whY? readers responses, page 7

I'm 28 and have been divorced for a little over three weeks. My marriage lasted a little over a year and a half. My ex-husband and I were together for five years before we got married. I spent those five years making sure that we were doing everything "right" so that people could point to us and say, "That's a healthy, on-track couple."

But that was all I cared about -- what other people thought. I loved and respected my ex-husband, but not the way my family and friends did. They felt close to him, and that was what I wanted -- a man that my family would finally approve of. The way I loved and respected him was different. We were partners, in a working sense. We knew each other inside & out, but we weren't close, per se. I didn't dislike him, but I didn't particularly _like_ him either. We weren't friends, and I knew it all along. But for years I told myself to shut up and go with it -- I had friends, therefore I didn't need my husband to be my friend. Right? Wrong.

I left him six months ago, the divorce was final three weeks ago, and I am depressed. Finding your site was encouraging. It addresses many of the things I'm struggling with. For example -- what do I need a man for in the first place? I do think I want and need one, but I don't know why. I have a wonderful job and enough money. I have wonderful friends who are like a family to me. Without a boyfriend/husband, the only thing missing from my life is sex. Could it be that's all I need a boyfriend for? I don't think the answer is "yes" (thank goodness -- that seems empty), but I haven't yet figured out _why_ I'd ever want to be married again. I'm wondering why _anybody_ bothers getting married.

Granted, I'm very gun-shy right now. I'm doubting & questioning everything. I'm terrified of falling in love again, because what if I get divorced again? What if I simply lack character and can't or won't commit to someone? What if I just don't have enough of a sense of responsibility and devotion to work/fight to save a relationship, and see it through even through the bad or just-plain-blah times?

I grew up getting all sort of conflicting advice from my mother (and, come to think of it, from my father too) about what to expect from men, what I deserved from men, and what kind of woman I should be for men. Women have more choices than ever before, and it's still overwhelming for us. Young people in general have more choices than ever before, and that's overwhelming. It used to be, you couldn't live with someone unless you were married, you simply _didn't_ get divorced -- all of that was frowned upon. Now, people live together for years before getting married, if they get married at all. They have children together before getting married, or without getting married. And all of this is becoming increasingly okay.

I think the permissiveness hurting WAY more than it's helping. It gives everyone an easy way out of serious commitments. It allows people to keep from _making_ serious commitments in the first place.

I'm not blaming society or my parents for my divorce. I screwed up, marrying a perfectly nice young man who I didn't particularly care about, just to please my parents. I did that. I don't ever want to screw up like this again, so I'm trying to heal. I'm in counseling, learning how not to be so damned insecure and codependent, and exploring what love and marriage mean to me -- what I need them for. This is difficult, scary work, but it's necessary.

first off, i'm glad to see there are still sites out here that can help people. thanks… here's my 'bad luck' story, tragic, yet i believe there's a happy future ahead...

my ex and i were best friends through high school, we saw a few other people, but we seemed to keep ending up together. we started living together in college, then we were married in 1996. the whole relationship was great until mid-1998, she seemed to find a new spiritual path, which was fine. i myself was never a religious person, i had my beliefs, and we both seemed to share the same view. now it seemed that i wasn't good enough anymore. i tried going to church with her and share her new joy. i still seemed i had to keep my distance though.

after a while, she started resenting me for not wanting to have what she had. i was perfectly happy in my place in life in time, but it was like she needed me to join her or she couldn't be happy. that last year and a half of the marriage pretty much slowed to a halt. i've been trying to work on things with her, i've been changing a lot (which im learning now was a big mistake), but it seemed that she felt she had to do nothing, i was the one who needed to conform. anyway, the last year of the marriage pretty much defined our future. she had her friends, i had mine, we didn't do much together anymore. god knows i've tried everything. i was miserable, we didn't fight much, we just seemed to co-habitate.

