissed him off. He thought that I didn't want to marry him! I wanted to marry him, just want his temper to cool off a little! The temper scared me!
So now he kicked me out of the house and I moved back with MOM. YUCK! So now my life is all over the place and I really need him back into my life! I'm not so sure that he wants me out of his life! We still talk to one another! I miss his touch and wish that I could be back into his arms! I need help understanding what I'm doing wrong! And strongly believe that we can get through with this. Except right now there is no contact between the two of us! We have decided to give each other 14 days of space. Its only day one and its killing me! Ahhhhhhhhhh!!! I hurt so bad!!
Sounds like a big load to me. Twelve years ago, around my seventh wedding anniversary, I thought my husband and I had “grown apart.” I thought we had nothing in common to keep us together. I told my troubles to my former boss, who said that he thought that, with a few exceptions (those with abusive spouses, etc) any couple that wants to stay together, can.
Turns out he was right. It took a lot of work from my husband and me, but we have actually come to a point now where we are each other’s best friend and most trusted ally. The trouble is, it takes work … communication, quantity time (“quality time” just doesn't cut it), and realizing that if you don't want to be alone with your fantasy mate, you're going to have to “settle” for a less than perfect one. (Just like your mate has to.)
So, I'm terribly proud to say that your web site does not apply to me.
I must say that I am very touched by your pain. Although I don't agree with every thing you've written, I can relate to much of what you feel.
Although I am not yet divorced, I feel as though it is impending and unavoidable. I have been married 5 1/2 years but we've been inseparable for ten - and I am the Leavee. My husband says that he loves me dearly and that he's no interest in any one else, but he also feels as though “its time to move on.”
I feel rejected, abandoned, and betrayed. I feel as though he gave up on me and our marriage.
I don't think that marriage is outdated. I don't think that marriage is unrealistic in toadies society. I think that our culture teaches us to leave when situations turn for the worse. I think your wife was wrong to quit you just as I feel it is wrong for my husband to quit me.
Marriages will only work when both parties are willing to give it their all. Only when one side no longer cares enough to make it work, does the marriage fail. None of us are perfect in our behavior or our communication.
I am sorry she left you. I feel your pain very deep and fresh in my heart. Everyone tells me it will all work out in the end, that everything will be fine. But how can it be if I end up losing what matters to me most?
At night is the worst for me. I feel so cold and alone. I lay in my bed which seems so big and useless. I can't sleep…
I wish you the best, and I will pray for your broken heart.
I've been separated a year and divorced for 6 months and my ex and I are seeing each other. He left the marriage and went on to another relationship. He says its because the way I was that made him leave. I love this man but feel really hurt when he says things like this. I have been faithful all this time. He has emotionally traumatized me throughout my whole separation and yet even though we are dating again, I know in my heart where I have changed for the better , but its as if he is still putting conditions on me. Like I'm the one that was wrong and he wasn't.
I'm not sure where this will lead to. I hold back and don't rock the boat to upset him for fear of him leaving me again. How insecure is that. Still I do love him and I'm not sure about how he feels about me. I know were both devastated that were DIVORCED.
His parents hate me and want nothing to do with me. He lives with his parents. He has a drinking problem.
I live in suburbia. I'm a decent, attractive, faithful person and hold onto the dream of both us remarrying one day.
Been three a lot.
What if you have an open relationship, no secrets, best friends, told each other everyday that you love each other. Very busy lives indeed, but had the same interests, then one-day 8 weeks ago, your spouse says “I don't want to be married anymore…I need to find out who I am and what I like to do.”
From that moment on, no touching or hugging was allowed. There is no other woman, just him wanting to be alone. Tells me the intimate things he will miss about me, seems like he has a list already made up of what he will miss. Also he has voiced how important it is to stay friends, wants to play cards, eat lunch together in groups of people, wants to still go camping, only there is a catch, I have to stay in my own tent…I’m not allowed to lay next to him, because that would give me hope. When asked why….He says “I don’t want to talk about it!” There is no reason for this that I know of. Any and all arguments along the way, there were always apologies, kisses, and hugs.
