what is this site anyway?

perhaps at certain phases in life we sensitize to a particular issue while going through a difficult experience. in particular, a divorce or breakup of a relationship. it's natural to then view life through a "filter"; one centric to this change. it seems as if this same thing is happening to everyone. usually, it's not. but then again, may be. while my own divorce has understandably sensitized me to the issues of failed relationships and the crushing grief, utter confusion and shear heartbreak that comes with it; i began to sense that something beyond my own "filter" is actually happening within too many of generationX's marriages.

by now, you've likely heard statistics that more than half the new marriages in this country quickly end in divorce. and, in my opinion, even if this number is only roughly in the ballpark, either way, a third or two thirds failure rate should be a red flag. at very least, this news is a disturbing sign. something's up.

a special note for readers:
since the inception of this site in 1996, it has truly been a personal work in progress for me. as well, i have always viewed this site as a unique place where i encouraged fellow generation X'ers, and others, to relate their ideas, stories and experiences. and over the years, i've placed many, many readers responses along side my original writings and sentiments. everyone's contributions certainly have represented an excellent range of broad perspectives. i'm pleased to say that, for me, the appropriate time has come to kind of "snapshot" the site. the site has come to fulfill my original expressive intentions, and things have come a long way for me since the end of my marriage many years ago. i've always been impressed by the steady amount of reader's thoughtful responses. though, the time has come where new reader's stories will no longer continue to be added; for me, it's truly time to move onward. my original writings and everyone's responses will remain, and still hopefully be of some comfort to newcomers who may eventually find their way here, likely unfortunately having just experienced what we have been through... thanks to everyone, good luck. [nick, 04.2002].

continue on, and read the other readers' stories…

what's my story?

each of us being east coast transplants, we were introduced after college while living in san francisco by someone we both knew. we had each moved out west for different reasons. myself, to pursue a years-long dream to shoot films. herself, at the direction of her folks, forewent a post-collegiate trip to paris and began the foray into the work world by way of an aunt in the publishing world. her years-long dream was to be an actress.

i don't think we quite knew what to make of one another when we first met. but it didn't take long for us to become extremely attached to one another. she was the most interesting, intelligent and beautiful young woman i'd ever known. she liked me too...

we had a hard time being apart, so we were constantly together. after spending weeks and months being together every day, morning to night, we began living together. i was never so comfortable being with any one person in my life. we talked constantly.

eventually, we found work we liked, but soon came to realize these careers would tear apart our relationship. to advance, they'd be simply too costly in terms of sacrifices, would demand so much responsibility and require exhorbinant amounts of time - all with no assurances of payoff or stability.

so, when we married, we decided to reorder our lives. re prioritize. we willingly sacrificed, made compromises and adjustments to our years-long dreams. we left our friends and work on the west coast and came back east. back near family. it'd be to our advantage, we felt.

it became clear that we'd need a little boost to shift over to accomplishing our new dreams. time to return to school. so, again, we moved. it was our fifth by now. this put us very close to the marvelous support of her family. our chances for finally gaining stability looked promising. because, so far, we each had ran through many grueling jobs searches and each tried several job paths.

it wore us down, and we'd thought we were fairly strong. unfortunately, all this broke through to the pressure points deep in each of our characters. our worst personal fears were brought to the surface.

as the husband of a wonderful wife, i wanted to be able to provide the best for her. i was frustrated that i hadn't found a career path which would afford me enough time and money to sustain the kind of marriage we wanted. i didn't think i'd lose her - for she always told me how much she loved me and that she'd rather be poor and happy than rich and miserable - but i didn't want to disappoint her.

as my frustration at my inability to create economic / career stability grew, i grew more unstable. instead of expressing directly what was eating at me (and back then i didn't effectively know how), i'd go into regrettable outbursts of negativity, hopelessness, despair and cynicism. outbursts which only acted to confuse and emotionally push her away, when i actually wanted to bring her closer. i wanted to let her know how exactly much she meant to me. we were always extremely intimate, but i guess i reached an emotional epoch whereby i realized how completely a part of me she'd become and i feared it. i feared ever losing her.

and that's exactly what happened. i lost her. i lost her heart because i couldn't acknowledge my insecurities properly. i created a self-fulfilling prophecy of a horrible future and that's what i got.

by the time i realized what i had done and tried to turn it around, in her heart she had left. she'd given understanding and support for so long, and she wasn't certain she could give more. especially without knowing if my enlightened willingness to reverse my behavior would actually have lasting change.

i disappointed her after all.

continue on, and read other readers' stories…