2 months ago i found out she was seeing an old boyfriend, who was going through a divorce, had a few kids, and also was an unemployed alcoholic (im not saying this to be mean, its the truth - i couldn't understand what i did that was so bad that she had to seek her comfort from a man like this.) anyway, i found out there was more going on and that's when i threw in the towel. i confronted her about the whole situation and she told me they were in love and she wanted a divorce. as much as i wanted to make things work between us, i realized this was the best thing to do. after the talk, she immediately started staying with him (he was living with his mom) i couldn't bear to be around this, so i packed my things and moved out- then filed for divorce.

in the time span of a few days, i lost everything - my love, my house, my dogs-- everything familiar to me.

now i am realizing that everything i've pretty much done for the relationship was unappreciated, and i had some 'codependency issues' to work on. its been a month since i've moved out, but im feeling it is for the best. im learning who i once was and i liked that person a lot. im not saying things are easy now.

i haven't had a good nights sleep in a month - maybe get 2 hours a night - mostly tossing and turning. i don't eat much, and spent a lot of time crying. im fortunate i have good friends that are helping me through it, there are lots of good times, lots of bad times. but i'm taking it day by day.

i know people change. that's life. its dealing with the changes and how it effects you and your spouse is important. i felt i've reached my b.s. tolerance level with the infidelity. not that there was much going on before that, but sometimes you need to know when to let go.

i was a committed husband, willing to do whatever it took to make the relationship work. i could have walked away much earlier in the marriage, but i was in it for the long haul, thick and thin, that's how i was raised.

now, im trying not to let the anger eat me up. im trying to meet new people, i realize its far to early, but i feel im doomed with the divorce on my record. its unfortunate that people enter into a marriage and have it end this way. we could have ended up staying friends, and made a real easy divorce. i don't want things to be bad for her, but now i must lookout for myself, and try to move on.

Like most nights, I haven't been through it 100 times of how I could of changed things and made them better already...

Me and my ex met through friends and I knew her for about 4 years before I even dated her. I finally decided after a failed relationship to go out with her. seemed strange I know but I figured why not. I started dating her and after 6 months decided when she went on vacation with her family that I couldn't be without her and asked her to marry me.

We made it through the first two years pretty much as most do, in what I consider the honeymoon stage. but then things started to get interesting. One night we had two of our friends over (a young married couple) and well it just so happened that pictures that were taken of my wife fell off where I had hidden them away (not on purpose by any means).

Well it started as a joke, but soon it progressed into what was completely unthinkable over the next few weeks and we discovered we became a swinging couple with them. (we never did it all of us but we got extremely close to, I backed out of the deal). If you are reading this on the site trust me, this isn't healthy at all on any relationship, but hey it was fun at the time! (now it was one of the biggest mistakes possible in my life)!

So, after I talked with my friend one day we both decided that this wasn't good at all on any of us and my ex and I discussed it as well and well it wasn't right after that either. every time we (the four of us) got together after that it always felt wrong, so I let the friendship die to save the marriage. (another regret now)

Well, now comes the fun part, we buy a computer and we both start spending time on here (me more than her). Well, to say the least, this made things impossible now. The time I spent with her before now was spent on here. and the time that wasn't she spent going to the bars drinking half the night away. I spent the time on here to escape the reality of what was a failing marriage I didn't want to "own up to or fix". She spent time watching the tv programs I had now grown to hate. (the bar thing didn't happen till the very end).

When the fateful day did come, almost one year ago now, I was actually such in shock that she wanted it, I begged for a second chance at it. although I had the same thoughts myself many time, just didn't want to admit it. I begged for her to go to counseling with me (she did once but to her divorced minister who told her divorce was fine and easy to come by (this from a supposed man of the faith who is supposed to keep couples together!!!)).

Well, regardless, We didn't talk hardly ever after that day, I lost her. I never ever thought I would be in this world of the divorced (the label just sucks , mind you). I had seen those who were divorced and if you haven't been divorced yet, or are, you know what I mean. You just kind of look at them as if, didn't you know he/she wasn't the one? what's wrong with you? etc. etc.