Could the pressures of my mother living with us, money being tight, him wanting new toys that we now had to wait for be a big part of this. Could his mother dying 2 years ago and him not dealing with the grief be a part of this. When I asked him when he stopped loving me, that was one of the answers “I think when my mother died”.
The answers are always different. But, after we signed the divorce papers, he says to me in a strong almost loud voice “I STILL CARE ABOUT YOU….A LITTLE, AND I STILL WANT TO TAKE CARE OF YOU AND PROTECT YOU….I DON’T WANT ANYONE TO HURT YOU, I WILL STAND UP FOR YOU AND NOT LET ANYONE HURT YOU….I HAVE THE DEEPEST RESPECT FOR YOU!!! What is this? As you can tell, I'm looking for the why.
I was surfing to scrounge up information on the current state of marriage in the US for a paper I was doing. I found your site. It was the most intelligent, straightforward view I have ever read. I am sorry for your loss. I have never been married (by choice), let alone divorced, so I cannot say you have my empathy, but you certainly have my sympathy.
I was handed a piece of advice from a man who was on his 4th marriage at the age of 32 (my father, 20 years ago), a piece of advice that I have held onto and considered/reconsidered over time: “Wait until you are 30 before you get married. You don’t even know who you are ‘til then…”
Now that I am nearly 30 I understand what he meant. I have changed so many times over in the last 12 years that if I had gotten married, the man would have a different person for a wife every few months. haha I would have surely landed in divorce court. I am happy and comfortable with who I am now, as well as familiar. My value system is intact. I am well grounded and have shown myself that I am committed to whatever I start, no matter what it is. My expectations are somewhat realistic. I feel I am ready for marriage. Now I just have to find someone who is on the same page…
I'm sorry that you can classify women so easily as virgin/whore’s. The pain you feel must be great. I assure you it travels both roads freely. You sound terribly confused about what women really want and who they really are.
First and foremost we are the creators the true poets not only the muse we are the inspired. Yet you are correct in your fear of women leaving to start a club of their own “NO MEN ALLOWED!” haven't you all seen it coming for quite some time now? I assume it was a fear from the beginning, isn't that why it took women so long to get to vote? And now with the sperm banks you have all but tied your own noose.
As far as getting what we really want, we haven't yet begun the feminist movement is barely out of its infancy but stand guard, the old roles you seem to appreciate are falling in around your ears. The child stays with me, the meals will be cooked, the clothes will be washed, the home will be tidy but not for you. I am a warrior. I am not a whore. I was never a virgin. I am a poet and I can please myself better than you with your wining and your whimpering. The only thing men know how to be sensitive to is the rate at which their needs are being met.
The sacrifices are too high to continue in a world where we are Expected to bring home the bacon, care for the house, care for the child, care for our own sexual fulfillment (God knows men haven't figured out how to be gracious in that department). The easiest sacrifice is to lose the gross appendage that calls itself ‘husband’. I can't take how it feeds itself on our completeness then sleeps off the excess, meanwhile we are slowly starving.
Call me a radical, hell you can call me whatever you like but the days of being ignored are over. The definition of our role in marriage and society are not yet defined and we will be the ones with that task. The women of Generation X, the many divorced women of Generation X have had a wake up call. When we unite, under the common goal to dispel all virgin/whore agendas men will be left holding the bag. and then some :-)
I'm not bitter, I'm tired of the definition I have been born into. Webster better get ready because we have yet to define ourselves and we are going to need to expand our language if we are truly going to be able to be accurate.
By the way, if you didn't do your own laundry, well, that by itself is cause enough for divorce.
I am 27 and going through a divorce. We had the Cinderella story. We met by chance and dated for a year. He gave me a huge ring out of the blue before Christmas. We eloped a month later. For six months things were better than I could have dreamed. Then we moved to his hometown. I knew his mom was possessive but I had no clue to what extent. The first time I met her she said “I hope your parents don't mind you moving here. Because my son is not going to leave me again.” I took it as a joke. Big Mistake!
