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Jennifer Mike twice burned confused Gallro101 |
Vicki Gloria Bill & Connie steve K |
Campbell Nancy Chris Jessica Trace |
Steve Nichole CinJin Christine Brook |
Ike sandra buttaro Shelina darlene twice |
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In February 1999, my true love and I divorced. When we married I was 19 and he was 21. We were together for 6 years. I had never met another person so like myself and I knew that he was the man I was supposed to spend my life with. Although we had problems, we were always able to make each other laugh and we were both constantly amazed at just how much we loved each other. We decided to go back to college together in August of 1998.
By February of the next year, we were separated and we were officially divorced the same month. We separated on Valentine's Day. Which is kinda funny since we got engaged on April Fool's Day. Right now, I am at the stage where I have convinced myself that there will never be another like him. No one will ever truly love me. I am devastated beyond belief. I want to beg him to come back but I know it won't work.
I've been searching everywhere for some kind of advice or support and I was so happy to come across a page dedicated to people of my age group. I feel completely alone even though all of the messages that I've read here are so incredibly similar to my own feelings. Even though I am back in college studying and even working in the field that I have always loved, I feel empty. Completely empty. He was my best friend. How could there possibly be another like him. We even made the exact same jokes at the very same time. It was almost frightening how alike we were.
I know that we married too young. We both had alot of growing up to do. We were both only children accustomed to having people around us pay attention to our own personal needs and no one else's. He said that we were like two drowning people trying to cling to each other. He was right. I've always had problems with depression and in the very bad times I would take it out on him while trying to cling to him for support at the same time. I never realized just how many problems that he had of his own. I blame myself for our divorce and I blame myself for ruining both of our lives. He wanted to move to bigger places, exciting places. He was accustomed to this since childhood because his family was constantly moving around the world. I, on the other hand, have never strayed very far from my small town and was always very apprehensive about giving up stability for excitement. I suffocated him and now I've paid the price.
Right now, I feel that I am immersed in darkness and I see NO light ahead. I've seen other divorce boards where people going through this keep in contact with each other for support and advice and I think that it would be great to do the same here. I felt so small discussing my 6 year relationship with people who had just lost spouses that they had shared their lives with for 20 years or more even though I knew that the pain of losing a true love was probably the same for everyone.
The bottom line is that my husband and I had a beautiful friendship, extreme trust, and a sincere and true love for each other. There was no cheating and no lying. We were simply immature and unable to handle normal, expected marital problems. We tried counselling but we both believed that it was simply too little, too late.
I understand where you're coming from and had to laugh at how much I could relate with your feelings. I got married when I was only 20 years old and was divorced by the time I was 22. One of those Army marriages-Civilian divorces. I don't want to bore you with the details but she wanted to party while I was away. And the fact that she wasn't having to spend "her" money was great, I was away over seas working my butt off and she was back in America having a good old time. The only way I found out was when I finally came home one of our old "friends" started telling me about the great time her and my wife were having going out to clubs and partying. Little did she know that wasn't what my wife was telling me she was spending the money on or what she was doing with her free time. Needless to say, she didn't want to be with me when I cut her off from the money for parties. Now she's in AZ with living with a guy that owns a Harley shop. It's taken a long time, I'm 24 now, and I haven't dated since. But I feel better and am refusing to just rebound. A new one will come along and that will make the old one nothing more than just a youthful memory. Hang in there.
My second marriage ended in divorce 6 months ago. I thought I had done all the "right" things when I married the second time. I was 28, had dated him for over two years, we even went to premarital counseling. We were together for nearly 8 years. All shit it the fan when I wanted to go back to school for a Ph.D. He decided he couldn't support me emotionally or financially, and ended our marriage after I was in school for about a year. He didn't want to go to counseling either individually or together.
I can sympathize about the discouraging feelings about finding someone "new". My ex and I had been unseparable, or so I thought. Everyone thought we had the perfect marriage. After 6 months, I still have absolutely no desire to date anyone. My ex was dating the minute we signed papers and seems to be thrilled with his decision to discard me. When men ask me out, I just figure what is the point? So I can waste another however-many years of my life in the hopeless quest for a lifelong commitment? My parents have been married for close to 40 years now. My grandparents were married for 60 years.
I know how much work marriage can be, I just don't trust that there are many single people left out there who have a clue. Instead of trying to find that perfect "someone", I'm now focusing on the only SAFE alternative, both physically and mentally. Celibacy! Dating is such a drag. You tell your "story", they tell you theirs. They call, they don't call. Whatever. Then they try to get you in bed for some recreational-tide-me-over-till-something-better-comes-along fling. Count me out! I'm convinced that in my old age I'll be one of the last people on the planet, along with maybe the other small percentage of people who are actually monogamous in their marriage, who don't have AIDS or some kind of chronic STD to deal with.
I thought (yet again) that I was special and that when I read this page, I would find that everyone would be older or younger, everyone would have these short, largely unthought out relationships, that no one would be anything like me. I was so wrong. You are all like me, all your stories. I am 27 in a few weeks. I've been together with my husband for 7 years. Our relationship is destroying me and destroying my life. Every day, I think about leaving and every day, I list the reasons to myself, and every day, I list my fears about leaving.