So, now here I am 29 years old, divorced living alone in an apartment instead of the house I was once in (many many lessons learned), and now trying to still deal with this (the madness of divorce and wishing I hadn't made the mistakes I did and of course not all the blame is mine by any means).

So, how to move on now? How do you trust again? How do I know the next time wont be the same? There's no answers to these questions, you can try to give me the same old answers I've heard. You just know...

So, I go on and start dating again... last week was the first one to be exact.. I met her on the internet at a dating site, We go for dinner and instead of going out after she wishes to go home. (I find out today why she writes me back and says I just seemed to want to get too serious). I didn't think I was trying to be serious at all. So this weekend a new lady and a new date and well see what happens.

Life is hard folks, the cards aren't perfect, and guess what else? Only few select few get the right cards and get blackjack. My sister is one who got blackjack of course first time. Happy, healthy husband, two kids, nice house, etc etc etc. tons of friends, and the list goes on…

So, I grab my chair at the table again, sit across from the blackjack dealer himself, and tell him this time I want to win, this time please deal me the right cards, this time I…

You have absolutely redefined self-hatred and the emasculation of the male mind by the mass culture.

My husband and I just had our 5th anniversary. I’m 33, he’s 26 (going on 12). Other women get gifts or flowers for their anniversary. I came home to find a pawn ticket for our VCR and my leather jacket.

He’s a drug addict, who left my 3 months ago for some 20-yr-old who was willing to shoot up with him (I wasn’t, I hate crank, I hate anything to do with all that) They went to California. First he called me and told me he wanted a divorce. I actually went to the lawyer to start the proceedings.

Then he told me he’d found Jesus, was clean, and wanted to come back home. So I got him a bus ticket home. So we’re back together but everyday I wonder why I didn’t just let him go. I have spent the worst five years of my life waiting for him because he keeps promising things will get better.

We had only been married 1 yr when he went to prison for forging checks (to support his habit). I spent 2 years visiting him, being told how things would be different when he got out (they weren’t—who here is surprised). He won’t get a job, so I pay all the bills (barely). He sits around all day watching tv and eating. His excuse has been that it’s hard for him to stay clean. Except that he’s using again.

I have pretty much decided that every word that comes out his mouth is a lie. Its easier that way—I don’t have to wonder what’s true and what’s not. I hate lies—I try my absolute best never to tell them, and I feel horrible when I do. It just seems like such a waste of time. So what irony that I end up with a compulsive liar. Nothing I say gets through to him. It’s getting to the point where I hate him, he’s just an obstacle to get around, a monster under the bridge to placate.

My friends & family hate him (except for my mother, she’s very religious and tries not to hate anyone). All these people who had so much going for their marriages, but they still didn’t work—there seems like there is absolutely no hope for something so totally screwed up. I know people must think I am an idiot, I wonder that myself. I am college educated, I have a BA & MA, I am reasonably attractive and fun to be with. Sometimes I think I stay because I want to prove to everyone else that they are wrong.

We don’t have an children (I would have to raise them myself and I know I am not capable of that). Some people stay because of their children. I guess I stay because there aren’t any, and the only person this is hurting is me. I was 29 when I got married, I guess maybe I just got tired of partying and dating.

I did want this to work out though. My parents divorced when I was five, so I always told myself if I ever got married it would be for good. My dad’s on his 3rd wife, he finally seems happy with her. My mom’s second marriage is miserable, she’s only stayed with my dad because of my sister. But she’s 16 and will only be at home a couple more years, then she says she will leave him.

My husband’s family is even more dysfunctional. His father didn’t marry his mother (probably because he was already married with 4 kids she had no clue about), she married someone else so my husband would have a father. Unfortunately his stepdad was an alcoholic. His mother & stepdad married, divorced, remarried, divorced, remarried, and finally divorced. His mother married someone else in between. So my husband has not exactly had the best role models.

I think that movies and tv have done a lot to mess up our generation and those after us. Problems are just neatly solved in 1/2 an hour or an hour. Most of the portrayals of relationships is so unrealistic, and people feel cheated when they can’t have that in real life.

