the breakup of a marriage sends one to the darkest place imaginable. life may never be the same afterward. it certainly seems that way.

my parents divorce was hard. my mother's unexpected death was terrible. but being apart from my wife, without question, is the most horrific experience of my life. the sorrow being so debilitating, i needed over a year and a half to regain my basic abilities to function responsibly again. i lost interest in everything i'd ever known. i lost my recollection memory. i lived in darkness for weeks. i barely ate—lost twenty pounds. i couldn't laugh for a year. i'd wake up in uncontrollable tears every morning. for more than 900 days, i've cried for the love we've lost. in my emotional world, the sun is absent; there's no warmth. i sympathize with the rain - it's drops echo the tears falling within my heart. only the weeping violin strings of symphonies are comforting.

divorce takes one so far down emotionally, familially, financially and socially that there is only one direction left to go - up.

and our parting was not even similar to most i've heard of or known of. while, it's not accurate to say our divorce was amicable since we don't keep in touch with one another, it was probably the least jagged as we could make it. respectfully, we opted to give one another a clean break. there were no lawyers, we made our own decisions. i don't know how people who fight another with expensive attorneys even cope. i can't imagine.

divorce thrusts one back into living single again. no way around it. i can still recall when my former wife and i told each other how relieved we were to have discovered one another and forever leave the dating game. it's that big, inner sigh of relief.

when you're alone again you really discover how the world is truly built for two. there aren't too many things one can do solo which don't either make you feel out of place and self-conscious or which aren't painful reminders of what you've lost.

just walking on the street, i notice couples from a different perspective. when married, there's this sense of being members in a special society. there was a secret simpatico upon recognition. members who understood something fantastic that all those single people didn't yet know of. it was a social validation, a kind of "welcome to the adult world" recognition.

knowing the kind of special timing, care and effort it took to become part of that "society". i'm instantly all-too-fully aware of all the ramifications being alone again holds when that secret simpatico glance of recognition is no longer given my way. i feel cast out. truly separated not only from my wife, her family, but now from the community and the world community. being divorced, that validation is revoked. you're out of the club. "we don't want to know what you did to get kicked out, but it must have been something bad, so now you're ostracized."

trying to "assimilate" back into society again, the reminders are everywhere. i try to find things to do which seem alright to do solo. movies. it's not unusual for people to go by themselves to the movies. good, something a single person can do. this seems to be a haven from the reminders. but it's not. movies are about relationships, and often about lovers. and then you're reminded again. i love movies, i once made hollywood movies - and for over a year, even i couldn't bear to see them. simply going grocery shopping, i'd see mothers with their children and i'd sense the lost potential of beginning a family of our own. and then there's eating alone. probably the saddest thing of all. to eat home alone one more time is just too much, but maybe atleast the company of strangers would be better. it's not. couples cast mildly pitiful glances. the waitress, with all the best intentions, can be overly attentive, which only emphasizes the fact you're without your beloved spouse. the simple act of walking down the street to the store alone can be hard - while no one else may notice, it's by her conspicuous absence beside me on the stroll that i begin to feel self conscious in the presence of couples who by-pass while holding hands. this is the torture by the ordinary which touches chords deep inside the broken-hearted. it's so simple that it's immensely complicated.

if, after divorce, one is still interested in having a relationship it's a return to dating. well, unless you become misogynistic or misanthropic. but that's not really a good option. the opposite sex doesn't respond well to being despised.

regrettably, on the topic of dating, i realize the true possibilities for another romance as special as my marriage are growing fewer all the time. the more mature one becomes, the more refined one's tastes become. we need to be more flexible, but at the same time we're more discriminate now. this doesn't make compromise any easier. by now one's intuition is also more fine tuned. we depend on intuition. if we're honest, we know our intuitions very often prove to be reliable personal guides.

we all have a mind's eye image of our perfect mate. i was fortunate enough to have married, and unfortunate to have lost, mine.

indulge this little idea for a moment. to me, my former wife was extraordinary. i cherished her unbelievably and, sad to say, i know i'll never find anyone like her again. she honestly has spoiled all other women for me. to make a point about future prospects, let's optimistically say she was a one in a million find. now let's look at the US population. we'll even round up and call it 300 million people. divide by 2 and that is 150 million women. divide again by the 50 states and that comes out to be about 3 million women per state. now, she was "one in a million", so divide by one million and that yields 3 potentially suitable prospects. geographically spread them across the state and that puts, oh, about maybe 1 or 2 within dating distance. now figure in such variables as personality, looks, education, compatibility, interests, affectations, hopes, dreams, friends, family, political leaning - not to mention she could already have a boyfriend or worse, be married - and the prospects basically aren't hopeful.

there's a danger in becoming so disheartened with one's marriage prospects that one settles for marginal compatibility. compromising one's standards on something so important may be just too much. a sad relationship is one where nothing is really wrong, but nothing is really right, either. i never had to settle. to me, my former wife was right in every way. if the opportunity to marry comes a second time, i'm completely sure i'll once again make the right choice. naturally, i fear my intuition tells me the opportunities are dwindling...

one of the most difficult aspects to accept in the aftermath is that you're no longer wanted, and most likely are not at all on the mind or in the heart of the person who left you, anylonger. see, the person who left the relationship did so because it wasn't what they wanted. and they probably moved on to something they did want more, and something which was more satisfying to them. so, the Leaver got what they wanted, and doesn't need to think about the past; they have a new future. the Leavee, who was left behind, didn't get what they wanted. most people don't want rejection. and so, the Leavee is left to reconcile heart and mind about the broken relationship far more than the Leaver. there's not much for the Leaver to reconcile, they've already made their decision.

(there's a paradox occurring at this point, too. it's the "can't attract new people because you're so needy, and you're so needy because you do need someone, but you aren't going to meet someone because you're so needy". on top of it are all the intensified pressures of divorce, losing your true love, and struggling to maintain composure with these hyper-adult emotional issues. so, you're trying to relax because you know you never meet someone when you're looking that for someone, only when you're relaxed and don't expect to be meeting someone. but now, you're not only expecting to, but are needy and tense - yet not trying to be. and if you do meet someone, you're likely in need of consoling. and, what? are you going to quell your feelings of sorrow concerning your former spouse by bending the ear of a new romantic interest? uh, no. catch-22 enough?)

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