It reminds me of when I went to camp, and there was this huge "challenge" called the zip line. To begin, you'd climb a tree (you were harnessed in) up some 30 feet and then someone would harness you to another rope. You then would grab onto this bar which was attached to a rope, jump off the tree, and you'd zip down to the ground, quite fast, and be caught at the bottom where your counselors were waiting. At any rate, I climbed the tree and spent half an hour unable to jump, unable to accept the fact I was harnessed in and safe, unwilling to conquer my fears, unbelieving that I could do it, and most of all, I just didn't want to do it.
That is how I feel about this divorce right now. I'm stuck on that platform and I don't know what to do. I can't jump and I can't climb down and I can't climb up. I know that I will live, he will live, and life will eventually go on. But, it seems impossible to me now. I am completely paralyzed.
If I sound kind of bitchy, well, take a closer look. I'm beautiful, smart, sexy. I'm a Ph.D. student. I do interesting things. I have a great family. I am incredibly easy going, trusting.
I thought my husband was a genius, worshipped him, adored him, loved him. I moved with him around the world. I did anything I could to please him.
Then, my husband cheated on me. He had an affair for a year. That was three years ago. He cheated on me before that, only I found out about all the instances at the same time. It broke me.
Some people, after an affair, become stronger. I became meaner, less trusting, less kind. Not much, but enough to dislike myself a little bit, enough so that I no longer think of myself as "pure of heart."
My husband disappears for hours at a time at night. He recently told me that when we first met he was heavily into drugs (this I never knew), and started taking them again. Not much, but enough to irk me. We go through stretches where he won't make love to me.
I forever suspect he is having an affair, but he swears no, claims that I don't trust him, which is true, because I don't.
He is supposed to start counselling. Long overdue, obviously. but how long can a girl hand on? How long can I care? Some days I hate him, and the only thing which keeps me here is the thought that the minute I walk out the door, he will be in bed with someone else.
So, I think, I ponder, I contemplate. There is a trill to having one's own place, to meeting some new guys, to having sex with someone I've just met an hour ago. On the other hand, I love my husband. What if I never meet anyone like him (and I don't think I ever will)? What if I end up just as unhappy as I am now?
I've been unhappy for so long. You can't imagine.
Sign me,
Confused
I'm 29 and I'm divorced. I agree with everything I've read on this site. It's all true.
I wish I had the insight to read things like this before I got married. I had expectations that my husband would finish his education and get a great job. When he didn't things began to fall apart. I wanted a home, children, and a comfortable life style. I was the husband and the wife in the relationship. I paid the bills and earned the money while he ran up the bills. It was horrible. I felt such pressure to succeed for both of us. I was the one with the benefits and trying to get promoted. It effected our sex life because I didn't want to get pregnant. I was scared to death because I knew I could take care of myself but not me and a child. I was married at 26 and by my 27th birthday my health took a horrible turn. I became very ill and no one knew what was wrong. I couldn't walk and collapsed and everything hurt. My lymph nodes were swollen through my entire body and doctors thought I had cancer.
Here I was at 27 with cancer, how could this be? After tests it was found I did not have cancer. After many months of testing I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia as a result of a virus. I could not sleep I was tired and to touch me I would scream in pain. Suddenly something hit my central nervous system and I began to tic, stutter and fall to the ground with mini seizures. I couldn't walk and was in a wheelchair. I went to Washington DC to see one of James Brady's doctors who told me he didn't know what I had but it wasn't a seizure disorder. He told me to buck up and that it would pass. After many months of medications I began to get better. During all of the testing they found a node on my thyroid and a mysterious lymph node in my neck.
After about a year my marriage didn't get better, my sex life was awful and I still felt a lot of pressure re/money and bills. My husband's education was not any further along towards a degree. My husband began hanging out with 22 year olds and began partying like we were back in college again. I was losing him and I knew it, he began to treat me horribly. He spent a lot of time with a 23 year old girl and I knew things were headed down a bad road. After the summer I was told I had to get half of my thyroid removed and the lymph node removed from my neck. Again, I was faced with another cancer scare and signed papers if cancer was found around or on my voice box that it would be ok to remove the voice box. Luckily I didn't have cancer.
After the operation I asked my husband to leave. I told him my home was not a hotel. I had to chose my health or him. Doctors told me the stress could bring me back to not walking and stuttering severely. I filed for divorce. Thank God I don't have cancer. I am now divorced and I am happy to say I am off all medications.
I was 26 and made a terrible mistake. Our expectations were different. Our views were different and we grew into two different people with different goals. I loved him so much I would have died for him at one point but love doesn't make marriage right. I didn't know who I was or what I like or what I wanted out of the world. I'm now getting to know me and who I am.
I have found from my own personal experience that it is easier to get into a new relationship than I thought it would be.
I was divorced just 2 months after my second child was born, my oldest was 3 at the time. I was still angry and very hurt that the man I had loved since I was 14 years old (my romeo) could give up his family and everything we had worked for and for what—married slut that was known for sleeping around at work.
That was not what really killed my inner soul but the fact that he had lied to me for many years and I had given him his freedom to do as he liked and trusted that he would not hurt me. About eight months after I filed for divorce I went out with some friends and ran into a guy I had not seen for 10 years, he was the guy I had my eye on but I was faithful to my boyfriend (ex-husband-10 years ago). He took me home and I thought I was going to be in for my first one night stand—but hey, someone else wanted me even if it was just for sex.