Disillusioned

After reading Nick’s story I have been inspired. I think that love is real, its ALIVE, and it CAN beat anything!

Please allow me to share with you a very special story. To make a very long story short. I know two individuals that have been married now for about 25 years, but they have been to hell and back. Their amazing love for each other has gone through EVERY kind of abuse humanly imaginable.

BUT…under all of their pain and suffering, they realize that they really do have deep love and respect for their commitment. They have been seperated, and filed for divorce twenty times or more. By the grace of G-d, they have successfully remained happy for the last two years!

I think Nick still has a little hope, a little faith, but most important a lot of love for [his former wife]. It’s never to late. Trust in your heart, ask for guidance from above and you shall find love.

I leave with one question, I have been searching for the answer, I would like to know what Nick thinks as well as others: Do you believe in soul mates? Why or Why not?

I’m sure you read this often, but thank you for pouring your feelings into this site.

It was hard for me to hear from a man’s point of view of marriage and divorce. I’m 25 and after being married for just two years my husband, whom I would of done anything for, decided to go home with a girl (the bartender) a few times.

He finally admitted to me after his friends decided to tell the world and I heard through rumors. I’m still grieving for the love we once had. There have been many hours/days where there are moments of weakness. This weakness makes me feel like “maybe I’m not doing the right thing.” I feel as if I should go back “for better for worse.” But how much can a marriage handle?

I tend to blame myself for his actions. I believe that our generation has been so “Disney-Manipulated” and “True Love” will take you away on a white horse. I believed that. I wanted to believe that SO much that I stuck with the same special guy for almost 10 years even though obvious warning signs existed. I met him in highschool and we swore we would be “high school sweethearts for life.”

Again another imaginary scenario. Reality really slaps you in the face when something like this happens. All those fairy tales we grew up with in the Little Golden Books, we later realize they don’t come true. Through therapy and praying, I try to have a bit of hope for my future. Perhaps there is someone who has been down the same road as I.

I know it won’t be easy to love again but it will happen. People like us who have big hearts really shouldn’t be wasted living alone. Thanks again for your inspiring page.

I find myself identifying with the stories of others. I too am a 26 yr. old genx'er, and my marriage is on the verge of divorce. I married, as most do, for all the wrong reasons.

I wanted someone to love me, take care of me and my two-year-old son, and was really searching for a good father. I found none of the above. I married a controlling, penny-pinching divorced man who, yes, loves his children, but not my son.

I have found that the most difficult aspects of the situation include loss of myself (values, wants, needs) and loss of the close relationship with my son. My husband, who is 13 years older than I, has brought our relationship to the point where I am having to choose between my son and my marriage. That is not a decision I can make. I find myself admitting and apologizing when I’ve done nothing wrong just to keep some sense of peace in our home.

My entire extended family lives six states away and I have applied for a job there. i should find out soon if I have been selected. I haven't told my husband that I applied. This would be my only out, the only way for me to break away. He will fight me for everything… everything is in his name, but if I could just walk away from these five years of hell with enough to start over, I would be content.

Good luck to the others out there trying to make a break. “Until the pain of remaining the same becomes greater than the pain of change, things will ALWAYS be the same.”

I asked myself “why, why, why!?” over and over, imploring G-d above for an answer to help me. I thought, too, that I had at least accepted my life in this marriage of 18 years and always tried to make the most of it. I thought that I showed my appreciation to the man I thought was pretty close to perfect. When everything went down hill, I was pretty devastated and thought that it was the end, things would never be the same for me again.

The pain of this ending was immense and overwhelmed me daily. I ranted and raved and then I guess, I picked myself up shortly after he left. It was simply a matter of survival. I went out on my first date in 25 years with another man and it was magical, wonderful like nothing I had ever experienced before. The magic has been with me now for 9 months and I feel like one of the lucky ones.