We lived with his parents for three months. She proceeded to destroy our relationship by pointing out my insecurities to my husband. She would actually do this with me standing there. The most unforgivable was that she guilted us into buying property and a home for her to use for her business. This insuring that we would have to stay. I felt so used. I told my husband I didn't want to do it. He didn't listen. Said I was selfish. So I went along with it. I would have done anything to make him happy. So with no credit and broken trust we were stuck.
Everyday I became more insecure about myself. I wasn't allowed to talk about my family, which I am very close to. My mother-in-law would get angry at a story relayed to her. I did the only thing I knew to do. I shaped myself to what they wanted. I became so depressed that I was just going through the motions. I couldn't talk to my husband because I knew he wouldn't stand up for me.
He wants a divorce. I wanted to go to counseling. He said he never really wanted to marry me. He felt pressured by my family and our friends. He wants to be free to go out to strip clubs and stay in town all night. Now I realize I wanted him to be someone who didn't exist. Live and learn I guess. I'm getting strong and standing up for myself for the first time in our marriage. I still love him but know it is not a healthy relationship. I've decided his mom can keep him. I hope to find someone who loves me as much as I love them.
I was grateful to have found your website. I am a 28 years old, and my divorce just became final last month. Since my separation from my (now) ex-husband a year and a half ago, I have been searching for others my age who have gone through this horrible and painful experience.
I can sympathize with everyone’s stories, and I wish them all strength and courage as they continue their journeys.
The decision to divorce was extremely difficult for me. Like many of the people who shared their experiences, I always believed that when you married, it was forever. (In my case, it was only 2 1/2 years.) Not long into my marriage, I became very unhappy. My wonderful, loving, attentive fiance had turned into a distant, workaholic husband who was hardly ever home. Most nights, weekends, and holidays I spent alone while he went off to work (mind you, he wasn't getting paid for this extra time). My many attempts to talk to him about my unhappiness were met with comments like “We don't have any problems-you have the problem-you fix it.” He was resentful that I wasn't supporting him in his career, and I was resentful that I had now become second to his work. To make a long, sad story short, I gave up trying to talk to him, and eventually all communication broke down. We began to live separate lives, and my husband had turned into a more of a roommate than a life partner. But through all this, I was going to stick it out. I became depressed, and resigned myself to this “life” I had chosen for myself. I lost such a huge part of myself trying to stay in this situation.
For those of you who have never gone through divorce, but have written to share your views, I was disheartened when I read that most of you thought divorced men and women have “given up” too easily, and that we don't have the “commitment to work it out.” I would like to address that on a personal level: I know that I did everything I could to try and save my marriage. (I entered counseling, we entered counseling together, we separated, we got back together) The only way I could live with my decision was in knowing that I had done everything that I could possibly do. I came to the conclusion that I would lose everything that made me special (my spirit, my willingness to love, my ability to trust, my happiness) if I stayed in this marriage.
I still care for my ex-husband to this day, but I am starting to realize that maybe we weren't meant to be together for our entire lives. Each day brings a whole variety of feelings. I feel elated and hopeful about my future one day, and the next day I am sad and wondering if I will ever find love again. This is how my life has been for a while now. I wonder if my life will ever be “normal” again. I'm envious of my friends who are happily married and starting families. I wonder what I did to deserve going through such an awful experience, while others seem to have it so easy. I'm very reluctant to start dating, and my opportunities to meet new people are limited, as most of my friends are married or in committed relationships and not in the “scene” anymore.
On a positive note, I feel this experience has made me much stronger and more independent. I'm at the point where I don't mind living alone. I'm grateful that I now have opportunities to do things that weren't possible when I was married (taking trips, etc.)
The loneliness is still there, and the memories of the good times with my ex creep up on me when I least expect it. But I hope that with every day, the loneliness will become a little less, and I will make new memories to outshine the old ones.