Well, fifteen months later he is still with me and that is the problem, I don't know if I want him to be. I love him but I can not trust him and I don't know if I will ever trust another man again.
How do you trust someone after giving yourself to someone for so long and believing in them only to find out what you thought was real was a lie? My boyfriend knows how I feel but seems uninterested in the "how I feel matters" as long as he gets what he wants—now this sounds familiar.
Did I run right into the arms of another "my ex-in disguise"? I am scared to move on again but scared of where I am going. Once again I have lost myself for another. I thank God for my kids who give me the strength and love that I need and that I can love them unconditionally—the way I want to be loved and hopefully someday will find, that is of course if I can ever learn to trust again.
I am from the Philippines, a country where marriage is considered sacred and should not, in any circumstances, be broken.
I write not to boast of a perfect marriage (far from it) but to share my thoughts on "unconditional love". I don't know why they coin that word. Of course, when you love somebody, loving that partner entails a lot of conditions. I think most marriages fail because they lack that one very important thing: commitment. Commitment to love the person no matter what. Commitment to stay with the one you love even if he/she's not "lovable". It isn't just love that will make a marriage work, not just forgiveness.
I am married for almost 5 yrs. My husband works abroad while I work in a private company. We have a 3 yr. old son. Before we got married, we went to a series of counseling. We were taught that once we get married, we have to strive to make it work.
We love each other very much and it is for this reason that he decided to leave us and work abroad. You see, he and I disagree on a lot of things that often lead to a serious fight. He left to save our marriage. Sounds strange, no? But it's true. He assures me that even we're apart, he will stay true to his word to stay faithful. I believe him.
I have often challenged him before when he was still here, that we separate but he wouldn't hear of it. He often tells me that when he uttered our wedding vows, he meant it and would stick to it, no matter what happens. Whenever he say those things, it melts my heart. I'm sure blessed to have a husband who loves me very much and is committed to our marriage.
I think one of the reasons couples break up is lack of commitment. There is a "backdoor" in their marriages. Once they become disillusioned with their partners, they pack their bags, they go to that "backdoor" and leave. Or they just don't take vows seriously.
Before anybody jumps into marriage, they should resolve to stay in that relationship forever. It's really up to both of you to make it work.
Marriage is a mixed blessing. Sometimes it can be horribly difficult.
The sad things is that we are never really prepared for the commitment, the self sacrifice and the perseverance that it takes to make a successful marriage. And one doesn't know when is the best time to quit. Before it gets better or maybe its just going to get worse.
After reading of the pain of divorce I am glad we stuck in there and forced ourselves to deal with our selfishness and dysfunction. But I must say we could not do it without help. Help from G-d, and help from friends who can counsel you through tough times.
this story happened to me, all of it.
she left me for a man and we had it all; two businesses, house, cars and most of all love like no other. she has been gone for 3 months now and I feel worse every day. it’s like I feel that it must be a mistake and I'm going to wake up. I just don't know how you say good-bye to someone you love so much. I want to move on like she has, but how I'm so hurt and sad all the time. and I cant stop thinking about her. if you can help me, thank you.
i am a soon to be divorced mother of one child. I have been married to my soon to be ex-husband for a little over four years. we were together for almost eight years and I am angry, hurt and confused. we had a very rocky marriage from the start and I wish I was smart enough to have never got involved with him in the first place.
off and on, off and on that's how our relationship was. he cheated on me, lied to me constantly and caused so much chaos in my life I don't know how I am not insane by now. I thought (what a joke) that in january of last year we were back together again, trying to work on our relationship. we had been separated for awhile and this time he really wanted to be with me and try it again. or so he said.
what a fool I was. he had me going up until september of last year when he totally flipped the script on me and decided that he wanted a divorce. reluctantly, I agreed, even though I thought that things were going pretty smooth. what a joke. he stopped talking to me communicating with me and just disappeared he forgot about our son and everything. my son has not seen him in almost 6 months and i'm angry, and he’s very confused. I don't know what to tell him.
anyway, in december of last year this man decided that he couldn't wait for the divorce to become finally and decided to remarry. the problem is we are not divorced yet. he told everyone who would listen that we had divorced. and when I found out he married a women with two children I almost died. I totally and completely was in so much shock I shut down. I literally stopped functioning its been two months since this was revealed to me and I am a total basket case.
i feel betrayed humiliated and just down right crushed. he broke my heart, my spirit and ruined my life. I can't seem to get over the betrayal and humiliation of the whole thing. I loved this man with all my heart and I never dreamed he would hurt me and our son this way.
marriage stinks, and I am definitely through with it. I could never trust or put so much love and time into another relationship with another man ever again. how do I explain this insanity to my son since he was too much of a coward to inform either one of us of his intentions. why he couldn't wait ‘till we were divorced is beyond me. I have never been so hurt and humiliated in all my life. some times I think death would be so much easier than living with pain i've been carrying around in my heart.
I have been married for 7 years to a women who thought we were soul mates for 6. It seemed like everything changed very suddenly. I could tell something was wrong, but she refused to talk about it. She became angry, depressed and I think overall confused. We were talking like we used to one day, she broke down starting crying, walked out the door and never came back. She completely alienated her family, her old friends and began drinking way too much. I found out later that she was sleeping with a married man who was also sleeping with 3 other women, 2 of them married. Their relationship is now over, and so is his marriage.