Many people try to tell me that it is merely a “rebound” relationship and sure to die, but I chose, “I” chose…to live again…to pick myself up…to make the decision to take a chance, to be vulnerable, to show another human being my pain, my insides, my guts and allow him to love me as I had never been loved before.

I live in the moment, for I cannot think beyond today, beyond the “now”. This is better for me. I have hope, but no expectations beyond what is given to me, which is plenty in such a different way. There is an honesty that my new partner and I share that provides the intimacy that I so sought in my marriage.

I don't ask “why” anymore. The pain of the loss has been softened and the anger dissipates with each passing day. I think that we must move on from “why” because you can never really figure it out. Something died for one or the other and can not be revived except to create a new beginning with new love if we but allow ourselves the courage of honesty and vulnerability, allow ourselves to love and to be loved. That’s all I ever wanted.

My heart was broken and I couldn't stop my tears… I surf to see if something could help me, and I see your website, where I found I’m not the only one with broken heart…

Last month, he was working aboard and he sent me an e-mail that he couldn't lie to me - he told me that he doesn't love me; he said I did no wrong, the only reason was: he doesn't love me!!!

I’ve been with him for more than 9 years, since high school. I just don't understand why things change. I thought that I was lucky, with G-d’s bless, I really enjoyed my life; all of my relative & friends thought that we were the best couple…

When he returned home, he refused any counseling as he didn't think it could help our relationship. I read self-help material to see how can I change his mind and let him know how much I love him. Finally, he agreed to stay with me and seems good to me during this month.

However, I just found that he has never change his mind, he still doesn't love me. The reason for his stay is because it's stable to stay with me, a place where a wife love him, nothing need to worry, no need to face the changes…

I'm so sad and my heart tears into pieces. I don't want a divorce so easily, but, should I still accept a husband who doesn't love me? I struggle…

Has anyone said that most of the problems actually come from outside of the divorcing couple?

1) That a housewife’s contribution to a family’s money was destroyed by product mass-marketing in the 40’s & 50’s?
2) That western divorce law has become pure injustice, and that this mistake was made in the 50’s & 60’s?
3) That child-care and education laws make children a very great burden on mothers, and this mistake began in the 60’s?
4) That married couples became massively over-taxed in order to force more mothers into a tight labour market, at the request of big business in the early 70’s?
5) That western governments began reducing the fertility of their peoples in the 70’s, based on warnings in the “Limits to Growth” report and others, and their simplest approach was to stop supporting marriage?
6) That wives are targetted sexually by outsiders, for the additional gut-pleasure of a theft from the cheated husband, and that this mistake began in prehistory?
7) That (well-paid) husbands are targetted sexually by outsiders, 40% of their affairs ending in a blackmail payment?
8) That parents reawaken their old wounds in their married children, and maybe that began in prehistory?
9) Feminism? My wife hates it with a will now she has a son. No daughter of a feminist is allowed near him. She knows the inside story there, I guess! In which case who will marry our own daughters?
10) Manliness? An educated, unaggressive, amenable, man who loves home is nowadays judged… a nerd. Am I right? But 40 years ago he was the model offered to all schoolboys.

We’re couples under attack but we think we’re not. Our noses point at each other when we gripe, the inevitable happens, and a major industry preys upon us instantly. Nobody really cares because only OUR OWN children can profit from our own marriages’ survival.

My wife left me because she could not handle the stress, and felt that I would do nothing to help. I did not see it this way. But, finally, she told me, over the phone, that she did not love me anymore, and that she wanted a divorce.

the hopelessness that descended upon me was unbearable. … It has been five months since she left. about three weeks since the divorce was final. It still feels unbearable. The doctors have diagnosed me with Major Depressive Disorder.

I just am glad to have found this web site. At least I know I am not alone. I wish none of us were in this position, but, WE did not have that choice. I will keep checking back to see how things are going. Thanks for allowing me to share.

i just spent the last 2 hours reading and understanding every word you wrote…. it was the biggest slap in the face.

thank you so much for writing that. i thought that i was the only one out there that felt the way i do and to see all my feelings wrote down by someone else was a huge relief. i’m still currently married but divorce is on the horizon…. and we are generation X’ers. we’ve been married 5 years. he's 25 and i’m 23. one thing that you didn’t touch on was kids… what then??