And I hope to have better luck next time.
my husband and i have been married for 13yrs, together 15. he had an affair after 10 years of marriage. we worked things out tried to have a baby… didn't work went through fertility didn't work… he began a new job started talking to a female co-worker all the time on his cell & pay phones… then tells me he has feelings for her and wants a divorce.
we got married when we were 20 now 34. is this a mid life crisis? what is wrong with people. i think marriage sux. this is the hardest thing in my life. how can you just turn off feelings? one day you're in love the next you're not? my life is in such termoil. i am sick and tired what did i do wrong in my life to be put through all this? this is how i feel, it seems there is no more long lasting marriages.
thank you,
pb in Indiana
Just had the pleasure of reading your website. There is a lot there I can personally relate to at this moment in my life.
I have been together with my wife for over 15 years, and have two boys. Our relationship has been one with a little adventure moving back and forth from 2 different countries. For me language was the most difficult thing to cope with but something I am constantly learning. Communication seems to have been our biggest problem, letting one know what your true feelings and expectations are. Different languages don't help. I find myself with a women in her country who does not have feelings for me now.
She says she still cares but does not have the feelings a wife should have. The feelings or love is gone. I on the other hand am still madly in love maybe more so than when I first met her. I moved to this country because she wanted to be closer to her family and the economics for us might be better and simply because I put her happiness before my own.
What I am facing now is being alone for the most part, my friends and family live in another country .The hard part is to try and make some sense out of this whole thing. Counseling was of not much help due to the fact she had pretty much made up her mind she was finished with this marriage.
For me there is a tremendous amount of pain and hurt something I could not ever dream existed.My own parents divorced when I was in my teens so I was able to see what transpired and able to remember. The sad part of divorce for me is the children, for divorce is something that no child deserves to go through no matter how well it is handled.
There are so many things you talk about that I have now begun to understand and realize in my life in regard to relationships. Unconditional love, expectations, marriage. The sad part is I am not sure what we are teaching our children. Is it okay to love someone one day and then just throw it out like a disposable diaper when we are finished with it.
It seems that women are less inclined in today's world to fix something they would simply rather throw it away and get another brand that maybe is superior. Men on the other hand are still raised with the idea that when something is broken we are the ones to fix it. Eventually we come to the realization that we cant fix everything.
Maybe men are guilty of creating a world where everything is disposable. Women may not necessarily need men for very much time in their lives in todays modern society but children still need both role models. Parenting is the biggest aspect of marriage that seems to get lost, its not just about us and our needs. If we—the human race—wish to continue than there must be some basic need for each other otherwise we may end up resenting and despising the opposite sex.
My own relationship has been floundering for over 6 months now and the pain and torture have been unbearable to say the least. When one partner is hurt when a divorce takes place for me that is just one too many persons in the world being hurt. If we would all divorce with a happy smile on our faces and move on to the next relationship great but the reality is as humans we are very complicated emotionally and nothing in life is so simple.
If society is headed for a place where marriage contracts are good for a maximum 15 years and then on to the next one then i am afraid we are missing out on some of the more deeper aspects of a loving relationship that can only occur after some years.
I guess at 44 I am the last of the baby boomers if not the beginning of the next generation but I can definitely relate to what you have said and I sympathize with you. I have desperately tried to save my own marriage if not for my sake than for the children, I have grown personally and admitted to past mistakes but to no avail I can only hope that in the future what I have learned will make me a better person.
My relationship with my wife has been peaceful there has been no war just a loss of feelings on her part. Somewhere there is a tragedy in this if not for me than the children are being robbed of growing up in a home where both their mother and father love each other.
I continue to go to counselling for myself for the hurt and the pain is something I must learn to live with. Fear is also something I must cope with and maybe with understanding that is something I can overcome, for it is the unknown we fear.
A lot of what you have written could have came from myself. Two years later and I am still searching for the answers and dealing with the pain. I wonder if I can ever be happy again. Afraid to even try to trust someone again. Does it ever get easier?
Your story is my story, only mine is just beginning.