As far as the breakdown of society in relation to marriage, It may not be society as a whole. If you look at my situation, the decisions of 1 man effected 7 peoples lives, along with his 3 children, and 2 more children from another marriage. All I can do is know that I will never be that man, I will never sleep with someone else's wife, and I would never be unfaithful to mine. It makes me feel a bit better knowing that I was a good friend and husband. Maybe the courts should look at infidelity in a different light.
I still believe in marriage and women. My parents have been married for almost 40 years and I will never forget my Great Grandparents 75th Wedding Anniversary. "Always treat your marriage like it is the most important thing in your life.... To expect that you will spend the rest of you life with someone and not have any problems is unrealistic....Work thru the rough times and the good ones will seem much better...."
I don't believe that someone should stay in an abusive marriage, but not too many other people seem to really benefit from divorce, and it's very hard on children. I will never give up on the idea that marriage can be a lifelong commitment, and there is a woman that I can fall in love with out there that feels the same way. Maybe I won't find her, but I am not going to give up hope.... Life is too short.
Gosh, I don't know what to say but, WOW. I really like all the thought you put into this.
I am 29, well heck gonna be 30, in two weeks so might as well say 30. Been married 7 1/2 yrs and been strongly thinking of divorce. I just reading through your writing and feel you have hit so much home.
The reasons for marriage nowadays just seem so different.... quick marriages and quick divorces. the value of marriage is just not there. I know for me.... I had a whole bunch of other stuff going on and honestly wasn't in love with the person I married. Oddly my husband knew that and knew I was feeling for someone else. I did not know that till recently.
Anyway, I would say, for me, I made a bad choice to begin with. what do I do about that now that I have a child? I know first hand the pain of divorce on a child. my parents divorced but yet my parents were so utterly screwed up I wish they divorced sooner.
So how does that affect me? I mean already I have an attitude of: “they should have divorced sooner”, so to give up. Do I want to teach my daughter that? But do I want to teach her it is acceptable to be treated the way I am being treated? Do I want to teach her this is what marriage is? Lack of respect and compassion?
Your whole writing just seemed to sum up the whole confusion I feel and others my age feel in the field of relationships. In so many ways I feel our generation has it so much more together yet we are so confused and hurting. We want answers but don't know where to get them. We are only figuring out the problems. Again wow on your writing it actually got me teary eyed. I am a woman so sometimes that is easy to do. LOL. but really, it impacted me hitting me to the core of my own confusion and pain. Thanks for sharing!
Being only 29 years old, and having friends who are in the same or earlier stage of life than I, it was hard to find any firsthand stories to relate to - until now.
Your site is filled with many people who have been on the receiving end of the phrase "I want a divorce". Well, I'm going to offer my opinion from the other perspective.
I have been married almost 5 years, dated for 6 years and have a 14 month old daughter. I come from a very emotionally closed family while my wife's family is the COMPLETE opposite. This has proven to be the main reason for our marriage's breakdown recently. I got into the relationship wanting to become more mature, more settled, and more responsible for my actions. It worked, but unfortunately it wasn't me and I've been struggling with who I really am and want to be, but never discussed this with my wife.
I've become more and more unsatisfied in my relationship with my wife and finally let it all out about 6 months ago with the blanket statement "I don't love you anymore!". Talk about dropping a surprise bomb. We started counseling right away but quit after 6 sessions with me saying "I want a divorce". I couldn't begin to imagine how talking to a counselor was going to make me love my wife again and make the marriage stronger than before. Then, another bomb - I had fallen in love with another woman.
To make a long story short, we tried counseling a second time, and now a third time. I can't stop thinking about the "other woman" because with her I am the person I always wanted to - open, honest, funny, happy, energetic, full of unconditional love. But I gave that up a month ago to try working on my marriage once again because the thought of divorce is scary as Hell.
I'm not sure where things will end up but we have a date in mind when the final decision will be made. My questions are: "How long do you stay in an unfullfilling relationship (for both parties), especially when you've found someone else who fills you're every need?", and "When do you stop making decisions based on how other's will feel instead of how you feel?".
Anyways, I hope someone else out there will read this and be able to relate. Marriages/families are worth fighting for, but for how long?
If I had cleared the air back when I should have I wouldn't be in this mess. If I don't clear the air now, I'll be in an even bigger mess down the road. So, no matter how much people think expressing their problems about their relationship will hurt, the problems will only grow and hurt more as time passes.
i thought I was the only one going through this. i've found so much wisdom in these contributions i've sat here for 2 hours reading them straight.
i'm 28 years old, been with my husband (also 28) for 4 years of marriage and one year of living together. no kids. I always knew something was wrong, but ignored it because I wanted to be with the 'married people' (i.e. grown-ups). I was incredibly afraid of being alone. I didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I also felt like taking our relationship to a sexual level meant we had to get married. he asked me to marry him seconds after I agreed that we should have intercourse for the first time. no pressure.
we met in college and neither of us had any other serious relationships. I thought I was mature and understood myself and marriage. wrong. I didn't think about even the most basic compatibilities. i'm a clergy-person and he's areligious on a good day. he's introverted and i'm extroverted. we have little in common besides our cat. we are not at all compatible.