I guess I feel some affinity with you. I, too, have a film degree, and though I have pursued that love along a slightly different path, we seem to have some things in common. I am also married, (going on 14 years) and my wife and I had a similar courtship - marrying while we were both still in school at Ohio State U.

I was greatly saddened to read your story. I am deeply sorry that your marriage went the way it did, but I feel like I have some thoughts that may help. You might blow all of this off - “like, who is this guy, anyway?” - or you might be offended, or you might think “Aww, how nice”, and then forget about it.

Just because you are divorced does NOT mean that your relationship with your former wife cannot be healed. I don’t know (and wouldn’t PRESUME to know) the finer points of your relationship, and the journey you both had. I am not saying those things don’t matter, but I am saying that there is nothing that can’t be healed, if both people want to heal it.

Two of the greatest LIES our culture has foisted upon us about marriage and divorce are the lies of “inevitability” and of “immutability”.

First, we are taught, by the media, by friends, by cultural icons - that divorce is like a speeding train moving toward a head-on collision. We are trapped, and there is no way we can stop it. One of the BEST films I have seen dealing with this subject was “The Story of Us”. I don’t know if you like sappy romances, (I do!) but aside from that, what most impressed me about it was the message.

Throughout most of the film, Michelle Pfeiffer and Bruce Willis are relating their versions of the events leading up to their impending divorce. As the timeline progresses to the “present” - they are going to pick the kids up at camp, after which they are going to announce their divorce.

Through the film, especially from Pfeiffer’s character, there is an attitude of RESIGNATION. She has bought into this “inevitable” trap. “We just grew apart” you hear people say. “It just happened” you might hear. In reality, this is just a post-modern ploy to absolve ourselves of any responsibility for what has happened.

We might say “oh yes, we were both to blame” but what we really mean is NO ONE is to blame. So we ride the inevitability train, waiting for the crash. When it comes, we all look around and say - “I told you so”.

The problem is, ALL that has to happen is for someone to say “STOP”. To pull the handbrake, and avoid the collision. That is exactly what Michelle Pfeiffer says at the end of the film. To paraphrase her, she says:

“There are cities in Mesopotamia where archaeologists have excavated the layers … and they find where they build a new city on the remains of the old city … well I don’t WANT to build a new city. I LIKE the city we have built together. Sure I could go find someone new without your problems, but they would just have DIFFERENT problems.” (Or words to that effect)

The point is that marriage is a lifelong process, and it is MESSY. Life, in general, is not neat and clean. It can’t be packed up in neat little boxes tied with string and then stacked on a shelf with a label telling you what it is.

You wrote: “marriage is a choice.” How right you are. And we can always make the choice to STAY married, or to re-marry (the same person). The choice is always there.

You also wrote: “truly unconditional love comes only from parents.” Not true. I know people rarely read the books that others recommend, but I would STRONGLY suggest you read a book by C.S, Lewis entitled “The Four Loves”.

Although he is noted as a [religious] author, you don’t have to be one to appreciate this book. Lewis was a philosopher and scholar of great renown, and this is one of his best works. (It is also a short book and a pretty easy read.) In it, he analyses the fact that there are FOUR very different types of love, and that much of our modern troubles come from the fact that we confuse one type with another. The four Greek words for our word love are “storge” (affection), “philia” (friendship), “eros” (sexual or romantic love) and “agape” (selfless love).

The main point to take away is this: Love that is emotional, based on “feelings” is “philia” or “eros”. The kind of love that does NOT involve CHOICE. In other words, you can’t help the way you feel. You don’t HAVE to be “friends” with everybody. You “fall” in love.

HOWEVER - love that is eternal, love that will see you THROUGH the tough times, love upon which a marriage MUST depend, is a conscious choice. In other words, “agape” love is love even when you DON’T feel like it! ….