I will never find a woman like my wife of 9 months. She is perfect for me. We love each other dearly, but she has come to the realization she can't be married to me. We've been together for four years, I'm 26 she is 23. The foundation was set up to be a stable, loving marriage. We even picked out names for our three future children. There were trying times in the three years before we married, but they always passed to good ones.
Well, over the past six months, the trust and respect in our marriage has eroded. She has tried to talk to me about our problems for the longest time, only I didn't realize it. Whenever we had conflict, it was never resolved. She would always leave, never forgetting about.
Divorce has been growing within her as the only solution like a cancer. I didn't even know it. When I realized the gravity of the situation it was far too late. I now go to counseling and rely on my family and friends for support. She is beyond the counseling stage, she wanted to go months ago, but I figured would work out, it always did. She is trying to make this a quick, clean break as fast as possible. I
am told if I truly love something, to let it go. If was right it will come back. That sickens me. I am an emotional wreck. I am only at about day 15 of constant crying and the lack of eating or sleeping stage. I know I won't last 900 days.
Everything I wasn't, she was. I am incapable of being single again. I've invested 100% of my emotions into this relationship and I feel like I am being run over by a train. She has ruined me, especially for other women, this I know. To me there is no one like her. I wake up from bad dreams in the middle of the night, only to learn that reality is worse. Inside I am dead. I don't enjoy anything. I will never recover from this.
I am now 15 years old and in my second year of high school. Two or three days before my first year of high school my parents split up. I was devastated, scared and most of all hurt. You never know when the pain is going to end or even where so much pain is coming from.
My mother was the one that left my dad. He wanted to work things out but she wouldn't said she couldn't. At first I blamed my mom. She was the one that split up the family. Ruining my father, my two sisters and my life. But it didn't.
We all got through it. My dad is happy with his girlfriend and my mom is happy with her boyfriend. My sisters and I are happy to see our parents happy again. I've decided that divorce is in so many ways a horrible thing to go through. One of the absolute most painful things. But it’s also about healing and becoming stronger.
After all, we live once so why not be happy with your life and what’s in it. If you can no longer live with someone, don't. Why should you put yourself through that and why should your partner have to go through it? It's not fair and our only life should be a good life.
Thanks.
whisper
I have read what people have written tonight and know that my story is told little by little in every other story. I don't feel so alone in the reading.
I was married 25 years, 2 boys, 2 girls. My former husband is blessed with many good qualities. He also has a drinking problem. When I had had enough of the lying and being blamed for everything, I asked him to leave. He did. In the two years since then I have been learning about myself. I have taken classes, gone to plays and events by myself, remembered who I am. I really like that part. I have downsized and simplified my life.
I found out that ‘stuff’ doesn't matter to me like it did once. I also feel the sadness of the loss. I thought that would go away after awhile. So far it hasn't.
I had rocking chairs in mind, and retirement together, and sharing grandchildren. I once wrote a letter to myself and started it with, ‘Dear Future’. In it I said goodbye to the future as I had envisioned it with him. That was a turning point in accepting that he will keep on drinking despite losing his family. I suppose that any priority change could be inserted in place of drinking.
What I learned over these last 27 years is that a marriage survives when BOTH partners put their marriage first in their lives. Otherwise, it's not really a marriage. Thanks for listening. I'll keep reading.
i just found your site today, and want to say thank you. It's refreshing to find such brutal honesty about my generation’s failed relationships. i am one of the people asking why.
my story begins with an ending of a 15-year relationship. My husband and i met when we were 18, his last year in high school, my first year of college. i knew from the beginning that he was the one true love of my life, without doubt. we began dating, and continued to do so (with an interim breakup of about a year) through college. we got married when i was 25, and he continued to go to college. we got jobs. we are both artists, and wanted more than anything to live a creative life. work and bills took their toll, i guess. i became less and less interested in sex and passion.