i spent three years in psychotherapy (twice a week) trying to figure out why I was unhappy. I know myself much better now... and I know what I need and why he can't provide it. in fact, I probably married him because I knew I never really had to give myself over to loving him.
now i'm contemplating divorce. he has no idea where this all came from. we're in therapy together as well now, and learning much about ourselves and our dysfunction. I realize that even if we learn how to 'communicate' better i'm just not committed anymore. I fantasize about living alone. I want to be married to a different type of man entirely.
it's rewarding to read this site, even though it breaks my heart. I don't think this has anything to do with being gen-x. it has everything to do with understanding we all have one, sometimes short, life. I don't want to face death knowing I stopped myself from truly living.
i used to think I could go on this way, deeply unsatisfied internally but ok externally. i'm at the point where i'm not afraid of living alone the rest of my life. i'm more afraid of spiritually and emotionally 'dying' living with him.
hey there. I just spent an hour going over your web page. i've been married for 10 months. i'm 26 and i've been a christian for 20 years, but i'm already thinking of bolting.
it's kind of pathetic, isn't it? I read what you've written about your wife and think, "if my husband would love me like that i'd never want to leave" and yet, your alone.
thanks for putting that website together. i'll probably never get divorced - i'm too much of a chicken and fear the reaction of my family and friends. still, reading all those stories helps me deal with the crap in my world right now. it's a great website...thanks.
These essays are great, and I love seeing all the different points of view and varying beliefs. My wife has asked for a separation for the second time in a little more than a year. We got married, probably too young (23/24), had three kids right away, two careers, then one career, now back to two careers. There's been no abuse or anything like that, but she is not happy. Specifically, she says she isn't happy with our relationship, although she doesn't totally know what is wrong, or if other factors play in or not. She is confused and so am I. And she wants to be separated (which we are), so she can decide if she wants to get divorced. We're going to go to counseling, and we've both cried about this whole thing, but we don't have any answers. There's been a lot of talk about unconditional love and expectations, so these essays have hit a nerve. So I thought I'd add my views, if for no other reason than for my own catharsis.
Unconditional love, expectations and responsibility. These are the ingredients that both make a marriage work and blow the whole thing up like a 100 ton nuclear bomb. In the right combination, these ingredients make marriage the best steak, lobster and champagne dinner you ever had. In the wrong combination, they make the army's proverbial sh** on a shingle look appetizing.
Here's my viewpoint, for whatever it is worth to you. Divorce sucks. And if we're not talking about an abusive relationship, it is a bad idea, because nothing gets solved, and everyone gets hurt. With so much of it happening, it gets hard to say that divorce isn't okay, but really it is not. And if you want to be happily married, then you've got to work on and with those three ingredients.
Unconditional Love
If a man says "I do not love my wife", then I say "So then love her." "NO you don't understand, "he says "I don't love my wife, I am not in love with her, I do not have that feeling of love." Then I say again, "If this troubles you so much, then love her."
Love is a verb, folks, not just a feeling. And I think we all forget that too easily. It isn't always easy to do. That "feeling" of love, that emotion, will come and go, just as happiness, sadness, anger and sorrow come and go. Now the more often it comes, the better, but all of us possess the ability to act, and that means we all have the ability to love. The choice to love or not to love is up to us.
So when we talk about "Unconditional Love" we are not talking about a feeling, we are talking about action, about choice. There are a lot of days when I am angry with my kids (3 young boys) and my wife (who has asked for a trial separation), or that I feel hurt by what they did or did not do to or for me. But there are no days, NONE, that I don't love them all.
The real problem comes with how WELL we love. There are days when I love so well, Don Juan, Fabio and Leonardo DiCaprio put together aren't as good as I am. Maybe I have planned every detail of a romantic evening out, or maybe I just remembered for once to pick up the frickin' towel I threw on the floor after my shower. And then there are days when I love so poorly, my wife is looking at the wifebeater on COPS and starts to wonder when he'll be getting out of jail. She appreciates the days I have my A game, but she REMEMBERS every day that I had no game whatsoever. I can't blame her. Everyone remembers the bad stuff. We have become so convinced in our society that someone is screwing us, that we now have a permanent file of everything everyone has ever done wrong to us for our entire lives. But that file is a poison in our system and we have got to learn to let that go.
Expectations
Add to that the fact that we all have expectations, some of which are ludicrous. Then add the fact that half the time we don't realize we even have some of these expectations, much less what our partners' expectations are, and it starts to seem amazing we have relationships of any length at all. My wife expects me to show love in certain ways with certain frequency, and she is disappointed, hurt, angry etc. when I don't. All the while I have my own expectations of her to show me love in certain ways with certain frequency, etc., etc. But we've never sat down and layed out for each other exactly what those expectations are. And I think that's because we expect the other person to just know. Damn expectations again. It's a vicious circle. I'm not sure we realize those expectations until they have gone unmet so long we feel like it is too late. All we have to do is figure out what we really expect and want, and tell that to our mate, but suddenly it is too late.
Responsibility
So at what point have we loved so poorly and had our expectations unmet for so long that it is too late? Good question, and one I don't really know the answer to. For me, the answer is that it is never too late to change ourselves. And while you can't change the other person, I don't think there is a point at which it is too late to love them. You want to be happy? You want your marriage to work? Then you've got to take responsibility for yourself, communicate your needs, wants, hopes, fears, leave it all out there swinging in the wind and LOVE your partner no matter what. And it's hard, because, yes they may not return the favor. They may walk away leaving you feeling crushed and devastated. But if you don't, your marriage will end, and you will be crushed and devastated anyway, even if you are the one who calls the lawyer.
