whY? unconditional love

to be clear, and to set the tone as well, my former wife was the most special, wonderful, intelligent, fun, caring, interesting, sophisticated and beautiful woman i've ever known. it's safe to say i cherished and adored her. in every way, she was all i ever hoped to find. we cared for one another immensely, and each of us knew how much we meant to the other. for us, there was no other - we had those rocking chairs already picked out, set side by side on the porch poised to share the sunsets together in another 50 years. by comparison and in my own estimation, we were extremely fortunate to have found one another. it was a love as true as i've ever known. many people hope for their whole lives to experience the love and caring and connection we shared. we had love, chemistry, respect, sexual attraction, commonality, interest, ideas, timing, opportunities, her amazingly caring and supportive family...

so, when i get concerned over the destructive force of divorce,
it comes from tragic, heartbreaking experience.

is unconditional love in marriage unrealistic? can romanticism be detrimental to marriage?

truly unconditional love comes only from parents. where no matter who you are, how you are or what you do, you'll still be loved tomorrow.

marriage is a choice. and because there is this option of choice, we make considerations. we hold expectations. we attach conditions. who you are, how you are and what you do does affect the "love" you receive. and that's rough. on some level we know this, but we don't keep it foremost in our minds. it has the potential to be a source of insecurity and fear which can perpetually flow in the background of the relationship, though.

marriage is a seemingly safe place actually resting precariously upon the edge of a dangerously steep, jagged cliff. the illusion is that marriage will be an emotional safe haven from a cold, uncaring, cruel everyday world. when in reality, marriage can become everything which we fear. however, we must give our spouse access to those exact fears which we want to protect from harm. we have to. how else can we be intimate and build understanding and love? we have to trust our spouse completely. i don't see how a healthy marriage can truly function otherwise.

(and personally, after the most exceptionally special woman whom i thought i could trust my heart to; who continually expressed to me how much she loved and trusted me, too; left the marriage - i'm not sure i'll ever be able to have that essential trust fully again. if a relationship was once as close to "perfect" and it broke, how can it ever be any better with someone else?)

marriage attempts to satisfy many of our adult needs and desires. and, perhaps this is where the conflict arises and an inherent dichotomy begins. we fall in love because we want to. then we want to make a life with that person. then we get into taking care of the everyday business of living - because we have to. this is where the romance can tarnish if the couple aren't grounded and realistic. i considered my former wife and i to be quite grounded, although not always very realistic. sorting out what to do about reality is also where preconceived expectations and conditioned masculine / feminine roles kick in. and, well, it's also where we test our partners to see if they meet or exceed our expectations and conditions.

this becomes even stickier still. because what if while on many levels of, say, attractiveness; education; compatibility; interests; family and geographic proximity you really mesh. but then the other person is beginning to show warning signs in terms of, say, priorities. throw into the mix your personal and career goals, hopes, dreams and expectations. you've worked incredibly hard; and sacrificed time, money and social life because that's what you were supposed, or wanted, to do. you need to compromise but you can't afford to or don't have the room to compromise your life now. what do you do? at the same time, you need to hold to your standards. and holding to your standards means not giving in...

...and, hey, wait a minute - you're in love. you're supposed to be accepting this person for whom and what they are, not judging. that's conditional. it's an "as is" sale here. how do you accept everything in a relationship and at the same time make changes to it? if the love were truly unconditional you wouldn't feel that way. but you do, and it's understandable - understanding that love in a marriage isn't truly without conditions.