Many people will criticize that saying “I can’t make myself love someone”. Well, that’s true if you are thinking of “philia” or “eros” love, which are based on feelings. But it is ABSOLUTELY false otherwise. “Agape” love is not just a love that “could” be based in a choice. It is a love which MUST, by definition, depend on choice.

It is this love which is the foundation of marriage. And it is through an understanding of this that (hopefully) people will see that marriage CAN last forever, and can ALWAYS be healed. As I said above, it is never too late. Feelings will always come & go. Basing any relationship on them is perilous, indeed. But basing a relationship in the eternal strength of a love that is a COMMITMENT is a recipe for success.

Honestly, Nick, I don’t mean to be preachy, so please forgive me if that’s how it comes across. But I (obviously) feel strongly about this, and I truly want to help you if I can. I honestly feel a burden for you and your relationship with your former wife. (And no, I’m not some weird stalker-type, either!) …

In conclusion, let me tell you that it is painfully clear from your site that you loved your former wife, and that you STILL do. You wrote: “… and we still didn’t make it.” I will submit to you that your statement is premature. I would say to you that it is NOT over.

Again, as I said earlier, I don’t want to preach, and I don’t blame you if you write all this off as “ranting”. But I hope that you take a moment to think about these points. And please know that I will be [thinking] of you and your former wife, regardless of where you both go from here. Feel free to drop me a note if any of this strikes a chord.

I think you’r nieve, Love Bug ! ! ! I think women have come a LONG way, and in return I think men are intimidated by that. I am a woman ( 28 years old), no kidz, no FAILED marriage…. I have three brotherz (all of whom are marred and have kidz)…… and all are younger than myself , nethless to say, I have HELD OUT.

Looking (hoping) to find the right person, I conduct myself accordingly. My experience’s are not based on income, looks , or past experiences (because we all have our skeletons). Based on one’s selfworth, it is within us all to seek out our own fate… and that lie’z in each of our own handz (pending on the path in which we chooze).

Married for 34 years and then dumped, trashed and rejected for a 26 year old, and hating the fact that I am so needy. Never a clue, or a sign, justa phone call and it’s gone. Pride went out the window, as I begged for asecond chance. If self-esteem is gone, and so is pride, what is left. Ihope there comes a day when I don’t wonder why the sun bothered to come upwhen my life is over.

Hey there, I just read through your website on divorce….. its pretty touching and although I’ve never been married myself, I know how hard it is to deal with the loss a long, meaningul realtionship.

You wrote in you “Aftermath” section that “in my view, marriage is simply a dead-end of disappointment and resentment.”…..does this view still apply to this day? The website seems to have been put up a while ago…..would love to see something on your website, as to how you are doing today…whether you have moved on? found new love again?

I agree with your writer so much. After 36 years of marriage my husband has left to be with another. Although he doesn’t love her, he wants to have a new life. He has moved on and I am still in this one. The only time I have absence of pain is when I am completely void of any feelings. Where do you go after such a long period of time being married? I was married longer than I was single. He deserted me and our family. He has become a “new” person. Our sons have closed their hearts and lives to him; why can’t I?

At first I knew the problem was me - it had to be. Then realizing he left all of us, I knew the problem had to be him. Will he ever know the pain he has caused others? I doubt it. There are days I sleep all day long - other days I can’t sleep a wink. Meanwhile he never even thinks of his grown sons. He condemns them for not calling him. Why would they want to?

I am honest that I have prayed for his “instant death”; a mack truck to keep running over him; his whore find a new man and leave him alone. I have nightmares dreaming about him and wonderful times that we never had. About his kindness, etc. which, now when I think about it, never really was there. Why am I going through all this for someone who definitely didn’t appreciate a wonderful wife and family, because, in my own way, I feel insecure and inadequate and he only made those feelings larger in my life by just walking out.