then, two years ago we moved to California, and for the first year i was miserable. then, for whatever reasons, i fell in love with California, with my marriage, with my life. during the past year i have been more creative than ever, and have been trying to become more passionate. i love my job; my husband has a job at a prestigious gallery that has afforded him many opportunities, and for which he is grateful, but the job also takes time away from his creative pursuits, and he dwells endlessly on that fact.
nonetheless, my thoughts this past year have been, “wow, i’m really glad we moved, things are getting so much better for us.” in march, my husband went to europe for business; halfway through his stay (he was there for almost 3 weeks) during one of our phone calls, he tells me that he's been thinking we should separate for a while, he needs to focus on his career, he doesn't want to work for someone else the rest of his life, he wants to forge a real career in music or art.
although we had spoken of separating before, it had been many months, when i was still regretful of moving. truly, the past few months i thought were great. we even had a big party 2 nights before he left for europe, with lots of friends, and he was so affectionate, so much the loving man i married.
we were talking about how much we had accomplished over the last year, and how much better our lives had become. then, when he arrived home from europe, literally five minutes in the door, he tells me that he wants to separate, that his feelings for me had changed.
i didn't think the night could get any worse; then, after endless questioning and crying and harrowing thoughts, he tells me he met someone in vienna, spent four days together, and is totally in love, that he's never felt this way about anyone in his life…that he's sorry, he never thought he was vulnerable…i guess i was wrong; things could get worse. the “soulmate” came to visit him one week after he returned from europe, and has been back a second time just two weeks ago, at which time she stayed with him at our apartment, filling all the spaces where my things used to be with her own things.
this has been my undoing. I'm barely able to function in any semblance of normalcy. he has now filed for divorce, but says he wants to be my friend, and “hang out sometimes”, and says he's still attracted to me, but has found his soulmate. in vienna. in four days.
anyway, i know that was a long rambling rant, but perhaps it will add to the site. thanks again.
I am not yet divorced.
My husband & I have been married for 2 years & have two kids. He is the best man I have ever loved & that has ever loved me. We have been together for 5 years. We were engaged for 2 years. 6 months before the wedding I got pregnant. Now we have an almost 1 year old boy & an almost 2 year old boy. I have had PMS problems since we have been married well pregnancy has contributed to my emotions.
I thought it didn't matter about my mood swings. I thought he had such an unconditional love for me that would last forever. I have recently received help for the pms. But it was soon after that that my husband said he didn't know if he loved me anymore.
Then I find a letter he typed up that said he just can't deal with me anymore but still loves me. That was about two months ago. He says he tried to love me but it just isn't there. I haven't worked in two years. So he is still here until I can start my in home day care & get on my feet.
It is so hard for him to be here. It may be a few months. I just want to move on as soon as possible. It is so hard. We will be separated to see how we really feel. But I feel so hopeless, lonely & scared. We had such a good relationship. He is such a good husband & father. It hurts so bad.
I never thought in a million years this could ever happen. I am so scared that he will just go out & find someone knew so fast. This is the most awful experience of my life. I can't sleep or eat. I cry so much.
But I am being strong for my kids. I know now that I have to make a good future for my self & my kids. I never thought I would be doing this alone. He will pay child support.
But the hopes & dreams for our family are gone. I just can't believe it. I feel I will be alone forever. I have already married & lost my soul mate. He was everything I ever wanted in a husband & a father to my kids.
the typical: he loves her, but she loves [another], and he loves somebody else…
got married at 16 (pregnancy), put my whole self into the marriage for 16 years, he loved me to death and hard as i tried i couldn't love him back.
being in a loveless marriage took it's toll through depression, and i tried to kill my self (hoses and car). met MY true love thru circumstances of the suicide attempt and hospitalizations, he was 19 years old and i was 33. messy, painful, scandalous divorce (ex HATES me, and rightfully so). tried to make this new relationship work, but obviously the odds were against us and he never loved me quite as much as i loved him.
i can safely say i’m obsessed with him. now he is gone and i feel alone and depressed all over and hoping i can make it. i don't like being alone and already making bad choices and feel like shit because of them. what will happen next? i have no idea, but that's my story. enjoyed your website.
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