Marriage is not terminal, people. It does not have a shelf-life, and it is not predestined to expire. Divorce, like love, is an action and a choice. And it is sad when it is chosen. When someone commits suicide, friends and family are saddened, but there is a feeling that the person was wrong for taking the easy way out. We don't find suicide an acceptable solution, because it is no solution at all. So even though life is terminal, we still have a moral belief that it isn't right to check out early.
Yet marriage is not over sooner or later (other than through a partners death), and we seem to have adopted a new moral belief that it is okay to take the "easy" way out, to end it. It has become an "acceptable solution". You hear people say, "you know, it is better in the long run." Does this strike anyone else as just a little hypocritical. I wonder if as many people were splattering on the pavement from 12 stories up as there are people calling a marriage quits, if we'd decide that maybe it is okay... I mean how can so many people be wrong?
I'm not advocating staying in abusive relationships, and I'm not saying that life can't go on after divorce. It can and does. But I AM advocating personal responsibility. If your marriage isn't working, chances are you have something to do with it. So instead of whining about how you don't feel love or loved, try loving your partner whether they return the favor or not. The worst thing that could happen is that your partner checks out anyway, and you are actually ready for a healthy relationship next time around. But if you love somebody they usually will love you back. It's human nature. You loved (verb) each other when you were perfect strangers just starting out, didn't you? But we get to know each other, have kids, careers, etc.; we start to take each other for granted, and stop loving our partners. And that turns steak, lobster and champagne into mystery meat and arsenic. We've all got the ingredients inside ourselves, we just need to learn how the hell to cook, instead of waiting for someone to serve us.
But as Dennis Miller would say, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong...
- Steve
I am 22 and just recently told my husband of almost two years that I was going to leave him.
I look back now and realize that it started just before we got married when I gave him the stupid ultimatum of breaking up or getting married. My brother keeps telling me that marriage is not a band aid and he couldn't be more true. In fact it just seemed to amplify everything that was wrong with us. In the first place my husband is a partier and I never was, but I found myself doing more drugs and drinking after I was married then before. I just wanted to be with him and not have him do it behind my back.
Also in the 2 years that we have been married my husband, who is also 22, has been out of a job for about 5-6 months on and off and in that time I've had to support him financially. I guess this is entirely my fault when I look at it I feel utterly helpless.
I never thought I would be a divorcee. I am still trying to confront what is going to happen to us - he still thinks that we are going to get back together after a few months of separation but I don't know. I truly and dearly love him but I fully believe that I was enabling him to be the way he was. He controlled me utterly even though I was the one putting bread on the table. I felt that he was becoming more important and the me that I know was slowly suffocating. And now when I think about getting back together with him I feel terrified.
I love him dearly but I feel in my heart we aren't right for each other. I think he is really afraid of being alone. I am too but I am willing to sacrifice that before I lose myself completely.
Your site has helped me immensely. At the start of this week I thought that I was the only one that was feeling this intense sorrow. I never knew I could hurt so much. I only hope that I am doing this all for a reason. I do believe that there is someone out there for everyone. We just have to be smart enough to fall in love with the right one.
Thank you!
Nichole
thank you for such insight, I have just recently lost my wife of 5 years and I feel everything you have described here, the only thing is I keep asking myself what I did wrong.
where did I go wrong and what can I do to change it, there is nothing more in this world that could make me happier to have her back; but then I know that things would not change and she will still remain the same person. I can not change her I can only love her; and do that at a distance now.
I am 30 yrs. old and I have a 1 1/2 yr. old son. I will be married 3 yrs. in May. I am headed for a divorce.
My parents were going through a divorce when I got engaged. I couldn't bear the thought of my family breaking apart and wanted to create my own family. I needed stability in a not so stable world. I needed kindness in a not so kind world.
I knew it was a mistake the minute I walked down the aisle. I wanted to turn and run. Sadly, if the guilt of knowing my father would lose $15,000 wasn't foremost on my mind, I would have run...run like hell.
And then my son. Oh, how beautiful he is and I have failed him too. Along with everyone else. We are in counseling and I sit there knowing my heart is not in it, but the guilt of not trying........... Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.
And it all boils down to one word - HONESTY. If I had been honest with myself and him I would never be where I am at today. True, I would not have this precious child. Hurting someone is far worse than feeling guilt.
I have no idea why, maybe we are all just spoiled and selfish.
I am 25 years old. I thought I was doing everything right when I married the love of my life a year ago. I had friends that had divorced because they hadn't dated others, we had. I had friends that divorced because they had not completed their educations, we had. I had friends who divorced because they got married because of pregnancy, I was not pregnant. I had friends that divorced because they did not know what it would be like to live together, we lived together with no problem for 8 months.
3 months into our marriage my previously loving husband started sleeping on the couch and lost all interest in sex. From then until we divorced in March, we had sex very few times. He began to spend long hours on the computer and in front of the TV. My cooking was no longer good, but he would not take me out to eat (or anywhere for that matter!)