At 58 years old I am now alone and expected to start my life over. Well, the funny part is that I don’t care to. I don’t have the strength or the energy. I used it all up raising a family, working two jobs, being the super wife that kept his career on track, being the super mom who was homeroom mother for both sons, and soccer team mother for both sons.

I realize how he has used me all these years. I worked two jobs sending him and our oldest son to college at the same time. Once he had a second degree, he walked off with his college teacher. There ought to be a law or some type of legal recourse against the school which will allow me to sue a school which would allow a teacher to date a student.

Why do I feed on this hate? I have no idea. All it does is drain me and maybe that is what I want. An excuse to end it. The only problem with that is my sons would be orphans because, now, when I truly think about it, they never had a father.

I talked with my youngest the other night on the telephone and told him I didn’t want to cause any problems between him and his father. I wanted a civil divorce so that, on special occassions and if he wanted to do something with his father, we could all be together at one time without hard feelings. As my youngest stated, “he never wanted to do anything with me since the day I was born, why would he want to do something with me now. He never wanted me. Why would I want to do anything with him now.”

My husband looks at me with hate in his eyes. He never hears what I say, only what he wants to hear. He is the one who deserted the family. He is the one who committed adultry. He is the one who is living with his whore. Why am I the one who is to blame?

Women will always desire and need men. I am 42 now and I am more convinced of this than ever. You could have argued that men don’t really need women, but no one ever discusses that.

A woman desires a man for his strength, protectiveness, and love. Being held in a man’s arms is the most wonderful feeling imaginable - nothing else duplicates it!

I’m sorry. I came to your page looking for other people’s view on divorce. I’m so sorry that people, yound and old, are so negative about each other. Many of the responses state they knew it was a bad match but went ahead and married anyway. This puzzles me. How can we expect marriage to work if even before you are not being honest in your relationship. If you know something is bad why do you do it? Why do you lead other people to believe something that is not true? It only makes for anger, resentment, and hatred in the end. You ruin not only your life, but another’s as well.

Its not society, its not feminism, its not romanticism, its not religion, its not corporate America or politicians. We all belong to the human race and no matter how you were raised or what you think is expected of you, you must care for your fellow human being, your brothers and sisters in the world. Most of the focus on entries has been on “ME” Poor me, how could he/she do this to me?, What have I done?, Why Me? There is no perfect person in the world for you. There is a special person for everyone but by no means are they perfect. We are human, we make mistakes, we get angry, we hate, we love, we laugh, we cry. You love someone because of the qualities they possess, not because of how they make you feel. You get married because they share the same goals and dreams, not hobbies or backgrounds. You want the same things for your lives. Its a respect for one another that keeps things together and working.

I am a non-perfect 25 year old mother of one and married to a non-perfect man for 5 years. We are going through some tough stuff now. I knew what I wanted when I got married. I knew the lifestyle I expected and we discussed this before we got engaged. There are times I hate him for the stupid things he does or because he is selfish and so unthoughtful. But he is human, as am I. I get grumpy and greedy and plain mean. But knowing that we value each other and respect each other is what keeps us from walking out when money is tight and the baby is sick and our families interferes with us. It is a partnership - not equal in many ways. He the breadwinner her the wife/mother or vice versa. Sometimes you have to pick up the slack for someone else, and sometimes they do it for you. Its never 50-50 its *ALWAYS* 100-100. You cant have a half of a person in a relationship.

Consider yourself lucky - you are not one of the 3 million people in this world who goes hungry each day - you are not one of the nine million people that is innocently imprisioned because of your beliefs, you live in a country where you have the freedom to choose your life, your mate, your education, your religion, etc. Sometimes that freedom comes with a price, most of it paid with the price of another human being’s life. You choose to live your life with another person. You will not always agree or get along. But **YOU** choose this lifestyle. You make decisions and reap the consequences. If you entered a marriage knowing it wouldn’t work just to avoid a scene or to please someone else, you are living with your result. Learn to suck up and deal. Life is not always happy and joyous. For 75% percent of the world it is utter chaos. May some of what I’m ranting about sink in somewhere or help someone else.