The funny thing is that now that we are divorced - he finally told me he loved me, but was no longer in love with me - he wants to have sex with me. HE CALLS ME EVERY DAY!
Confused and recently divorced in Alabama,
Brook
Even though I have never married, I think the dynamics of the relationship are the same. Only the breakup seems to be different because of the legal ties.
My question I have posed on my website is "why is it that women lose the love for their man after she domesticate them" Or "why I am told that I cannot be too nice" I think this is ridiculous. I was told by her girlfriend I am too nice, I can't be that way. We both are GenX. I do not understand this concept?
There is an article from Jodi which talks about a Ghostly lover. This is the closest thing I have read that makes sense out of this breakup. She dumped me because, she has to learn to live for herself. I told her that she could do that, and stay together. I cannot understand her, how do you let go of someone you have so much in common with, love each other, once in a lifetime chance at this type of love.
I want to believe that she will regret dumping me but I do not think that will happen. Especially since I have read your site. The text reveals that a lot of people think it was a the love of their life and yet they move on. It might be too early for me to see that but my heart still hurts. I never knew when someone said their heart hurts. My heart literally jumps when I see her or think of the reality of the situation: she doesn't want me! Gosh that is so hard to deal with!
I would love to hear any feedback, ANY :-)
I am so impressed with the absolute honesty of the entries I have just read, I am deeply deeply touched and feel for each and everyone who has experienced such pain and upset.
I am a 28 yr old Irish girl , and have just finished a 4 year relationship with my boyfriend. We lived together for 1 year (8 months of which were miserable for me)
With a risk of repeating all you have said, I thought he was MY one and only. He was passionate, sensitive, loving, kind and above all my favorite person in the world to be with.
We were MADLY in love and considered marriage (there is no divorce in Ireland so thank G-d that deterred us) I felt that he was so deeply in touch with me and most importantly his own feelings.
Then I started to realize, that he cared too much about other people and what they thought than taking the time out to enjoy and build on the beautiful relationship we had.
I campaigned for our own time, booking time together etc - time which we enjoyed, but while he became engrossed with work and making money - for 'US' the sparkle started to disappear. The odd card that he would surprise me with now and again stopped, all of the small meaningful things stopped. I continued to keep the romance alive and would send a little card here, a token there. If he was working late, I would have cooked a lovely dinner (not that I would be the domestic type).
Then when life's test came along we failed dismally. My family went through a rough patch - my brother got mixed up with a bad crowd and as we are all so close it touched us all - my family were there for each other. I realized that he didn't want to know. I realized that while I thought I knew him - he had become very much a fairweathered friend. When times were tough he clammed up and worked late - which caused me to bottle my feelings up. When things were good it was great.
Communication broke down and over a period of time and SO many tearstained pillows, I started to realize that I HAD to get out.
Obviously, because I had a choice it was more difficult, I found reasons why I shouldn't rock the boat. It would have so much easier (in the long run) if he had just finished it.
Eventually, I moved out and tried to cut ties. At what I feel was the lowest ebb of my LIFE - I still knew it was the right thing to do.
I am now sharing a house with a friend, and cannot figure how to pick up the pieces. He has now launched a campaign to get me back and assumed every single trait that I fell in love with in the 1st place, but I KNOW as soon as he gets me back it would be back to square 1. So every DAY I have to keep strong....and its proving to be difficult.
Being frustrated at the fact that I know I have done the right thing, dealing with the fact that I didn't HAVE to do it is sometimes a bitter feeling. Where to from here?
I am swinging from - I WILL meet someone new - to I HAVE to meet someone else soon - to I never again WANT to have another relationship.
I know I have LOTS to be thankful for, its just so harrrd to leave it all behind and move on. The heart is a weird and wonderful thing.
I want to thank you all for sharing your stories, they have helped me feel that I am not the only one..... Where to from here????
I think one of the major challenges to marriage in the 90's + is that everyone has more choices, more opportunities, and frankly, it takes longer to figure out what we want in life.
I grew up in a rural area, and this affect was very obvious. My friends that grew up to take over the family farm, married young (after high school), had children, and have, for the most part, very happy stable marriages. That is because they knew from a young age where they were going and what they wanted from life. Some chose to get a college degree in agriculture to increase their chances of coping with the growing complexity of farm finances and science. Yet, they had grown up, they knew what they wanted from life and what it took to get there.
Those of us that chose to move away from the area, to try an unusual career path, get an advanced education, travel .. we did not grow up at 19, instead, we finally finished our degrees, our post-docs and settled into jobs at 30. Only then did we really know what to expect from ourselves, our families and our jobs.
As desirable as a long-term relationship is, we cannot enter one until we can look in the mirror and say - I am grown-up. Our journey of growing up is too unstable and flexible for any two people to keep up with each other. It is no criticism if one grows up at 19 or 30 -- different people and experiences move at different rates -- but reaching this point is essential.
One seldom achieves a stable marriage until one had established: (1) basic personalities (artistic, sports, a bit of everything, yuppie, down-to-earth ...), (2) basic career desires (be it homemaker or professional), and (3) basic family desires (be it kids or no kids). On top of that one has to know how they want to combine those factors. Figuring out all these things in a world of endless options takes time and we simply marry too fast because we are afraid to be old maids (a relic of a life without so many choices). We have to learn in a society with so many options, it simply takes longer to grow-up and marriage is for grown-ups.
Wow!! I read your page and it really helped me. At least for a few minutes. I am in a horrible depression, and state of confusion.
I love my husband but feel so horribly empty inside. I am an extremely passionate person who loves to be loved. I do not feel love and cherished in my marriage. I feel so lonely. We have been to counseling, and I do not know what else we can do. I do not want things to end, but I do not see any other choice.
I was married at 20 and am 26 now. I wish I had answers. Do I sacrifice feeling fulfilled and truly loved for security and some happiness? Is there hope? What more can I do to make this work. I am so scared the pain is horrible, almost unbearable. I can not even type straight. I can not eat, I just want to sleep my life away. I feel so miserable. I want to feel loved and cherished. I know my husband loves me, but he does nothing to show it. He does nothing to express it. Romance has to involve money and a certain mood, according to him. I do not think it has to involve any money, just a willingness to make life romantic. I want to feel cherished, loved and wanted. I do not want a day to go by where I am not told that I am loved and/or needed. What more can I do to convey this? We have gone to counseling many times and he is unwilling to change or just has not made the effort to change. I feel sick to my stomach and do not know what to do.
I want answers now, but know that things take time to work through. How do I make this awful feeling go away? How can I find a way to function while all of this gets sorted out? Oh God, someone please help!!!!
I filed last week for a divorce, it made me sick to my stomach.
we have been married for 11 years. I guess it was inevitable. I've known for years that we haven't been happy. I begged, pleaded for us to go to a counselor, but his response was-we don't need anyone in our business. then I tried other tactics. I tried to get him to go to AA but I was told he didn't have a drinking problem. There's no problem-right. He just blacks out and says mean and hateful things and then in the morning he wants to kiss me, and when I give him the cold shoulder, he asks why? I tell him and he apologizes, it won't happen again honey. He also didn't touch me for a year, or when he did want physical attention, it was only when he was drunk, I think not- I don't want a slobbering drunk on me. When my grandfather died (he raised me) I called from the hospital and told him, his response was, that's why you took the black dress right? So what if it was probably going to happen, I needed to hear something to the effect of "I'm sorry honey", but that is not what I got. When I had to have surgery, he couldn't even take 1 hour off work to drive me to the hospital, I had to have a neighbor take me. the only reason he was there when I woke up is my mom called him up and chewed out a piece of him.
I don't want a man that considers me an obligation, I want love, compassion, tenderness, all that and more. I deserve it. I feel better venting all this to ya'll because he has turned my friends against me, so in reality, I guess I didn't have friends at all. when I met him I was 18 and he 27, I worshiped the ground he walked on, he was so smart, sexy, and attentive, but Bud-Lite got the better of him. I was his live in maid, cook, bookkeeper, and all around do-all, inside the house and outside, I mowed the lawn, etc...after awhile, I started to grow up and realize I was worth something, I went to college, got a degree, etc... I started to state opinions, and was told that I would never be as smart as he. He's sexist, racist (if your not white, your nothing) yes, he was this horrible person, so why do I feel like i've died inside?
I think sometimes, its because I tried so hard to change him and make our lives better and failed miserably. I swore to G-d, that my marriage would not end up like my parents, divorced. Now I'm in the same boat. I'm now 33 years old and starting my life over, I feel worn-out and don't have the energy to even think about my future. thank you for the space on your screen, I have no one to talk to, so this helps.
Very interesting. As a man who has had to go through this twice, let me tell you how I feel.
Yes, its true, marriage is a two way street. The first marriage was when I was 22. So much in love. But as you know or may be soon to find out, there's a whole world out there that tries to tear you apart. From the, having to purchase everything, because you've never accumulated anything to this point, to careers, to just trying to become responsible adults.
It seems every turn has a demon waiting to step between you. It takes a very strong commitment to get past it. I guess it was stronger than we were.
She says she just woke up one morning and just didn't love me anymore. Nothing else, just that. Ok, go start over with that in your mind. So I did. Then after a couple of years, I was lucky enough to meet another wonderful woman. We did everything together. She had 2 young children who I raised as my own. I was intent on making this work. I worked harder, took time for family, tried to make us the total package family. She was very hardworking, and I thought I had my soul mate for life.
Then everything started to change, after 8 years. Her interest in me started to fade, she started finding other interests. I thought, ok, she needs space. I gave her space and tried to be supportive. Yet I still wanted to be a part of that space, somewhere. Her new job required travel, and that's when my world came crashing down for a second time. I thought we were strong enough to endure, but we weren't. I can take a lot, but when she went off for a weekend, business ya know, and I found out that went to meet another man, it tore me apart. When I confronted her about it, the first words out of her mouth was, I want a divorce! And since I always gave her everything she wanted, I granted this also.
So now here I am, 43, feeling like the biggest loser in the world. Because, according to both of my ex's, through no fault of my own, i'm single again. I never cheated on either, was always employed, and made every effort to keep my marriages together. Talk about walking around with emotional baggage! But I know I have to keep going, although I don't think I should even consider marriage again. Im not feeling sorry for myself, just being realistic. Lets face it: this shit hurts! now, I don't know if any of this makes any sense to any of you, but maybe it helped me a bit.
So, to the younger people reading this, all I can say is work hard at your next marriage, and if it doesn't work out, just be happy you had each other for the amount of time you had together.
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